Pain tolerance? What pain tolerance?
M’s not at all impressed with my current pain tolerance. He swears it’s way lower than it was in the beginning. I say He just picks inopportune moments. Like when I’ve been outside in fifteen degree weather for forty-five minutes, or am in a bad mood, or am on my period, or just am not in the mood.
He says none of that is an excuse.
Well, okay then.
He says I should always be in the mood. Craving it. Begging for it. Like I “used to”.
I say He never used to be as mean as He is now.
To remedy this problem, He has decided He’s going to spend more time (probably every night) beating me.
He’s tried it before. It left me feeling… useless. Punished. Constantly in trouble. I spiraled into “What’s the point?” mode and, for the most part, lost all interest in being hurt for fun. Cause it was never fun! I mean, how could it be? It always felt like punishment! Maybe for some people punishment is fun, but it’s not for me.
Of course, at the time, the nightly beatings were to subdue me, not to raise my pain tolerance. And last night, He went about it completely differently than that period of time so many years ago (at least four).
Last night, He started with ten lashes with the Delrin Cane, and moved into caning me while I fucked myself with Randy for the first time. Tonight, so far, He’s decided I get twenty with the knotty cat.
I guess the only thing I really have to say about it is that I’m worried. I don’t want to end up back in that place where I couldn’t see any good in myself or my slavery.
Master says that part of not ending up back there is going to depend on me. He says I need to keep in mind that He’s a sadist, and that sometimes, being mean just gets Him off.
I know. Y’all are all, “Well, duh.” And I am, too, but…
I dunno. I guess I’m just nervous. This whole getting back into formal training thing is scary business. Even if you have done it a hundred times.
~pig whore
Training can be scary from a Dominant point as well. What if the submissive doesn’t train like we wanted? What if the program doesn’t work like we wished like it did?
I do wish you good luck. My subbie needs to get some’more pain tolerance too.
.-= Kayla´s last blog ..Erotica: All in a Play Party’s Night =-.
Rayne,
I ca echo Kayla’s comments. I still get nervous at the start of each quarter, wondering if I’ll be able to reach all my students this time. But, I can also understand what you’re going through.
Anytime we’re doing something we’ve done before that went wrong in some way, there’s that, seemingly ever present fear that we’ll repeat whatever it was that caused things to go wrong in the first place. And with good reason, too. There is a tendancy for people to repeat their mistakes. As a species, we’re not great learners.
What you can do (yeah, I’m offering advice…it’s a teacher thing) is focus on what’s different about this time. And remember, you’re not the same slave you were four years ago.
Dave