Because I can’t think of anything to blog about today besides the post I made on Mindcryme, I stole this from Kaya, who stole it from Subtle.  I haven’t read anyone’s answers because I didn’t want mine to be swayed.  Yeah… I’m that lame.

1. Your role?

Slave

2. Current relationship?

I’m married to my owner.

3. Your favourite type of play?

When He doesn’t let my screams deter Him.  The satisfaction from a scene like that is indescribable.

4. Your most hated type of play?

When He coaxes me into believing that He’s going to be nice to me, then turns on me.  That sends me into a tailspin for a while.  But He always brings me back to Him.

5. The most annoying habit of your owner/slave/whatever you call your SO?

Working.  He is, without a doubt, a work-a-holic.  He’ll tell you He’s just responsible.  But it goes so far beyond just being responsible…

I love Him for it.  It keeps a roof over my head, and food in my belly, while I sit here behind a computer and hack at fulfilling my dream of being a writer.  But I wish He’d give Himself a break.  He deserves it.

6. Your deepest fear?

Dying.

Which is bizarre because I used to long for death like you wouldn’t believe.  If I wasn’t trying to commit suicide, I was begging God (At the time, I was still Christian.  Most junkies are.) to take my life, and then cursing Him each morning when I woke.

I would lay in bed for hours willing myself to stop breathing and concentrating on slowing my heart.  I’d take baths just so I could sink under the water and try to drown myself.  I’d walk the streets in the worst neighborhoods alone hoping someone would see the open invitation to take my life.

But now? Now, I see how much life has to offer.  And I’m petrified of losing mine before I’m ready. 

A little over a year ago, I watched the best female friend I’ve ever had die.  And I had to do it from a distance because I had been forbidden to spend time with her by the administration at my job, even though I was all she had besides a family who only came around on holidays.  She was one of my residents.  And she meant more to me than any woman I’ve ever known.  I miss her so much.

Though she was tired of her illnesses, both mental and physical, she wasn’t ready to go.  She was petrified.  She refused medical treatment and hospitalization for weeks because she knew that the next time she went, she wasn’t coming back.  And it destroyed me.

I don’t want that to be me.  So I’m trying to live life to the fullest, now, while I still can.

7. Your most memorable public experience (or what you would like to do in public)?

Master and I used to drive back and forth between His job and my house, which took us passed Saratoga Battlefields.  You’re not supposed to make left turns there, for some unfathomable reason.  It’s miles of open road with very few blind spots and very little traffic on any given day, except maybe race day or bike week.  But maybe it’s to prevent traffic build up for the battlefields? Master and I drove passed there every single day, at all hours of the day and night, for at least two months.  Not once have I ever seen traffic build up.

Anyway, almost every time we drove passed there, we stopped in the turn off provided for drivers approaching from that direction to have sex.  Once He made me piss in the grass like a dog.  But mostly, we got out of His dying Taurus, and He bent me over the hood of the car.  At the time, I wore skirts a lot because He liked them.  And He’d just push it up over my ass and fuck me.

Once, it was broad daylight out and a state trooper drove by.  He just waved.  That was, hands down, the best outdoor sexual experience I’ve had to date.

8. What gets you in the mood?

Oh, goodness, any number of things.  Slapping me.  Pulling my hair.  Treating me with disregard.  Petting me.  Making out.  Being bound and/or gagged.  Punching me.  Kicking me.  The list goes on and on.

9. Favourite method of masturbation?

A glass dildo and my fingers, believe it or not.  Preferably the G-Spot Wonder, though the Four-Way G is a close running second.  And preferably with Master watching and/or participating.

10. Scariest thing you’ve seen or heard of in BDSM land?

Oh.  My.  God.

You do realize that by answering that question, I’m condemning myself to my doom, right? Ah well… Here goes nothing.

Hoods, mummification and vacuum beds.  Kyle says I’m claustrophobic.  I never really thought of it that way, but I guess he’s right.

Gags and blindfolds don’t bother me.  But cover my nose, or mouth, or entire face, and I freak right the fuck out.  I’m talking hysterical crying and almost immediate begging.  It’s terrible for me until I realize I’ve survived it.  It’s one of the best things in the world for M, though.  It’s one of the few things He can do that will put me in an all out panic.  He likes causing me to panic.

I am kind of hot when I panic.

A close running second is a specific type of emotional sadism that my emotional well-being cannot handle.  I’m sure you’ve all read about it.  The dominant type, and sometimes people he or she has enlisted for the cause, goes to a great deal of trouble making the submissive type feel completely useless and unworthy.  They tell the submissive type that he or she cannot meet their needs.  They tell them, basically, that they suck at being the dominant type’s partner.

I need to know that I’m doing a good job.  That I actually take care of my owner and His needs.  I mean, I’m not saying I need Him to tell me I’m the perfect slave when I obviously am not.  But to tell me that I suck when I don’t? It would break me.

I am sharing far too many of my secrets.  Gah!

11. Number of hours you spend on Fet when you should be doing other things?

Not many, lately.  I peek in once in a blue moon.  Usually to talk to Kaya and a few other people I only converse with there.  I just… am so over the intolerance and snark.  I always get drawn in, and that’s not who I want to be.  So it’s better to just avoid it.

That’s something Master’s been teaching me, lately.  If you can’t resist giving in to a bad situation, it’s best to avoid it all together.  (Bet ya didn’t think I was listening, huh? I heard you, Daddy.  Thank you for teaching me.) Low and behold, it works.  I know some day I’m going to have to learn how to overcome the urge to jump on the bandwagon.  But in the meantime, this is working for me, so I’m gonna stick with it.

Mostly I spend my spare time (i.e. my time not spent taking care of Master) reading blogs and looking at sex toys.  Yes, I do realize how much of a slut I am.

I know I don’t comment much.  That’s my fear of saying the wrong thing outweighing my wanting to be more involved.  I’m working on it.  But I am reading.  Promise.

12.Thing that was hotter in fantasy than it was in reality?

You know, I’m not sure there has been anything that was hotter in fantasy than reality.  But then, we haven’t delved into any of our more sordid fantasies yet, either.  I’ll get back to you on that.

13. Most longed-for experience?

A take-down scene.  Where I get to fight back.  I don’t know if He’ll ever allow it with Him, though we both know He’ll kick my ass.  I hope that if He won’t take me down like that, I will at least earn the ability some day to let another try.

14. Ouchiest toy?

The Delrin Cane by Leatherbeaten.  Hands down.  But oh my god do I love it.  Most of the time.

15. Book or movie that every newbie has to read/see?

It’s not a book.  It’s a website.  And it’s called Submissive Guide.  Luna really does a good job over there.  She’s helped me out more than I could ever say.  Thanks for what you’re doing, Luna.  I really appreciate it.

Speaking of Luna, I was supposed to write a guest post for her.  Oops. :/  Sorry!

I think tonight, though, I’ll watch that BDSM how-to DVD I’m supposed to review for her so we can give it away.  If Master allows, that is.  The watching, not the giving away.  He’s already approved that.  Thinks it’s a good idea, even.  So keep your eyes peeled for that, my newbie readers.  Or anyone who’s interested, for that matter.

16. Thing you’d like to change about yourself?

My mouth.  It is, hands down, the biggest cause of trouble in our relationship.

And it’s stupid, really.  I have the right, if not the responsibility, to tell Him any little thing that comes into my head, good or bad, so long as I remain respectful.  And instead, I flip shit like a child.  I’ve really gotta stop that.

17.Thing you’re most proud of?

Right now, I’m just proud of how well-behaved I’ve been and how hard I’ve been trying to do things His way.  It’s really not easy.  I know I don’t always show it in public (though if you’ve been following me from the beginning, I’m sure you’ve seen it), but I really can be a spoiled, pigheaded bitch when it comes to Master.  It’s horrible.  And I’m trying really hard to stop it.

18.Funniest dom name you’ve ever heard?

I dunno… The ones I tend chuckle at are the ones who have “Sir” or “Lord” in their name.  Like they’re some kind of royalty.  I guess that’s sort of rude, huh?

19. Do your family and friends know?

Some do.  Some don’t.

I should probably stop being so selective about who I tell, but I don’t trust people not to try to rescue me.  I wouldn’t be able to handle Master being charged with a crime on my behalf, and I’m not willing to jeopardize what we have just to be able to let my freak flag fly.

20. Is twenty questions too many?

Nah… Twenty seems just right.