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Sadistic Tendencies? When? How?

January 14th, 2010

Everywhere, my profile says that I’m a loving slave with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires.  My masochism precedes me.  Often when I meet new people through old people, one of the first things I’m asked about is my masochism.

But what about the sadistic tendencies?

I talk about it once in a while.  This gnawing sadistic urge that bubbles to the surface from time to time.  Usually on Twitter in passing, or with Master when we’re discussing our fantasies.  But I haven’t really talked about it much, here.

I am quite the closet sadist.  I want a boy and a girl to hurt.  The girl would belong to Master, and we would take turns with her and co-top her, and occasionally, He’d probably let or make her top me to remind me of my place.

But that’s all I want from the boy.  To torment and humiliate him the way only a sadist can, and then send him back to where ever he came from.  Preferably his wife who knows he’s a worthless, pathetic worm crawling to the feet of another sadist, so there’s no question that there are no strings.  Master might be heterosexual, but I’m willing to bet He’d have fun with a male and female slave in His living room.  And He has a good amount of distaste for male slaves, so I doubt He’d much mind allowing me my sadistic pleasures so long as I was good.

That thought is incredibly appealing to me.  I mean, can you imagine? Being alone in a room with two men, one who will spend the entire time hurting and humiliating you, and the other who will spend his time being hurt and humiliated by you… Oh… my.

Course, this jibes with M’s training, which teaches me that I am below all men.  But who am I, a female slave, to tell a man that he cannot be a masochist, or submissive, or slave?

And I cannot deny that when I look at CBT toys, the flood gates open in my vagina and I start fantasizing about borrowing someone’s boy to torment.  I can see the whole scene in my mind.  I’d probably start out light, though, because I don’t know my own strength yet.  I’ve only ever flogged someone once, and at the time, my inner sadist was still too ashamed to let herself blossom. 

I think, even though I am a masochist, I still went through the same thought process that so many dominants and sadists tend to go through.  That reconciliation one must make.  The understanding that the person we’re beating on is enjoying it.  Has asked for it, even.  Which means we’re not really hurting them, and we’re doing nothing wrong.

I feel silly for it, believe me.  Especially since I, myself, am a masochist and often ask to be hurt.  Well, when He’s not hurting me already.

I’ve been considering asking Master if He’d ever be willing to take applications for a no-strings-attached male sub for me to torment.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I know that’s going to require much more than a couple weeks of good behavior.  Hell, it might be years, knowing me.  The good behavior never lasts long.

You’re probably wondering why my sadistic fantasies step outside of our relationship.  Aside from the fact that Master is not a masochist, there is no way I would ever willingly top Him.  Which is probably a good thing since He would never willingly submit to me.  And if He ever submits to someone, I don’t want to know about it.  I think, at least right now, seeing Him in a submissive position would shatter my view of Him.

I know how horrible that sounds.  And how unfair it is to Him should He some day wish to submit to someone.  I guess it’s a good thing He’s already given it a shot and found it completely dissatisfying.  But He’s instilled in me this disinterest in men who don’t take control.  Who won’t put me in my place at the first sign of uppity-ness.  Except when it comes to this sadistic fantasy.  Then these men are very appealing to me.  I could have lots of fun with these men.

What’s stranger still, is my interest isn’t particularly sexual.  Like, I’m sure I’ll get fucked.  At the very least, by Master.  But I’m not particularly interested in fucking the boy.  Except maybe his face while he’s wearing one of those dildo gags.  It might be hot to have Master’s cock in my ass while he’s fucking me with his face.  Oh and I definitely want to give pegging a try.  I am just itching to order a harness or a Feeldoe.  But they’re going to have to wait until I have a use for  them.

Oh, hell.  Now I’ve gone and gotten myself all horny again.  At least Ella will be here today.  I’ve been super good and Master’s considering letting me use her today instead of making me wait till the hood gets here.  He keeps asking what He gets for letting me stick things in my twat.  Apparently, the blow jobs aren’t good enough anymore.  How’s that work, exactly?

Oh wait… And… I’ve got other stuff on its way here.  I’ve got this nifty ceramic G-Brush by Duncan Charles Designs in the mail.  And this Panache Pure Sophistication by NMC Ltd.  I’m kinda digging the box.  I wish it wasn’t quite so pink, though.  Like… maybe not pink at all? Anyway…  And…

Did I ever mention Randy? I might have way back when.  I’m not really sure why I still haven’t requested or bought him.  He looks to be just about perfect for me.  The Big Stuff is great when I’m hankering for some serious pussy pain.  But when I just want a little, I think Randy’s gonna be the guy for me.  Isn’t he pretty? I adore that color.  I hope it’s the same in person.

Oh… wait.  I bet that’s why I never bought or requested Randy.  Cause Gary sent me the Big Stuff and I kind of forgot about him.  Till I was looking for something to request yesterday.

Shut up, Carrie, I don’t have ADD.

~pig whore

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  1. January 14th, 2010 at 15:40 | #1

    Woman, you realize Randy is virtually the same size as Big Stuff, right? An inch or so shorter but uh… same insertable length and same diameter, minus maybe an eighth of an inch…

    .-= CarrieAnn´s last blog ..15 Minutes of Nothingness =-.

  2. January 14th, 2010 at 15:53 | #2

    @CarrieAnn Really? I coulda swore the circumference was like 3/4 thinner. Ah no… It’s only a quarter inch thinner. I was backwards. Still, that could be a noticeable difference. Maybe? Lol. Whatever, I’m still gonna love it.

  3. January 14th, 2010 at 18:10 | #3

    Yeah, it’s saying circumference is 1/8 thinner but diameter is same.

    I’m guessing Randy’s head is the same, shaft 1/8 thinner.

    I want pictures, damn it.

  4. January 14th, 2010 at 18:13 | #4

    @CarrieAnn Pictures of… them side by side. That’s definitely what you meant. Lol.

    The lighting in our house is only good in the morning. And only when it’s not cloudy. And it’s always cloudy in winter here. That’s why I haven’t really been taking my own pictures. :/

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