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The myth of my consent…

January 5th, 2010

The concept of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) is thrown around a lot. After reading a lot of discussions in the M/s based groups and rape play groups, where CNC is a major feature, I came to the conclusion that DK and I fall outside the grey lines of what’s acceptable.

Most people say, and I will agree whole-heartedly, that CNC means that the owner can do what they wish to an with the property, regardless of the property’s wishes. Some also add the caveat that it’s within limits. Most, however, will say that their final choice was to choose and therefore consent to, a CNC relationship, thus making is consensual non-consent. This is where I think we fall down. I’m not sure I did choose or consent.

Manipulation and brain-washing are both large parts of what he does. They’re both things we wanted from the start. I have absolutely no idea when they started.

We first chatted as friends while I was in a previous relationship. A few light-hearted message here, a wall message or two there, a quick hello at an event… I don’t remember how but we got talking again after my relationship ended. We got talking about the type of TPE relationship he was seeking and my philosophies about those sorts of relationships. I was very clear that I wasn’t seeking anything because I was still hurting after things ending with D.

I know I definitely cultivated a difference in station. I did not, however, acknowledge that he had any real power over me. I just wasn’t ready. I was still emotionally vulnerable and didn’t want to rush into anything before I’d gotten used to being my own person again.

I remember a turning point being that he’d said he’d try not to send long messages to respond to while I was at work because typing on my phone is awkward. He sent a very long message and at the bottom put “bugger, this was meant to be short. Oh well. I can be a selfish arsehole and hit send anyway”. I just smiled and carried on. Looking back at it, I took is as a joke but I actually just accepted it as a little bit more difficulty in a task he’d set me because… well… he could.

After a few more messages, he officially declared an interest in owning me. I was flattered but because of the recent break up, I told him I wanted to take things slow but that the interest was reciprocated. He used a particular analogy and after I ran with it, he showed me that my response meant that I had already made the decision to commit to him. He was right. Tricksy… Very tricksy!

I spent an evening with him and his girlfriend and I think it was quietly understood by all that this was a sort of test to make sure we all got on well together before any of the “kink” stuff was injected. It went swimmingly (geddit, boss?) and as I was getting in the car, DK asked if I wanted to go further. Well actually… He said something along the lines of “I assume you still want to go further, yes?” I smiled and nodded. Tricksy, I’m telling you. 

I identified him as my owner before anything official was said. I referred to him as such on a thread, which he found quite funny and it was then made official. Wha? When did that happen? When did I agree to become his property and not just a potential interest? When did we agree that my choices were done with? When did I become owned property? When did we agree that I was now at his mercy? I don’t bloody remember.

I don’t know, with any certainty, that I did consciously choose this life with him. I know I expressed a desire for this life and very subtly expressed an interest in exploring it slowly with him. I don’t think I ever explicitally gave him my consent to take me as his property.

I implied it. I even gave it in some early instances but never did I clearly sit down and think about it. I was never given a clear chance to walk away. I’m not even sure that I wasn’t coerced into implying the consent. It’s even a bit muddy whether the level of interest I expressed came solely from me.

I was on the rebound, I’d had a horrible few months with health problems and I was definitely emotionally vulnerable. I have no doubts in that I was willing prey for him after he’d identified himself as a predator.. I’m just not sure how willing I was.

The fact that consent and the power to walk away was blurred at the start is actually quite comforting and reassuring. If he can almost trick me into admitting that I am his property and therefore my consent means nothing, what can he do once I have admitted it? It also fills me with fear. What am I getting into it? Did I choose this? If he is willing to capture a near stranger without explicit consent, what will he do now he doesn’t need it?

The questionable start to our relationship actually sums the rest of it up. Most of what I say channels him and what he wants me to say, caused me to feel and, in some cases, has trained me to think.

There’s a reason RoboKitti is stamped on my arm.

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  1. January 5th, 2010 at 17:58 | #1

    Silence equals consent, dontchaknow.

    And, you may not have actively and consciously said yes, but you also didn’t say no.

    So unless you screamed and ran in the direction of the nearest police station, you consented.

    He had you covered at every turn.

    See? More tricksy. *nods sagely*

  2. January 6th, 2010 at 02:44 | #2

    @kaya
    inorite.

    Tricksy bugger. 😀

  3. January 6th, 2010 at 12:39 | #3

    Most people say, and I will agree whole-heartedly, that CNC means that the owner can do what they wish to an with the property, regardless of the property’s wishes.

    I think I define CNC a little differently. I guess I think of it more as I’ve consented to allowing myself to be “raped” by my owner, or to be taken “against my will.” However, those *are* my wishes, because I’ve consented to them prior. I don’t really think of it as “regardless of the property’s wishes.”

    However, defining this stuff is always so hard and, well, tricksy.

  4. January 6th, 2010 at 15:26 | #4

    CNC is probably what more accurately defines my ownership of rayne as well. I think the concept is pretty simple. The definition I take away from “Consensual Non-Consent” is that the slave (bottom, property, insert correct label here) has agreed to give up all future rights (except for any pre-negotiated limits), without knowing what will actually happen beforehand. This might be for a specific period of time (renewed yearly or some such thing) or permanent (as is the case with rayne).

    Pre-agreed upon limits can be part of the agreement, of course, but once those limits are set and the slave has consented to have no choice in the future, it means just that: no choice, regardless of how the slave feels about it. If the slave is allowed to change his or her mind, it’s definitely not CNC, since at that point it’s negotiating, not prior consent. The definition of consent is “to permit, approve, or agree”. Obviously if you’re negotiating, the action hasn’t been permitted, approved or agreed to, so that cannot qualify as CNC.

    I agree, definitions are tough for these things. I attribute that to the fact that noone wants to read a dictionary anymore. “Slave” and “submissive”, for example, have very specific definitions in the English language, but you’ll constantly see people making up their own definitions. Drives me crazy because the definition of the terms we use allow us to communicate. If everyone is making up their own definitions, it makes it very hard to find common ground. I’ve even seen arguments on forums where people complain that “consent” doesn’t mean they agreed to something. Well, yes… it does. Matter of fact, that’s the exact definition of “consent”.

  5. January 7th, 2010 at 02:38 | #5

    @Melen
    “The definition of consent is “to permit, approve, or agree”.”

    I guess that’s what DK and I were trying to highlight. I didn’t actively do any of those. As kaya said, I didn’t fight him so it’s arguable that I permitted it and I agreed that it’s something I wanted in the future.

    I never once actively and explicitally permitted him to take advantage of me, approved of his actions or agreed to become his property. That’s what we were trying to highlight in this pair of posts.

    I agree with the rest of what you said, though. 🙂

  6. January 7th, 2010 at 05:00 | #6

    Britni, she is not a masochist, hates pain, she hates sex too, certainly doesn’t want them at all, other than to please me. I won’t “rape her”, I will rape her without the quote marks. Her wants, her likes have little place in our relationship.

    Melen, it is not so much that she has agreed to the future, more that she has not disagreed. I have never really even given her the chance to disagree, everything is implied, not expressed, andI have taken great care to ensure that there hasbeen little room for her to do anything else

  7. January 7th, 2010 at 21:47 | #7

    @daddy_keeper I won’t “rape her”, I will rape her without the quote marks. Her wants, her likes have little place in our relationship.

    And see, I guess that her wants do have a place in your relationship, because what she wants is this relationship with you, with no limits or boundaries, or however you’ve defined that. And if she wants that, then she’s consenting to whatever it is you’re going to do to her (CNC). Therefore, it’s not rape, because there *is* consent in some way. “Rape.” Not rape.

    I’m probably just splitting hairs here, because we’re all kind of saying the same thing in different ways. 🙂

  8. January 8th, 2010 at 10:45 | #8

    I think you are missing the point 🙂

    She has never consented, expressed desires yes, but she has been unable to escape, unable to make a clear decision as to whether or not she consents. If this were experimental surgery the op would not proceed.

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