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The myth of consent

January 5th, 2010

This could well turn out to be a long post, but please, stick with me to the bitter end, and then leave a calling card, a comment of your thoughts. Lets make one thing completely clear, this is not a fantasy, some work of fiction. To mimic hollywood events actually happened, any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely intentional. See previous post for her viewpoint.

Now I have hung around BDSM forums on and off for a few years now, and one topic that keeps cropping up in a few variations are red flags, new relationship safety, manipulation, domestic abuse and predators. They all follow the same basic formula, and every once in a while I jump in and point out what should be fucking obvious.

I am a predator, consent is not even a formality.

Now every so often this will elicit some responses along the lines of “Im a sub I want a predator type”. Then I generally quit the topic, however now here comes the truth, predators ain’t fun people, and yes that means me. However I’m a lucky predator, a great girl chose to hand her life over to me. Or did she? Now when I am doing my “I am a predator” speech as it relates to the whole new relationship and safecall waltz I point out the obvious that is so easily overlooked. As a predator I have certain things I do, first and foremost is make my prey feel safe, that they have the upper hand. This is what many people do, they put on a little facade, try to appear to be exactly what the person they are courting desires, both sides exhibit some predatory behaviour to snag the person they want. They manipulate, they depress the negative sides to them, accentuate the positives.

So lets examine the courting process as it relates to my kitti and that myth of consent. The methods I use are pretty much the same as those used in “normal” domestic abuse situations and by predators of all types the world over. Oh yes, both of those require lots of consent. Even to steal a phrase latched onto by the UK BDSM community, informed consent. It takes two to tango, likewise an abuser without a “victim” or predator without prey is nothing at all. I normally explain in forums that as there is consent in both abusive and bdsm relationships that the difference is one of trust, and perhaps communication. I have explained to kitti that even trust and communication have little place in our relationship. She can trust me to do as I please regardless of herself, and whilst she must tell me everything I wish to know or should know, I shall tell her as little or as much as suits my aims.

So Kitti and I first briefly bumped into each other on Fetlife, we bookmarked each other and kept an eye on what each other wrote, so she had every reason to be aware of how I operate, the kind of person I can be. Not just from the predatory dating techniques but topics including manipulation, brainwashing, psychological and emotional abuse as well as the run of the mill physical cruelty stuff. No excuses on her part, she had seen enough from me to know I am not your run of the mill type that loiters on bdsm forums. Whilst we gently and silently cyber-stalked each other she was in a relationship of sorts, then out of the blue, a simple hello on my “wall”, a couple of messages on my wall, a comment on something I wrote, and a rather speedy admission that she considered herself as single again, if not actually available.

Lets get this part clear, all through the exchange of messages I was reinforcing that I am greedy, selfish, manipulative and pretty damn good at toying with minds and thought processes. So what we end up with is a girl on the bounce from a failed relationship, being warned about what kind of person I am, but who still replies with messages that start “sorry for the delay” or “I like feeling that I have to respond promptly”. Talk about an easy hunt!

I decided at this stage to be nice for a change (or just even more manipulative) I told her that I was “officially interested” in owning her, I pointed out just what such ownership meant to me, and what would be expected of her. I pointed out that I would fuck with her mind, her emotions, give her my version of the relationship she said she sought, no limits, no “right to leave”, even no ability to leave be it an emotional bond or one more physical. Still the girl continued, even stated that she was just as interested in my ideas as I was in her. I pointed out that she would be lower than shit on my shoe, still she said she was willing to carry on. The messages continued, just a couple or so a day, but lengthy ones, and I carried on twisting her thoughts, wording my responses carefully to get my point across whilst still keeping her engaged, but still steering her into saying what I wanted her to say.

Every once in while I would point out exactly what I was doing, how I was putting thoughts in her head. One of the finer tricks of brainwashing is to point out exactly what is being done in a way that actually reinforces the manipulation rather than negates it. Very much a chicken/egg vicious circle situation. After less than two weeks she came for her first vanilla home visit, although it had been proposed within the first couple of days of messaging. As she left to drive home (some 6 hours after her scheduled departure time) she said she was willing to give it a go on my terms, but wanted three weeks of freedom. Less than two hours later I got an IM saying she was mine, completely and irrevocably.

Fast forward a few more days, another home visit, a ride out in the late night with me to do some shopping, with a detour down deserted country lanes to a quiet spot where she was punched and choked to the point of seeing stars. Next day, out to my workshop, again the middle of nowhere, more choking, slapping some punching that resulted in a broken bone, some kicking, all backed up with words reinforcing the concept that she was now owned, unable to leave, nothing more than a sniveling wretch who claimed to want to be property yet couldn’t even take a gentle beating. Two days of that, every word, every action intended to penetrate deep into her mind, to become the literal truth to her.

Let us return to that “right to leave” within a couple of hours of her arriving for that second visit I had possession of her car keys, and she had also told me exactly what else she does to enable escape, knowing damn well that by telling me about them I could remove them from her, even wanting me to do so. She has been made to believe and accept that every visit here may be her last, that at any time I may turn round and say thats it, no more job, no more family, nothing at all but a life of pain, humiliation, isolation and servitude. Is it what she wants? Of course not, she wants to be able to ease away from family gently, to be able to say her farewells, she wants her job so she has some financial independence, she wants to go on to university. All of these depend on me, she has no say, just opinions and a reliance on my morality, something she has been frequently warned is far from black and white, and subject to change.

Already just a few weeks after that she is displaying what many would regard as unhealthy signs of emotional and psychological dependency, but hey she chose this future didn’t she. Or did I make her choose it?

If you ask her she will often say she chose it, well she would do if I am that good wouldn’t she? However sometimes she will admit some some doubts, some uncertainty as to how much she chose of her own free will, how much she was manipulated. When she is being honest, she will even admit that being unsure how much was choice and how much control on my part is what really makes this all so much more real and what I told her she thought she wanted.

All throughout this she has been told she will never be loved, will be treated badly, used as a punchbag, be cut off from all her friends, family, any form of support network. That I will use all the tricks I have to destroy her emotionally and psychologically whilst also hurting her physically. I have long maintained that victims of domestic abuse consent to their treatment in many respects, informed her that I believe so and will treat her just the same way. She is the one who has encouraged me to hit her in anger, despite not being a physical masochist. Not a physical masochist, but an emotional one, and I have and will continue to take full advantage of that.

Not one single time has she said “I consent to….”, at best she has implied it, more usually just expressed an interest, a desire or even just described something as a fantasy. I have taken all of these, treated them as complete consent, taken liberties, ignored much of what she has said she wants, convinced her that her wants are in general irrelevant, or are what I say her wants should be. Her words have been twisted, repeated back at her to mean what I want them to mean. Her thoughts have been manipulated to work along the lines I want her to think on. Some of the things I want, she will say she wants, others, her wants, needs, desires and consent are irrelevant.

I even, back in the early days, described a conversation I had been having with another sub who called me, in its most basic form, a manipulative, scheming bastard. I even told kitti my reply to this allegation, “I have never claimed to be a nice person, now you have reason to believe it.”

When the rubber hits the road, it boils down to me taking advantage of someone easily manipulated, someone with no real ability to fight back, even understand really what is happening to her. She was merely stood at the side of the road, looking at the other side and has been hit by a truck, or stood on the beach and suddenly finding herself swept out to sea by some freak wave, there is nothing she can do about it.

In the past she has likened herself to a working dog, a police dog, a farm hound. Neither consent to their role, but in the end they accept it, are even comfortable and happy in it.

Categories: Sojourners Tags:
  1. January 31st, 2010 at 21:47 | #1

    This post makes me physically ill. This is not D/s. This is abuse.

  2. January 31st, 2010 at 22:40 | #2

    I think you will find the following,

    1, This is d/s, its just not your flavour of it.

    2, Abuse is d/s. Yeah, one person dominating another is abuse, and it can be d/s too.

    Please, do yourself a favour, read her version of these events, read some of the other posts where the start of our relationship is described.

  3. February 1st, 2010 at 03:04 | #3

    I am fine with most D/s relationships. I find your attitude toward your submissive to be terrifying. I read her post about consent, and I still feel that way.

  4. February 1st, 2010 at 05:49 | #4

    Well perhaps there are a few things that should be spelt out before you continue with your condemmn ation.

    Firstly, she is happy. Not merely content with our relationship, but deep down happy with me, herself and the world around her.

    Second having no choice, or the illusion of no choice was her desire, something fundamental to what she wanted. She did not want to become property, she wanted to be made property.

    Thirdly, she is not my submissive. She is property like my car, my dog, my cell phone.

  5. February 1st, 2010 at 10:05 | #5

    You describe yourself as “painfully vanilla”. Without inside knowledge of a D/s relationship, how can you understand what is and isn’t D/s?

    Do you not think that a more constructive approach would be to simply read more of our posts?

  6. alwaysHistora
    February 1st, 2010 at 10:46 | #6

    i will probably never understand the intricacies of your ownership of kitts, D_K, but find it refreshing and even a bit shocking that you are so open and candid about it. (Per your more recent post, i’m not used to open O/M types having time to expound on their side of things)

    That being said, i wouldn’t dream of calling your flavor of O/p abuse, as how can one abuse another when there are no limits to authority to begin with?

    i might get a bit squeamish when you describe your fun time with kitts (fun for you, that is lol) but i thank you for putting it out there. Even when you become buried in the red flags.

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