Archive for January 5th, 2010

The myth of consent

January 5th, 2010 6 comments

This could well turn out to be a long post, but please, stick with me to the bitter end, and then leave a calling card, a comment of your thoughts. Lets make one thing completely clear, this is not a fantasy, some work of fiction. To mimic hollywood events actually happened, any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely intentional. See previous post for her viewpoint.

Now I have hung around BDSM forums on and off for a few years now, and one topic that keeps cropping up in a few variations are red flags, new relationship safety, manipulation, domestic abuse and predators. They all follow the same basic formula, and every once in a while I jump in and point out what should be fucking obvious.

I am a predator, consent is not even a formality.

Now every so often this will elicit some responses along the lines of “Im a sub I want a predator type”. Then I generally quit the topic, however now here comes the truth, predators ain’t fun people, and yes that means me. However I’m a lucky predator, a great girl chose to hand her life over to me. Or did she? Now when I am doing my “I am a predator” speech as it relates to the whole new relationship and safecall waltz I point out the obvious that is so easily overlooked. As a predator I have certain things I do, first and foremost is make my prey feel safe, that they have the upper hand. This is what many people do, they put on a little facade, try to appear to be exactly what the person they are courting desires, both sides exhibit some predatory behaviour to snag the person they want. They manipulate, they depress the negative sides to them, accentuate the positives.

So lets examine the courting process as it relates to my kitti and that myth of consent. The methods I use are pretty much the same as those used in “normal” domestic abuse situations and by predators of all types the world over. Oh yes, both of those require lots of consent. Even to steal a phrase latched onto by the UK BDSM community, informed consent. It takes two to tango, likewise an abuser without a “victim” or predator without prey is nothing at all. I normally explain in forums that as there is consent in both abusive and bdsm relationships that the difference is one of trust, and perhaps communication. I have explained to kitti that even trust and communication have little place in our relationship. She can trust me to do as I please regardless of herself, and whilst she must tell me everything I wish to know or should know, I shall tell her as little or as much as suits my aims.

So Kitti and I first briefly bumped into each other on Fetlife, we bookmarked each other and kept an eye on what each other wrote, so she had every reason to be aware of how I operate, the kind of person I can be. Not just from the predatory dating techniques but topics including manipulation, brainwashing, psychological and emotional abuse as well as the run of the mill physical cruelty stuff. No excuses on her part, she had seen enough from me to know I am not your run of the mill type that loiters on bdsm forums. Whilst we gently and silently cyber-stalked each other she was in a relationship of sorts, then out of the blue, a simple hello on my “wall”, a couple of messages on my wall, a comment on something I wrote, and a rather speedy admission that she considered herself as single again, if not actually available.

Lets get this part clear, all through the exchange of messages I was reinforcing that I am greedy, selfish, manipulative and pretty damn good at toying with minds and thought processes. So what we end up with is a girl on the bounce from a failed relationship, being warned about what kind of person I am, but who still replies with messages that start “sorry for the delay” or “I like feeling that I have to respond promptly”. Talk about an easy hunt! Read more…

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The myth of my consent…

January 5th, 2010 5 comments

The concept of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) is thrown around a lot. After reading a lot of discussions in the M/s based groups and rape play groups, where CNC is a major feature, I came to the conclusion that DK and I fall outside the grey lines of what’s acceptable.

Most people say, and I will agree whole-heartedly, that CNC means that the owner can do what they wish to an with the property, regardless of the property’s wishes. Some also add the caveat that it’s within limits. Most, however, will say that their final choice was to choose and therefore consent to, a CNC relationship, thus making is consensual non-consent. This is where I think we fall down. I’m not sure I did choose or consent.

Manipulation and brain-washing are both large parts of what he does. They’re both things we wanted from the start. I have absolutely no idea when they started.

We first chatted as friends while I was in a previous relationship. A few light-hearted message here, a wall message or two there, a quick hello at an event… I don’t remember how but we got talking again after my relationship ended. We got talking about the type of TPE relationship he was seeking and my philosophies about those sorts of relationships. I was very clear that I wasn’t seeking anything because I was still hurting after things ending with D.

I know I definitely cultivated a difference in station. I did not, however, acknowledge that he had any real power over me. I just wasn’t ready. I was still emotionally vulnerable and didn’t want to rush into anything before I’d gotten used to being my own person again.

I remember a turning point being that he’d said he’d try not to send long messages to respond to while I was at work because typing on my phone is awkward. He sent a very long message and at the bottom put “bugger, this was meant to be short. Oh well. I can be a selfish arsehole and hit send anyway”. I just smiled and carried on. Looking back at it, I took is as a joke but I actually just accepted it as a little bit more difficulty in a task he’d set me because… well… he could.

After a few more messages, he officially declared an interest in owning me. I was flattered but because of the recent break up, I told him I wanted to take things slow but that the interest was reciprocated. He used a particular analogy and after I ran with it, he showed me that my response meant that I had already made the decision to commit to him. He was right. Tricksy… Very tricksy!

I spent an evening with him and his girlfriend and I think it was quietly understood by all that this was a sort of test to make sure we all got on well together before any of the “kink” stuff was injected. It went swimmingly (geddit, boss?) and as I was getting in the car, DK asked if I wanted to go further. Well actually… He said something along the lines of “I assume you still want to go further, yes?” I smiled and nodded. Tricksy, I’m telling you.  Read more…

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