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He Asked For It!

December 30th, 2009

“Look at it this way.  I am telling you to use your imagination to please me.  I won’t hold it against you or be angry with you.  It will give me pleasure for you to serve me. ”

In my most recent post I used butterflies to symbolize the change in my life.  I am starting to think I should get a butterfly permanently tattooed on my body because things are ever changing.  My relationship with Will is turning into something we never planned for or intended in the beginning.  The initial aim of our relationship was purely going to be platonic sex.  Well, we realized that there was much more there than just a relationship of casual sex.  We became and are lovers.  Now he has asked something of me that I never imagined.

He and I sat and talked in the sun room last weekend over coffee.  It’s what we do on a Sunday morning after I’ve spent the night with him.  We were just chatting and snuggling when I looked up at him and said with sincerity “you are the first person I have felt completely comfortable around.  You are the first person I have fully given myself to.”  He smiled and kissed me.  And it’s true.  I never gave myself fully to Tab because I didn’t trust him.  I never fully gave myself to anyone else, for that matter, because I never felt as though I could be free to be me.  I am highly complex and cannot be defined by even a conundrum of terms.  I have always had to reserve who I am and compromise for my partners of the past.  Things are different now.  Much different.

I have been friends with his wife for over a year now and she has seen my worst moments.  The ones before I moved back home to New Orleans.  She never once judged me and always encouraged me to be who I am, flaws and all.  I was always afraid to, but I found that living with these flaws and accepting them helped me to mend them and better myself.  When she and I met face to face about two months ago I was a different person and I am different even today.  The fact of the matter is that she is pretty much the only person that knew me then and stuck with me.  She is the first person I felt fully comfortable being me around.  And she still is along with her husband.

I have training in high protocol and service.  I learned from Gabriel while I was under his mentorship.  Granted, I haven’t learned everything I know from him, but a lot of my mannerisms and the way I hold myself come from him and being a member of his House.  When I fully let go, I am completely subservient.  Alright, mostly.  I still retain my attitude and my right to say “screw you, I am NOT blowing the dog.”

So why is this such a big change for us?  For starters, Will has only just come out into the world of BDSM on his own and begin his own journey.  He is learning what he likes and doesn’t like, as we all are.  We never stop learning and experiencing.  He and I had discussed my subservience once before and he never really expressed an interest in having me completely servile.  I never pushed the issue because I did not want him to be uncomfortable.  When he asked this of me, it completely astounded me.

Normally, he and I sit together, laugh, talk, snuggle, fuck, kiss, and just enjoy spending time together.  It is very low key and very non BDSM.  We really only experiment with things in the bedroom and that is mostly spanking, hair pulling, and domination in bed.  That is perfectly fine with me.  If it makes him happy, then I am happy.  I also do little things for him and his wife to show that I appreciate them and show my submission.  For example, I will get up and make coffee for him in the morning before I make a cup for myself (we get up together).  I’ll make a cup for her when she wakes up as well.  There are really no protocols in our relationship either.  I call him what I feel comfortable with.  I do not refer to him as “Sir” or “Master”.  That is out of both of our comfort levels.

This is going to change relatively soon.  I am falling into my wholly submissive role.  What does this mean exactly?  It means that I no longer do things of my own merit.  I will not get up and move about without asking permission prior.  I will not eat until both he and she have started and do not need anything else.  I will get up to get things for them without them having to ask.  I will not take a seat beside him without him telling me to do so.  Sex is not for my pleasure but for his (which is not the case normally).  I will provide maid service and any other service he and she desire.  If he wants his feet rubbed, I will do it (I hate feet).  If I leave the room, I will not turn my back to him or her until I have crossed the threshold or have taken three steps back (depending on where I am in the room).

The list goes on and on.  The above are just examples.

He wants me to be free in my submission and has asked to see, physically, what I have given to him.  He will decide our boundaries and what will be on the regular basis in time.  For now, this is an experiment of sorts to see what mannerisms he finds pleasing in me and what he could live without.  He’s already thrown out the asking permission to get up and pee rule much to my happiness.  That grates on my nerves most of the time.

I am definitely looking forward to where this goes and writing about our experience.  I am definitely looking forward to being in my mode of service.  It has been far too long since I have felt the deep desire to please and serve.

  1. December 31st, 2009 at 23:08 | #1

    I definitely want to hear more about it. Sounds like you two will have lots of learning to do together. 🙂

  2. January 4th, 2010 at 09:52 | #2

    Always interested in reading about more traditional/formal type relationships, keep us informed.

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