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December 28th, 2009

butterflies_-_02-800x600I have an intense fear of butterflies.  It is so bad that walking through a butterfly garden at the Zoo will make me cringe and want to crawl out of my skin.  I have never understood why I am so afraid of butterflies until last night.  Butterflies signify change and, quite frankly, I am afraid of most change.  The change that I am afraid of has nothing to do with a change in my life with new experiences and newly opened doors.  My fear has to do with the familiar things in my life changing.  And boy are they.

The family that I belong to is slowly falling apart and it is hurting my heart so very much.  I am not happy with what it has become and boiled down to.  All of the accusations of liars, backstabbers, hurt feelings, and he said/she said is getting to me.  There isn’t one moment when every person in the family is content and happy with the other.  That’s how a family is, I know, but this goes beyond just normal “I can’t stand you” nonsense.  This has to do with months of accumulation and lack of expression of feelings.  It has to do with there being disregard for those feelings.  It has to do with the fact that when I became a part of this House it was such a joy to my life.  Now, it has become something that I get quiet about and don’t really speak much about.

I first became a part of the House with my former Master, Tab.  He and I were welcomed with open arms and acceptance of who we are.  Neither he nor I have the experience our superiors have, but we were willing to learn.  Tab burned his bridges and was removed from the family, not because he ended our relationship.  The night after our break up, I was given protection, security, and a sense of hope that things would get better in my life.  The collar of protetion was my beam of light in the dark tunnel I had found myself feeling around.  His words and his love picked me up.  Everyone else showered me with love and affection.  I had a great family.  Everything was wonderful.

And then things began to change.

After the initial weekend of being a part of the family, things began to turn into something I never thought imaginable.  There was so much drama that I didn’t even know about that I had suddenly inherited.  And then the drama poured in to involve me when I had done nothing to deserve it, in my eye.  All I did was try to provide and do for my family as I was required to do.  And then one night I got the cold shoulder and was hurt in one of the most awful ways possible.  I was disregarded until the end of the night.  I hate feeling insignificant, I really do.

After much debate and thought, I have decided to make a change to my life.  A change that some of you probably did not see coming. 

I have decided to return my collar of protection and remove myself from the family.  This is a change that I need to make for myself.  This is what is best for my life right now.  I cannot devote my time and energy to a family that needs more than I can offer.  I am a student and a daughter first and foremost.  I am not going to put those things on the back burner anymore.  I am going to start prioritizing my life and preparing to my entrance to the real world after graduation.

The fact that I am in a new relationship has nothing to do with my decision, so throw that out right now.  I have to do what is best for me.  I am tired of seeing people hurting around me in the family.  I am tired of the drama that has happened and continues to happen.  I have grown tired of being ignored and disregarded.  I am just tired, period.  I did not sign on for this.  I signed on for being a part of a family and acting as a family, not what it has become.

I made my decision for me.  I hope, for the future, that all of this smooths out and we can be a family again.  For now, though, this is where I stand and will remain for some time.

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  1. December 28th, 2009 at 22:44 | #1

    It seems like it was the best decision. It’s really good that you’re concentrating on yourself. I’m sorry you had a bad experience with your Household. I haven’t had too many problems with mine as of yet. BDSM really does invite drama sometimes.

  2. December 29th, 2009 at 05:17 | #2

    Families that are falling apart are like buildings that are falling down. The smart move is to get out whilst you can. I think you did right, but more importantly you did what you think right.

  3. VieuxCarre
    December 29th, 2009 at 12:17 | #3

    I also need to point out that I still love each and every person in the family greatly. I really do, but it is that love that sometimes tears people apart. I understand that any relationship you enter into, you have the potential to get hurt. I am not hurting so much as sitting here disappointed. Everything turned out different than expected, and I know that happens often. It is something that I am picking up and moving on from, though. I feel that I made the right decision and I am happy with it.

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