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Caring and love… The prologue

December 23rd, 2009

Tomorrow I’ll be writing a proper post about how care and love feature in our relationship… I couldn’t think of a decent title for this and I’ll be touching on it so yeah… prologue!

I just spent a few days with DK, his primary (M) and his third. Most of the three days was filled with bad pain and negative emotion.

A little bit of background… I have a few health issues but I’m totally defensive about them.  When DK told me to keep him informed about a hospital test I was going to have… I quite literally told him to fuck off and mind his own business. On Monday afternoon, DK “pointed out” to me  that this was not an appropriate response. I ended up pouring out months of fear, loneliness, terror, illness, pain and my own mortality out of my eyes into his shoulder.

Seriously… I absolutely sobbed.

There has been a lot of conversation between us recently about how despite the fact that he doesn’t love me and won’t love me… He still cares about me. That’s been difficult for me to come to terms with.

I think I’m currently experiencing emotional subdrop since I need to talk to him and I’m choosing not to call him because yeah.. He’s got others to look after and I’m bottom of the food chain. They’re far more fun, they need a lot less care at the moment since I’m still in immense pain, very tired and very very weepy. Talking to me will just pull him away from the fun lively girls who he can play with…

I’m all kinds of fun today!

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  1. December 23rd, 2009 at 16:45 | #1

    I think it must be hard to be intimately involved with anyone, especially on such a deep level (as BDSM) can tend to be, while knowing that someone doesn’t and won’t love you. His honesty is refreshing and admirable, and I don’t know much about our feelings on it or your relationship dynamic (I guess I’ll find out in later posts!), but those are still not easy words to hear from someone that you’re involved with. <3

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