I’m an insomniac, and I drive an awful lot. Much of my thinking is done late at night when the house is settled, or I will just pull off the road, have a quiet smoke whilst I contemplate things. I’m going to try put some of these things down for you all to read and discuss.

So here is one to start you all off, a little insight into me, how I think. I have a suspicion my posts are going to be both rare (quit cheering at the back there) and lengthy (no hissing either please).

I’m not allowed to drive the train
The whistle I can’t blow
I’m not allowed to say just how far
This train’s allowed to go

I’m not allowed to let off steam
Nor even ring the bell
But let the damn thing jump the tracks
And see who catches Hell!!!

I used to have this on my office wall. I was for want of a better word, a troubleshooter. I took on the jobs that had been over specified, under resourced. Salvaging some success from jobs that were all to often destined for catastrophic failure was what I did, and did it well. I still got the complaints from clients that I had changed specs, increased costs, not done what the original person responsible had promised, but always at the back of my mind were two thoughts.

I’ve accepted responsibility for this bastard contract, I will see it through, good and bad. 

I have a boss, I can always shunt things upstairs onto his desk.

I never actually did the second, always did the first, but that safety net was there, Now I am head of this house, leader of this little pack, there is no higher authourity to pass the buck to. Every decision is ultimately mine, even if delegated, because hand in hand with that comes the simple but immense fact that every responsibility is ultimately mine too. No deity to pray to, no supreme being to lend a hand, Every problem is my problem. Sometimes there is that rare thing, a smart, pro-active set of s-types the ones that see making my life easier or better is not merely about making a cup of coffee on demand, keeping house, reminding me to eat. Proactive is good, one of the best ways to make my life easier and better as a whole for the group is to deal with minor things, I don’t need to be troubled by them, but am always there ready to take them on. Thats not me complaining, I know what I was getting myself into. I walked in eyes wide open, knowing it was going to be hard. I’m a stubborn bastard, I will see this through, I will make it work as best I can.

Kitti has to accept my authourity, live with the things I make her do, even when she does not like them. The same goes for the other two, but sometimes in slightly different ways. More, it applies to me, I have to accept that responsibility, the good and the bad, the smiles and giggles are my creation, but so is the shit and thats a much tougher responsibility. The shit is hard, sometimes it just happens, I can live with that. Harder are those times where I have to create lots of shit, cruel to be kind is a valid concept, especially when considering the methodical destruction of another human being is bilaterally desired. Hardest of all are the times where I fuck up, create a bad situation by inattention or overlooked omission, they are still my responsibility, I know that, I accept that.

This is why dominant types rarely blog, we are too busy making things work, and then every once in a while enjoying the fruits of our labours. We are ducks, we paddle away like hell to make things work as best we can, but can rarely let it show.

PS if one of the other contributors wants to follow me along, clean up my posts, add links and tags etc, feel free I haven’t a clue how this place works 🙂