And my reason is you.

Yesterday was a relatively bitter day for me. First of all, it was just bad all around. Really bad. Secondly, it was a painful reminder of one of the toughest chapters of my life that I closed a year ago.

Yesterday was the one year mark of when I completely boxed up my life in Lafayette and left without really telling anyone. Friends of mine didn’t find out until the semester started when I told them I wouldn’t be returning. My sorority sisters didn’t find out until I didn’t make a dues payment. I wanted to go quietly. It was just too painful.

A year ago yesterday, I was a battered woman. I had just gotten through a near death experience. I was living in a house that had been stripped away thanks to a wanker of a land lord with no electricity during one of the coldest Decembers. I was addicted to cocaine. I was dealing with the pain of having my world shattered by everyone around me, for the most part.

And then my mom, after two years of badgering and begging me to come home, convinced me. She brought me home with the nothing I had left and gave me the chance to start over again. I enrolled in a new school and was scared to death. I didn’t want to do this. My life was in Lafayette, not New Orleans. I had no friends here at this University. Where would I go from here?

I have only recently been able to answer that question. 

Last night I was able to reflect on everything that has happened in a  year.  I was depressed and in pain over it all.  I went to the mall and got my ears pierced again to deal with it.  I needed the rush.  When I got home and talked to W for a while, we got rather in depth.  He asked my why I’d had such a bad day.  First of all, I was worried as hell about a stupid decision my ex was going to make which he didn’t (thank God).  I was also worried about one of my best friends and the stuff she’s going through.

We got to talking more and he was goofy enough to ask me what I want for Christmas.  I honestly want nothing.  I have everything that I want.  I don’t find happiness in material things.  I find happiness in the gifts of love and affection my friends and family give to me on a regular basis.  But, to amuse him, I indulged some silly things such as a Ferrari in Candy Apple Red, mind you.  I have good taste.  Other things included obnoxious bras and panties and the deed to the world so that I can become ultra ruler and banish all the stupid people.  A girl can dream, right?

One thing we hit on made me almost cry.  There is one thing that, if I could have it, I would trade my entire world for.  I laid there in silence for a minute before I could even get the words out of my mouth.  I wanted my babies back and I still do.  I know that I was young and that they are in a better place.  I know that it was not meant to be, but the love of a mother never goes away.  The want to have your children (I had twin girls) is something that never goes away.

And then he said the phrase that made my tears go away and made me smile.  “Everything happens for a reason, baby girl.”  And it does.  It’s true.  My mom, after her ugly divorce with my father, used to tell me “everything happens for a reason and my reason is you.”  Everything she did, she did for me.  Everything I do, I do for me and for the people around me.  I cannot be sad about the past, but learn from it and become a better person to myself and the people around me.  And that’s when my shitty day of being depressed about packing up my party life in Lafayette ended.

I began to remember all the things that have happened since the move.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve completely cut my drug habit out of my life and bettered myself. I’m definitely a different person than I was a year ago and it is definitely a good thing.

Now that I look back on it all, I’m glad that I moved back home. If I would have stayed in Lafayette, I probably would be worse off. I would, most likely, still be getting high five times a day, not caring about my well being, and probably lying in a gutter somewhere. I got a chance and I took it.

I love where my life has led me. I am glad I went through Hell in Lafayette to come back home and rebuild myself. If I wouldn’t have, then I would never have met the people I have met or developed the relationships that I have.

My life, though hectic still, is much better and one that I can now celebrate instead of dread.