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New Dynamic

December 12th, 2009

In my first post I explained how my long distance relationship worked and why it did.  Long distance, for me, is a dynamic that is extremely difficult to maintain.  I had always feared long distance relationships for the very reason that every single one I had been in ended.  And not well either.  Distance puts a huge strain on couples because most people desire the companionship, the touch of their partner, the idea that if they are needed only a five minute drive is required, etc.  The fact of the matter is that with the interent being the main front of meeting people these days, distance relationships are becoming more and more popular and wide spread.

Despite the fact that my last distance relationship dissolved, I have ventured into another.  This relationship is definitely different dynamic wise.  For starters, instead of being three hours away from my partner, he and I are only an hour apart.  Being an hour apart makes it so much easier if he and I are both not busy at the same time.  The drive isn’t bad either since most of the stretch is cluttered with towns and such.  It doesn’t feel like an hour at all.

Now, another dynamic that I have been petrified of is polyamory.  Polyamory in the past, for me, has been ruined.  Almost two years ago I was with a boy (I call him a boy because he gave me no reason to refer to him as a man) who claimed to be polyamorous and stated that he wanted to have an open relationship with me.  Great, fabulous!  I was up for it because of the fact that he and I lived over 2,000 miles from each other.  Seriously, living in Louisiana and dating a boy in Washington State is NOT fun at all.  Keep in mind he and I agreed to be polyamorous which, to me, meant that he could have multiple lovers and I could as well while he was away.  Boy was I wrong.  He defined polyamory as him being allowed mulitple partners to stick his dick in, but I had to stay loyal to him and keep my legs closed.  Oh, I’m sorry.  What?  To me, that just didn’t seem fair, but like a sucker, I stayed.  For over a year.

During the year that he and I were together, he had, roughly, 15 different sex partners.  To me, that’s not polyamory.  That is abusing the power that I have given you as my Dominant and abusing me as a submissive.  The relationship changed in the fact that he started seeing another girl, online, and didn’t tell me about her.  He hid me in a closet so to speak.  I didn’t like that either.  He took a dynamic, which isn’t a bad one, and turned it into something absolutely awful for me.  When I took off his collar, I swore that I would never be in a distance relationship again or try poly.  Ever.

Keep in mind that when I was in this relationship I was still in the closet about my kink.  There was no local community where I lived and the closest one I could not go to because of my age.  I was just barely 20 at the time.  He and I had dated right after I turned 19.  When I moved home a year ago was when I became involved in the local community and that involvement led me to start seeing things with different eyes.  Stepping into my first munch (a vanilla social gathering of kinky people for those of you who don’t know) was like stepping into a whole new world.  I was introduced to people who were local to me who shared the same interests.  This was great.  Maybe I could break out of my shell and explore the things I had sworn off of.  Boy did I.  When Tab and I entered into a relationship, I was still hesitant about being committed because of all the past scars I had.  When he and I got together, we had the agreement that he and I could still play with others in a non sexual manner so long as we were open and honest with each other at all times.  That, to me, was a baby step into a semi-polyamorous relationship.

Now, we had our issues.  We just never expressed them to each other.  On both parts, we were both a slight bit jealous of the fact that the other was playing with different people.  I’ll admit that I was.  I can’t speak for him, but I’m sure he was too.  Who wouldn’t be jealous of another man beating on his girl when he’s not around?  Especially if it was a recurring thing.  I sure would be.  Then we crossed the problem of not being open with each other.  He started to mildly hide things from me and I knew he was.  I have a sixth sense.  I can feel emotions and people.  Needless to say, those issues that he battled that I know not of led to the end of our relationship and me swearing off the possibility of an open relationship again.

So, am I still swearing off polyamory and being in an open relationship?  No.  As of about a week ago I began officially dating a man who is married and open with his wife.  She and I began talking as friends about a year ago and only formally met a few months back at Jasmine Private Club.  I was shocked as hell when she introduced me to her husband.  Something you need to understand is that when she and I first started talking, he was in no way involved with the scene.  He has only recently come out and started exploring publicly.  We talked for a few minutes before I went back up to the dungeon to spend time with the family and play around.  I was still with Tab at the time and had no interest in pursuing him or her.  I was being a faithful girl I was!

After the break up, he had sent me a message, though his wife, of interest in me.  I blew it off at first.  I was hurting too much to even think about someone else.  After the initial hurt faded away and all I had left was a small ache, I decided to take him up on the offer.  We went into the first date with no expectations and ended up making out next to my car in the parking lot at school.  I was still afraid of getting too close because of my fear of stepping on his wife’s toes.  Well, she’s totally ok with our relationship.  Hell, she encouraged it a bit.

This is the polyamorous relationship I had in mind.  This is how I always viewed it.  The three of us spent most of the day together Thursday.  We all went to lunch, we all hung out and talked, and we all had a good time.  He and I had our time together alone and when she came home we resumed all spending time together.  It is definitely a healthy relationship and the experience with polyamory that I have been longing for.  I have made the deicision, on my own, to be sexually monogamous with him.  He will always have his wife.  I love it.  I put her first before I make any decisions on doing things (I make sure that it’s ok with her, etc.).  It is definitely a great thing and I am excited to see where this relationship goes.

The moral of the story is not to swear off of the things that you fear.  It takes a few douche nozzles to ruin something for you, but one experience can change your entire world.  I am living proof of that.

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  1. December 12th, 2009 at 15:44 | #1

    Ya know, you hit the nail right on the head. If all parties aren’t on board and open, it just won’t work.

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