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Sexual Stigmas

November 18th, 2009

taboo_sex
I didn’t always have sex because I liked it.

Why, yes! Yes, I do know how hard that is to believe.

Especially knowing me.

However, I didn’t always have sex because I liked it.  I liked pleasing men.  Sex seemed to please the men I knew.  So, I had sex with them.  It never won me any friendships or kinships or kindness.  Unless you include being protected with vicious fervor from people who didn’t approve.  But I got invited to parties and I was never alone and the trade off seemed worth it to me.

I was convinced an orgasm was something a woman had in her bedroom, in the dark, alone.

No man I had been with had ever tried to make me cum before.  They certainly never seemed concerned when I didn’t.  Not a single one ever asked what they could do to help me to enjoy it more.  They told me how to lay, what to do, what noises to make to please them.  What I enjoyed wasn’t ever really an issue.  Which was fine because…

I was convinced an orgasm was something a woman had in her bedroom, in the dark,  alone.  And only the trashiest of trash used toys.  Matter of fact, if you must be dirty with yourself, you use only the tips of your fingers and get it over with as quickly as possible.  And never, ever speak of it! (Thanks, Mom!!)

My mom never said those things to me, but with the stigma surrounding sex talks in my house (I learned about sex from school.), it sure seemed like the pleasure I got from getting myself off was a horrible, horrible secret.  One I should never talk about with anyone.

That didn’t change till I met Master. 

The first time He made me masturbate for Him was so incredibly embarrassing and humiliating.  My face was red the whole time.  My stomach in knots.  And my fingers felt like lead.  But I did it anyway.  And each time after that was that much easier.  And now?

Now I really love sex.  I love everything about sex.  I love that I can make my partner sublimely happy just by making Him feel good.  I love that I can make me sublimely happy just by making me feel good.  I love touching His body and my own, which is something I never used to do.  I love the crazy things we get up to during sex.  And I especially love the sex itself.  Sex is a good thing.

But it’s not always easy getting over that stigma.  I occasionally have relapses.  I’ll peek up at Master with my hands in my cunt and ask, “Are you really just gonna stare at me?” (To which He usually responds, “Yes.”) I find myself blanching at the idea of getting back into sex work.  I get almost nauseous when He talks about letting others use me.  Not all the time.  Just sometimes.

And it’s not because I won’t like it.  Once I get over feeling like a used up crack whore, and worrying about whether or not the person will make fun of my size and shape, I’m wetter than Lake Michigan.  I love being used sexually.  I love feeling like a dirty piece of fuck meat.

Except when I don’t.  And when I don’t is when I’m usually feeling the worst about myself.  When I’m feeling good… When I get that slight burst of confidence I was talking about… I’ll do anything that feels good in those moods.  And when I say anything, I mean we haven’t found anything I won’t do, yet.

I guess part of it is because I don’t feel degraded by M, most of the time.  I know what He thinks of me.  What my place is.  When someone’s already at the bottom, it’s difficult to degrade them anymore.

Oh, He manages it sometimes.  Like last night when He slapped me upside the head and called me a fat pig whore.  I’ve always considered being slapped upside the head a symbol that someone really thinks you’re dumb.  I don’t know where I got that connotation from.  Or maybe it’s a normal assumption? ~shrug~

I already mentioned that I’ve been involving myself more with the sex-positive community.  I’m slacking.  I could definitely be more involved.  But right now, I’ve been ordered not to take on any new projects in favor of being able to concentrate more on Him.  I can handle that.  =D

<3
~pig whore

  1. November 18th, 2009 at 20:59 | #1

    Rayne,

    It seems so weird, what we do to our children concerning sex. You learned that sex was shameful. I learned that I’d be a rapist if I became sexual. We’re the lucky ones, because we’ve figured out the lies and the truth and have embraced the truth. That it’s still happening in this, the 21st century, seems appalling.

    Dave

  2. November 22nd, 2009 at 14:20 | #2

    @dweaver999 It is kinda sad. :/

  3. December 17th, 2010 at 00:17 | #3

    This made me sad. Up until the part where your start to talk about your Master. But all of that ‘before’ business is just…sad. And a reality for far to many women.

  4. December 29th, 2010 at 20:52 | #4

    @the bedroom blogger Yeah, isn’t that the truth? Thanks for the comment! 🙂

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