Yesterday, from about eleven till about three, in a word?

Suckage.

I pissed Master off royally.

So, we all know I have self-esteem problems.  And taking pictures the other day, and having them really not come out how I wanted them to, sent me into a tailspin.

I was pissy and rude and disrespectful and mean.  Shooting Him looks mean enough to kill if He dared tell me to do something other than wallow in my pity party and damn near cutting His balls off with my double-bladed tongue.  And none of my problem has anything to do with Him.

And that’s the shittiest part.  I screamed at Him over and over, “It doesn’t matter what you or other people think.  My problem isn’t what you or other people think.  My problem is what I think!” while still holding Him accountable for my problem with my attitude.

I finally shut up and listened to Him, and we worked it out like we always do.  The conversation ended up all over the place, which normally would make things explode into a ginormous, sucking black hole.  But yesterday, the flip-flopping of the conversation actually got a lot of shit handled.

We talked about how I have a ton of shit I want to do but don’t get up out of my own way to do it.  How I’m behind on some things that I really have no reason to be behind on except that I don’t sit down and do them.  About how I’m constantly allowing myself to become distracted.

We talked about the things I want to learn and do and be, and how if I continue to sit here ignoring them, they’ll never come to pass.  

And part of it’s depression.  I’m not so blind that I don’t see that.  Depression caused by low self esteem, for the most part.  But it’s also a little bit because of how long it’s taking us to get back on solid ground financially.  At least by next week our most pressing bills (Rent, electricity, internet… You know! The important stuff!) will be completely caught up and we won’t have to worry about that anymore for a while.  Hopefully.

Part of it’s because I’m so.  friggin.  bored.  I’ve made a career of being bored.  Everything bores me within minutes.  Even things that interest me, usually, can’t grab my attention for more than a few minutes.  And I’m not really sure what to do about that.  When I was younger, it was because everything came to me so easy.  Challenging me was near to impossible.  These days, I dunno if it’s just because I’m lazy or because I’m stupid now or what.  ~shrug~

So I’ve got a few new restrictions and He’s reincorporating our punishment dynamic.

I’m not allowed on Twitter or IM till all the stuff I’m supposed to do that day is finished.  I’m not sure if that includes things I owe other people.  I should probably ask Him.  But to be honest, I should probably wait till I’m done with that stuff to get on, anyway.  Otherwise, I’ll fuck my train of thought up so royally (and do, regularly) that it’ll take me hours upon hours to produce anything.

He’s going to put me on a tighter schedule and He’s requiring Pilates four to five times a week.

And my blog is now last on the list of things to do because of how long it sometimes takes me.  Course, part of why it takes me so long is because I allow myself to be distracted by everything else on the internet while I’m blogging.  So this whole decreasing my number of distractions thing is probably a really friggin good thing.  I’m fucking thirty years old (almost) so I should have had the presence of mind to realize I was in my own way.

And on some level, I did.  But I didn’t want to face it.  Facing it means I have to change the way I do things. Changing the way I do things means not being able to just do whatever I want.

When He told me to do the other stuff I owe Him today before the blog and that the blog should be last, my response was, “My blog is an assignment from you, too.”

I was pouring a cup of coffee and I froze mid-pour.  He knows my blog is an assignment from Him.  He also knows it takes me the longest.  And doing it after I’ve done everything else makes sense.

So I apologized and told Him I should have just said, “Yes, Master.”

What’s funny is I popped into My Daily Moment this morning to check my horoscope and found this:

Aries:

Discipline and a sense of duty have been major themes for you lately, and it may seem as if someone has put the brakes on a current plan of yours, dear Aries. Try not to see this as a negative thing. In reality, this is an important time for you to slow down and plan. Be aware of the passage of time, and consider using a datebook to help you organize your scattered energy. This is a good time for you to focus and streamline your life.

My stars are siding with Master.  What.  The fuck?

<3