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Tuesday Night – The First Time

September 17th, 2009

symbolI don’t know how much I’m willing to give you today.  I’m going to try to write about Tuesday night, but there’s a lot that I’m not ready to share.

I’m half expecting M to read this and order me to tell you the rest.  True to form, I’m pretending He wouldn’t do that.  Honestly, if He thinks it’s good for me, or He could have fun with it, He would.  But we’ll just keep pretending He wouldn’t, kay?

We went to bed around midnight, or so? We hadn’t done much of anything but sit on the couch for hours and talk about random shit and then watch a little television.  We crawled into bed and it took me all of ten minutes to fall asleep.  M was still awake.

“You’re falling asleep already, bitch?” He growled and I turned to blink at Him in the darkness.

“Yes, Master.  I’m exhausted. ”

“So you don’t want to get up to get beat?”

Again, I blinked at Him.  “Well, I mean, if it would please you, Master.”

“Get your ass in the living room, slut.  Don’t forget your collar and cuffs.”

I was sort of… stunned.  But I did as I was told.  I’ve long since forgotten the order of things.  So I’ll just talk about them as I think of them.

For a long time, He had me sat on the floor with my wrists locked together and my fingers in my pussy.  Just rubbing and touching my clit and lips.  Nothing major.  But eventually I got frustrated and asked Him to unlock them.  It’s really awkward playing with clamps with your wrists locked together and it was time for me to start playing with clamps.

I asked Him to put the tail in my ass, and He tried, but it was too much right off the bat, so we ended up waiting.  That was really embarrassing.  I had hoped a little lube was all we’d need for that toy, and, once upon a time, when He used to plug my ass regularly, that might have been true.  But apparently, that’s not true anymore.  My butt needs warm-up.  So, a few minutes after He tried the tail, I started trying to talk Him into one of our smaller toys.

He said, “Do you want your ass plugged?”

I started rambling something about wanting something in my ass, but being afraid it would hurt and, all firm, making it clear He wanted a yes or no, He said, “I will plug your ass with the smaller one if you want me to.  Do you want me to plug your ass?” 

“Yes, Master.” I whispered.  And He sent me off to find the Zing.

I asked to try the tail again, later.  I think that was after wax play, though.  The wax play was after the paddling.  Hey… my memory’s coming back! Lol.

He made me get on my hands and knees and watch whatever porn was on the television (That I definitely don’t remember.  We watched some random boring shit on clip sites and then gave in and started watching Sex and Submission stuff that we’ve already seen a bunch of times, but I can’t even begin to tell you when or what.) while He slowly slid the plug in my ass.  I think the bastard held it so the widest point was stretching my asshole a minute or two before pushing it the rest of the way in with his foot.  Oh. my. god.

I don’t know what’s more humiliating.  Having someone watch you push a piece of silicone into your own asshole or having to endure them pulling apart your butt cheeks and pushing it in themselves.  And, of course, He had to inspect my asshole first.  As if just having Him back there isn’t embarrassing enough.

I tried to sit down or something and He told me to get back to where I was.  He said He wanted to look at my plugged ass and cunt while He watched some bitch get fucked on TV.  And then He paddled me with the Rainbow Nights Paddle.  I was afraid to move too much.  I was afraid the Zing would shoot out of my ass if I did.  But it was so, so yummy.  I love that paddle.

The wax play was pretty phenomenal.  It’s been ages since He’s waxed me like that.  Like, years, at least.  I’ve really been missing it.

He’s always been extremely good at wax play.  He’s so patient! I am not.

He lets the candles sit and melt for a time while His bottom (who is always me, these days – I am so not complaining) lays in wait in excruciating anticipation.  He likes to blindfold me so I don’t know when it’s coming.  But this time, He had me lay on my back at His feet, put His foot on my face and held my face aimed away from Him.

That was weird.  He puts His feet on me, but He’s never put His foot on my face before.  I’ve been asking Him about it, but I always assumed since I know how all these domination techniques are supposed to work, they wouldn’t affect me the way they do most submissives.  I were wrong.

I laid there kind of bothered at first.  I mean, if I’ve ever lain prone at His feet like that before I don’t remember it.  And, like I said, He’s never put His foot on my face before.

The tips of His toes were resting just against where cheek meets nose and His arch was nestled nicely against my ear.  Perfect.  Like His feet were made for my face.  And that’s not the only body part of His that matches its counterpart on me perfectly.  And I don’t only mean His cock and my pussy, ya pervs.

And I kept thinking about how I belong to Him.  How even I’m brainwashing myself to believe it, with all these little, “Whoa! That fits perfectly together! We must belong together!” (as if there was ever a question) moments I’ve been having, lately.  I’m a goofy shit.

I felt controlled.  And beneath Him.  And comfortable.  And confused.  It’s always bizarre when your reaction to something is completely different from what you expected.

I was going to save another blog for this, but fuck it.  If it gets too long, I’ll break it into two parts or something.

He keeps asking me what I’m feeling.  What I’m thinking.  Not just when we’re playing.  All the time.  It’s really bizarre.  He doesn’t often ask me those things unless He thinks something’s wrong.  And He’s asking when it’s obvious nothing is bothering me.  When He’s trying to get inside my head and figure out how I react to things.

He’s trying to figure out what’s changed, how, and what He needs to do to herd me into the corner He wants me in.  But He’s taking a whole different direction from the ones He took before.  So, I’m peering into the darkness.  And He’s standing just at the edge beckoning me to Him.  And I’m running to Him, only when I get to where He was standing before, He’s deeper in the murky blackness and telling me to follow Him.  So I chase after Him again, only to see He’s even further inside.

Yesterday, I was having some serious allergy issues.  So, while I was in the shower, I was blowing my nose a lot.  He thought I was crying and came in to ask what was wrong.  He thought I was upset about Tuesday night.  It was so sweet.

Not that my being upset could, or should, change anything.  I mean, I’ve given Him the right to do whatever He wants to and with me, and what’s done is done.  But it was awesome that He was worried about my well-being like that.  Not that I’ve ever expected anything less from Him.

His constant asking of questions, though, is fucking with my head.  Through everything we do, He asks how I’m feeling, what I think of it, whether I’d like to do it again, if it’s a good thing.  What’s fucking with my head more, though, is His unwillingness to answer some of my questions to the depths He requires of me.  And that’s His prerogative as my owner.

And it’s so bizarre, to me, that the more I debase, degrade, dehumanize and abuse myself for Him, the more fiercely He loves me.  The happier He is to have me.  The closer we grow.  And the more protective of me He becomes.

I can very much see myself eventually becoming that defenseless little submissive woman they were recently bitching about on FetLife.  The more He isolates me and the deeper we delve into this way of life, the more vulnerable and raw I become.  And my desire to socialize wanes.

Where I would usually jump at the chance to have lunch with Him, and especially to go shopping for something for me, I actually turned down the offer today.  If I could beg out of going grocery shopping tonight, I would.  But at least I only have to ride the bus alone one way.

So while I laid there, He poured hot wax on my tits and stomach and inner thighs.  I was masturbating and watching some chick get banged on the television while He had His foot on my face and His hand on His cock.  And every so often, I’d feel the warmth dripping over my skin.  I never knew when it was coming.  His only tell is leaning forward.  And even then, it could still be an antsy wait before He dumps what wax He’s collected.

I don’t remember when I asked Him to let me trade to the tail.  I just remember thinking He was going to take the Zing out and being mortified.  But then He told me I could go take it out in privacy.  Lo and behold, there was no reason for my silliness.

He slid the tail in with no trouble this time and made me crawl around on the floor and bark.  He punched me on the way by once.  He kept putting His foot on the plug as I crawled by.

At some point, I found a really nice position sitting on the floor where just the slightest wiggle felt like I was fucking my ass in just that way that feels so. fucking. good.  And M came all over me while I wiggled on the plug.

The whole series of events between me crawling and Him cumming were… I won’t say out of character for me because it was all my idea.  But way more than I think either one of us ever expected from me.  Especially at my own suggestion.  And I’m really not ready to talk about it.

I’m not bothered by it or anything like that.  It’s just a little too much to be sharing with strangers right now.

I came with my fingers on my clit and Master’s foot between my legs manipulating the tail in my ass.  By the time I came, I was fucking His foot so hard with my ass, I’m surprised I didn’t snap His ankle.  And He informed me the next morning that I squirted all over His foot.  I didn’t even notice.

By skipping that section, I’m leaving out so much.  The flogging.  The knotty cat He hit me so hard with that it brought polka-dot welts rather than just polka-dot bruises.  The clothespins He beat off with the flogger.  The way I shook my ass at Him with that luxurious horse tail hanging down to my ankles.  Maybe another time.

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