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Cin asked about fear…

September 16th, 2009

cinnamon :

My question to you is, how do you feel about fear in an M/s relationship?

I fluctuate, sometimes, on how I feel about it, on the whole.

I mean, a lot of people will say, “If you’re afraid of your dominant, you’re being abused.” Matter of fact, I was told that very thing when I belonged to #submission on DALnet (IRC). Along with the, supposedly widely agreed upon, opinion that I was a sweet girl but I needed to get away from M. Lol.

I don’t buy into that BS. I mean, take Kaya and Carrie, for example. Fear makes them hot. Outwardly and inwardly. Like, I drool at the clips they share. Lol. They get off on it. It feeds them.

But me? I was raised to believe fear is weakness. So, I absolutely hate being afraid. Fear pisses me off and sends me into fight or flight. And when it comes to M, I can’t run anymore. So I fight. And I fight dirty.

Last time, I refused an order. More than once. I had a nice welt for that one for a while.

But I believe I should absolutely be afraid of the consequences of my actions. And if not afraid, then accepting at least.

I guess, in my mind, it’s not always a bad thing.  I mean, it’s a great tool to control someone with.  But… I’d rather willingly submit to someone because I respect him.  Not because he’s made me so afraid of him that I have no choice.

I know we’ve sort of discussed this here, before.  But what do you guys think?

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  1. cinnamon
    September 16th, 2009 at 18:23 | #1

    Okay, here are my feelings on fear. I love it! Well, I love being afraid in the same way Carrie and Kaya do.

    Put a clown or a cow in my path, and I’ll run through you if I have to. Ummmm……..I don’t like those things, and they fall under stupid phobias Cin has(there are more stupid phobias by the way).

    The more afraid I am, the more compliant I become. Now, I’m not saying fear should be my only motivation, because that would be very wrong, but it will definitely get my feet moving faster. When it comes to any relationship (M/s, vanilla, or otherwise), the type of fear you feel is key to whether it is ok or not.

    When you speak of fear, you have to remember there are different types of fear. Fear ranges from feeling cautious to extreme phobias. I think some fear is definitely healthy and most certainly necessary. Fear keeps us from doing stupid shit, lol. Sometimes fear keeps us from doing anything at all.

    In the context of M/s, if you are afraid your Master/Dominant will leave you, and that helps keep you compliant then it is healthy. Humans are programmed to be afraid to lose loved ones. If you accidently break a dish, and you are afraid you will be locked in a closet for 3 days so you try to hide the fact you did it, and/or lie about it to your Master, then it is unhealthy.

    The term “fear” covers so many areas in any relationship, that I think it probably takes examination on a situation by situation/person to person basis. Some people may not like the fear of not being able to breath or of knowing that someone is holding a loaded gun to their head, but I do. *shrug*

  2. September 16th, 2009 at 20:00 | #2

    I mean, it’s a great tool to control someone with. But… I’d rather willingly submit to someone because I respect him. Not because he’s made me so afraid of him that I have no choice.

    Yes. But for me, I will ONLY submit to someone because I respect them. If I’m only submitting to them out of fear, then this isn’t someone that I want to be with, anyway. I submit to someone because I respect them and I trust them not to “hurt” me; not because I’m afraid that if I don’t, they will.

  3. September 17th, 2009 at 07:12 | #3

    @Britni TheVadgeWig I used to say that, too. But for me, it ceased being true the day I admitted that I never wanted to be unowned and if Master didn’t want me anymore, I wanted Him to find someone who did, rather than just releasing me.

    Somewhere along the line, for me, it ceased being about whether or not I respect who I’m submitting to and became about who He told me to submit to. And occasionally, He makes me submit to people He doesn’t even respect. But I don’t, for a minute, expect anyone to agree with our way. I know it’s a little too much for some.

  4. September 17th, 2009 at 15:30 | #4

    cinnamon :

    The term “fear” covers so many areas in any relationship, that I think it probably takes examination on a situation by situation/person to person basis.

    You’re probably right, there.

    I dunno. I mean, I fear being in trouble. I fear punishment most of the time. But the biggest kicker for me, the biggest deterrent is His disappointment. I cannot stand the words “I’m disappointed in you.”

    Being afraid makes me feel like I have a reason to disobey. That whole fight or flight thing. But I know plenty of people who want to obey because they have to or x, y and z (all very scary things) will happen to them. I just don’t happen to be one of them.

    I prefer to obey because it’s the right thing to do. What He expects of me.

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