Abuse v. SM Pamphlet from Leather Archives and Museum

I have a hard time, sometimes, writing for Eden Cafe.  Not because I don’t like to.  On the contrary.  I’m really grateful for the opportunity.  But writing for Eden Cafe is a little more difficult than writing here.

There, I can’t just say whatever I want to.  I have to tiptoe around the scary parts.  I have to be confident and concise in my explanations.  There should be a point to everything I say.  I can’t just ramble on like I usually do here.  And I can’t, for one second, talk about the days where I’d just as soon crawl under a rock and die as obey for one more second.  Usually over something stupid, like not wanting to wash dishes.

I can almost guarantee the complaints after a post like that would get me shut down in the blink of an eye.

Because to a lot of people, there is no such thing as consensual non-consent.  There is a fine line I have to walk to make sure these people – some of whom haven’t even heard of a true-to-life M/s couple that wasn’t a prostitution ring – leave with a better understanding of how we live.  A more positive outlook on the choice we’ve made.  And not an image of a downtrodden doormat who has no way out.

The other day, I was thinking about my reasoning for writing over at Eden Cafe.  A deeper reason than the sex toys, I mean.  What I’m hoping to accomplish.  The thought process behind my asking Master if He minded, and then applying.  And anyway, when I applied I was already getting sex toys in the mail.

I don’t usually throw my hat in the ring like that.  I sit back and hope someone will notice me and offer me what I want.  It ties into that whole lack of self-confidence thing.  I think I’m boring.  I assume everyone else thinks I’m boring.  And I’m genuinely surprised when I find out that someone, anyone thinks I’m interesting.

So there has to be a motivating factor.  Especially since I would be posting about such a controversial subject.  And M/s is still a controversial subject.

The site appears to have a bit of vanilla contributors who maybe, if you catch them in the right mood, on a day where the weather is perfect, might enjoy having their wrists tied with a silk scarf and their hind quarters spanked with a furry paddle if they had the opportunity to try it.  But what we do is way over the top for them.  If I ran into them on the street and told them who I was, some of them would probably try to tell me I’m abused.

You think we don’t know what some vanilla folks think of us? We watch The Practice and CSI and Law and Order, too.  We read the news.  We see places like the bed and breakfast nearby get shut down because people don’t “get it” (or because some of the players acted like buffoons – three sides to every story). 

Kinksters must be some fucked up individuals, right? On TV, we’re rapists and murderers.  We’re pedophiles who kidnap teenagers and lock them in basements until they escape or we get bored.  We do deviant things in the bedroom so we must be social deviants.

No one would ever want to live in service to someone else. Who in their right mind would enjoy being ordered around? And the sadism and humiliation I allow myself to be subjected to? What on Earth is wrong with me?

I should be saved from myself.  Right?

I won’t deny that there are abusive situations within the community.  That would just be silly.  There are abusive situations in every community.  In every culture, neighborhood and community there are reports of abuse.  There is no rhyme or reason to why some people are abusers and others are not.

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The difference is, we BDSMers make it known that we enjoy abuse.

We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on whips and canes and paddles and chains.  We buy masks to prevent our partners from seeing who is abusing them.  We buy restraints so they can’t get away.  We buy gags so no one can hear them scream.

Or is it just because we like the way it stretches their lips? Those beautiful crimson lips…

And we draw attention to that by forcing the public to deal with our clubs and events and get-togethers.  Some of us put it in their faces all the time with our dress, or lack thereof, or leashes or restraints.  Some of us BDSMers are the PETA of the sex-positive world.

And don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying we don’t deserve equal treatment or have the right to not have to worry about jail because of how we live or whatever.  And please, please, please don’t shut down the clubs or events or get-togethers.  I’m hoping like hell we’ll get to one soon! I’m our biggest advocate.  Believe me.

I’m really not sure how I’d survive, at this point, if the wrong person found out about our lifestyle and managed to get M and I forcibly separated.  I’m so used to someone micromanaging my day.  I’d forget to eat.  I’d never do anything but sit on the bed.

But there are a million and one better ways to handle these things.  Just as the way PETA puts forth their message is the reason I hate them, the way some of us BDSMers put forth ours is the reason vanilla people who are against it will never listen to us.

Somewhere mixed in the first set of links Master gave me when He told me to research this life was a trail to a foundation or something (See how worried I was about being abused?) for abused submissives.  I think, to be honest, it might have been aimed at abused submissive women.  I could be wrong.  It was 2002.

Since then, I’ve seen blogathons and organizations within the community for both helping abuse victims and preventing abuse.  When I started writing about my reason for writing at Eden Cafe, I decided to research the numbers.  See if there were any statistics on abusive relationships in which the couple is/was involved somehow in kink.

It would make for an interesting study.  Considering there are a lot more vanilla people than kinksters, you’d think the numbers would sway toward there being more abusers outside the BDSM community.

I didn’t find much.  But I did find a bunch more information on abuse within the BDSM community.  Information on how to recognize it, how to approach someone you think might be being abused, how to report it, how to prevent it… Nothing I’ve seen or heard thus far has even come close to promoting it.

The BDSM community does not condone, encourage or facilitate abuse.  They recognize that some people enjoy controlling others and others enjoy being controlled.  They open their arms to people who crave being hurt and people craving to do harm.  They provide a controlled setting for those wanting to be humiliated and those wanting to humiliate.  But the key in all those things is consent.

And therein lies the reason I wanted to write for Eden Cafe.  Why I stress over each article so much.  Why I’m careful to word things as simply as possible.  To avoid going too deep into just how much of a sadist He is and how tight of leash I wear.

Sure, they can come here and see it.  But then they’re taking it upon themselves to do so.  They’ve been warned, so to speak.

I am trying to portray M/s in as positive a light as possible.  I’m not lying.  Matter of fact, one of my posts was specifically about slavery not being perfect.  But I am saving the scary parts for when they’re hooked.  For when they’ve gotten so involved in my story, they can’t look away.  For when there is no denying that I am absolutely enthralled with my station in life.  For when there’s no mistaking I am not abused.

I want people to know that we’re not all crazy.  I mean, I am.  There is no denying I am off the wall crazy.  But I’m not CSI crazy.  I’m not killing anyone and covering it up with BDSM.

I thought Eden Cafe would be the perfect venue to start a conversation with the vanilla public.  I mean, of course a lot of the people there are already involved with the movement for a sex-positive culture in some way, shape or form.

NLA Pamphlet: Abuse v. SM

But some of the people there are as vanilla as they come.  They’re just there for the toys.  And those are the ones I’m hoping to reach.

So while the sex toys are good, I do have altruistic intentions.  If I reach just one person and change their mind about people who live like me, I’ve succeeded.  Bonus if I get one to start defending people who live like me and our right to live the way we choose.  And even better if I help a couple or two figure out that their interest in kink isn’t bad or wrong.  If I spice up someone’s love life.

• Evidence that the BDSM community does not enable abuse by Clarisse Thorn
• Domestic Violence in the S/M Community by Jan Hall (via Pandora’s Project)
• Why BDSM Relationships Are Not Abuse by Raven Shadowborne (via Leather N Roses)
• SM vs. Abuse by Jay Wiseman (excerpted from SM 101: A Realistic Introduction)