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A Day Full of Firsts

September 9th, 2009

ep39Yesterday:

Today was ridiculously hot.  Ridiculously.  And from what I understand, it’s not over yet.  Cause Master has a raging hard-on that just won’t quit.  And I’m going to try to offer you more than the bird’s eye view of what went on.  More than my viewers got as it was happening.

What happened?

Master set up the webcam this morning and sent me off to the shower.  Once I’d air-dried enough, He told me to kneel in front of the camera and put on my collar and cuffs.  He was specific.

“Kneel with your legs spread and put your collar and cuffs on.”

He’d already told me I wouldn’t know who was watching or when.  That freaked me out, enough.  I’ve never knowingly been put in that position.

“That freaked me out.”  I say that a lot.  It’s not a fair description.  Cause it could mean so many different things.

I was nervous.  Embarrassed.  Worried about my naked body being on display for strangers.  A still is one thing.  But a live feed of all my jiggly bits bouncing all around? ~shudder~

It wasn’t long before Master was on Twitter announcing that He’d be allowing people to watch me do dirty things to myself.  And MasterKKT and Cin leaped at the opportunity as well as a couple others.

Freaked out? Yeah, that’s an understatement.  Cause Master had already mentioned making me plug my ass in front of the webcam.  And not even the normal plug.  The tail.  Which is all sorts of ouchy when I put it in myself and all sorts of embarrassing no matter who does it.

He made me clamp my nipples with the very same bell clamps I used to brand my tits while kneeling before the webcam with my legs spread.  And then, when He’d decided my nipples deserved a break, He sent me to the cam to take them off.  Oh… and to demonstrate how the cuffs I wear are lockable for Cin. 

Earlier this week, we watched a Sex and Submission video with this beautiful, busty blond (Whose boobs I didn’t like… Sorry, darlin. I’m picky.) who said she was usually dominant in the bedroom.  Adamantly declared, when asked, that she was dominant.  And you could visibly see her shaking herself off.  Reminding herself that it was only play acting.  She was not really this thing she was pretending to be.

I kept doing that off camera.

Pfft! The tail.  Yeah, right.  Master’s never made me plug my ass on cam for anyone but Him.  Not even with the little one.  And He knows how I feel about the tail.  He’d never do it.  Not in a million years.

I didn’t even prepare myself for it.  Not even for a millisecond.  So when He said, “Go get the Sliquid, the tail and a vibe.”  my heart skipped a beat.

Nah.  He wouldn’t.  He just wouldn’t!

And then, He did.

“Get on your knees with your ass facing the cam and lube up the tail.  Don’t just push it in.  Play with it some.  Then crawl around on the floor a bit with it in and your ass in the air so it’s visible.  When you’re done with that, get the vibe and fuck yourself till you cum with your pussy pointed at the camera.”

~blink~

That’s not a “maybe” or “I might make you…”  That’s a flat out order.  An order to plug my ass.  On cam.  Then fuck myself.  On cam.  Then cum.  On cam.  While other people are watching.  On cam.

I almost hurled.  I thought about what He’d do if I said no.  How He’d react if I sat my ass back in that chair, started crying and begging, and tried to convince Him to turn off the cam.  Or at least take access away from the people watching.

And then I realized that was just the nerves talking.  I want to do this.  To be put on display while I exhibit how much of a whore I am.  To be one more person to put the lie to “A woman would never want this.”  And I did what I was told.

As much as I’d like to say I thought about all those people watching me and got turned on because of it, once I was trying to work the tail in my ass without splitting myself open, I had forgotten I was being watched.  The only thing on my mind was pleasing my owner.

I kept expecting to look up at my computer screen and see commentary from Master, but there was none.  I assumed this meant I was doing a good job and got back to what I was doing.  But I kept looking up to make sure I wasn’t forgetting something.

The hardest part was being here alone.  Not being able to look at His face and see His pleasure.  Not being able to curl up in His arms afterward and feel sheltered.

And I almost cried when I came.  Almost.  I bit back the tears because I didn’t want anyone to read more into it than was there.

The humiliation of cumming for strangers after spending my entire sexual career not allowing myself to cum for anyone was a lot to handle alone.

Today:

I’m actually kind of dropping.  Which is weird.  Humiliation play involving others is a difficult step for me.  But I’m in a much better place than I was six years ago when Master shared me with the neighbor.

Back then, I was devastated.  How incredibly turned on I was by the whole thing made me feel the bad kind of disgusting and dirty.  And while I hated that feeling, it turned me on.  And that confused me and made me angry.  And that turned me on more.  And… It’s a vicious cycle.

We did a LOT of talking yesterday.  I think it was partly His way of “being there” for me since He couldn’t be there physically.

How happy it made Him to see me obey without faltering (Cause that’s what it looked like on cam.  It looked like I never missed a beat.  Ah, the joys of not having every inch of our apartment filmed.) has me ready to do it all again.  To chance a harder drop.  To push myself further.

I’m still scared.  It’s like the compliments I received have all flown out of my head and I’m doing it for the first time all over again.  But His pleasure… That look on His face when He actually feels pride for what He owns… I haven’t quite found the edges of where I’ll go to see that look.

As we were climbing in bed, He told me to lick His back.  So I did.  And all I could think about was how comfortable I felt back in my place.  How amazing it was to just be pleasing and obedient for a while.

And then He laid down and told me to suck His cock.  And I did.  Like a Hoover.

While I was sucking His cock, all I thought about was what I am going to become if He has His way.  And I started wondering what was wrong with me.

And then He grabbed the back of my head and started fucking my face and I slipped effortlessly into that place where nothing matters but pleasing Him.  That place where I am happiest.  Where all the voices in my head shut. the fuck. up and the only thing that exists is my struggle for His happiness.

Why can’t I always be there?

And that’s the thing.  He wants to take me there.  Because for a while, I was there all the time.  And then we both just… quit.  I’m sure it was cause and effect.  But it’s one of those chicken and egg things.  Which came first? And does it matter? Really?

I’m scared.  Petrified.  But it’s another of those things.

You’re walking along in a semi-dangerous part of town that you know well and see a dark alley you’ve never noticed before.  You know all the dangers of walking down it, but you’re curious.  Curious and excited to prove to yourself that you’ll be okay on the other side.

So you turn down it.  And your heart leaps into your chest and you back out.

But you stop.  And you look down that dark alley again.  And this time, there’s a light on at the other end.  A light means hope, right? So you turn down it again.  Keeping your eyes on that light.

Something grabs at your ankle and you falter.  Your eyes turn away from the light.  To where you turned in.  And you want to run back but the light’s closer and there are hands around your waist.

Terror and nervousness and excitement all boil into one because, secretly, this is what you were looking for.

My pussy’s getting wet just writing that.

And that’s how it is.  I get a peek into the darkness.  And I’m drawn to the depraved beauty on the other side.  But all the broken bottles and shredded lingerie and leering faces and dirty needles creep me the fuck out.  But I want to be on the other side.  So I try to focus on the other side.  But shit keeps grabbing at my feet trying to trip me up.

And then I see that some of the scary shit in the alley is in the place I’m traveling to.  And I start to wonder if I’ll be used to it or okay with it by then.  And I wonder what happens if I’m not.  Because by then it’ll be too late.

Always wondering “What if…”

I need to get back to that place.  If only for my own sanity.

I’m having a lot of fun.  I know if I can get myself back where I belong, I will absolutely be happy.  It’s just all the scary stuff along the way that’s freaking me out.

He’s planning more later today, maybe.  There’s a possibility He’ll start offering appointments in the future.  Click that “Contact Melen” button up there if you’re interested.

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