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Archive for September, 2009

“Master Philosophy” and Cornering Myself

September 29th, 2009 9 comments

FraidyCatGah.  I eventually apologize to everyone.  Even when I wasn’t wrong.  It’s pathetic.  Cin’s not letting me do it this time.  Thanks, Cin.

Anyway…

I’m clumsy.  And spacey.  And I was born blond.  Common sense? Yeah, it’s not always my forte.

So neither of us was too incredibly surprised when I dumped the entire single-pot bag of coffee into our freshly cleaned coffee maker this morning.  What’s wrong with that, you ask? Our coffee maker doesn’t need an entire single-pot bag of coffee when it’s freshly cleaned.  It only needs, probably, 2/3 – 3/4 of the bag.

True to form, Master felt the need to lecture me as He does every time I make a mistake, spill something, trip or run into something. Read more…

As luck would have it, I’m the luckiest slave alive.

September 26th, 2009 2 comments

One of the subjects you most often see discussed on kink blogs and forums is how hard it is to deal with certain parts of whatever life the author has chosen.  Things they could definitely do without.  And I’m no different.  I talk about the hard parts a lot.

I sometimes leave out the things that are really difficult for me.  I don’t even make clear just how hard they are to Master.  Because I feel like telling Him “I wish you’d do this more.” is enough.  He doesn’t need to know how badly I want it to make His decision.  All He needs to know is that I want it.  So making clear how badly I want it feels like manipulation to me.

I’m probably totally off base, though.  I usually am.

I’ve always been an affectionate slut with an oral fixation.  I’ve never been completely disheartened by my partners not wanting to go down on me.  I’m ridiculously self-conscious about my nether regions.  That I let them put their cocks in me was more than they had any right to expect from me.  And I can count on one hand the number of men (out of over thirty) who had a problem with that.  Because I tend to seek out the controlling, self-centered, selfish type.

But I love to feel hot hands and wet mouths and soft tongues all over my skin just as much as the next person.

Master loves to touch but He doesn’t have much of an oral fixation.  Matter of fact, it could be accurately described as nonexistent.  Add to His lack of interest the fact that I tend to piss Him off a LOT, and His belief that putting your mouth on someone is, in some respects, a submissive act (service, if you will), and you can probably guess how many times I’ve laid on the bed while He ravaged my body with His mouth.

For a while, that hurt.  And I think it added to my interest in putting my mouth on Him rapidly decreasing in the beginning of our relationship.  It’s only just recently started to get better.  I’m very much in the habit of “punishing” my partner for not fulfilling my needs.  So if you’re not gonna put your mouth on me, why the fuck should I put my mouth on you? Sans orders, that is.   Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags:

SJP#466 – Tolerance

September 24th, 2009 2 comments

ScuttleTwooSubmissiveHow tolerant are you of others who live in a lifestyle that would not suit you and who live in such a way it does not affect you? Do you consider yourself open minded? How do you react when others judge your lifestyle as fantasy?

I used to be, probably, one of the most intolerant people in the community.  Going through my old blogs to edit often leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.  It takes an extreme amount of self control not to go through and delete the posts I’ve written that sound like Scuttle from The Little Mermaid.  All “This is this and that is that and…”  Blargh.

How annoying.

I don’t remember who pointed out that I was a silly “one-twoo-wayist”.  But it was on bondage.com, which I actually haven’t been on in ages.  Actually… it might have been Wolfspet and Pinkwind, now that I think about it.  Both lovely ladies I love to pieces and don’t bother nearly enough.  I fail at friendship if you’re not on one of my IM buddy lists.  Lame, I know.

I went back through all my blog entries and forum posts and… Stopped talking everywhere.  Bondage, IRC, SlaveFarm… I started ignoring most of my buddy lists and stopped responding to email.  I basically took a giant step back and decided to reevaluate who I was and who I wanted to be.

I still get preachy.  There is absolutely a one true way for Master and I.  No other way will work.  And we still haven’t figured it all out.  I try to be more open about the fact that this is what works for us and it doesn’t always work for other people.  But the reality of it is ours is the only way for us and anyone wishing to be in a relationship with us.

I have my idea of a perfect world.  It consists of philosophies similar to the Gor novels, albeit much more modern and realistic.  And that’s where fantasy comes in.

I do consider myself open minded.  Almost to a fault.  If your argument is even remotely convincing, I’m likely to be swayed.  Heaven forbid I get caught in the middle of two ridiculously good debaters on a subject I know nothing about.  I’m sure my brain would explode.

It gets me in trouble sometimes.  And I kick myself because half the time I don’t even believe in the shit I stand up for.  I’m just playing devil’s advocate.  And I don’t say so, so M thinks I’m discounting the way we live in favor of someone else’s view of the world.

We’re getting better with that, though, because yesterday we were discussing something that was in the news and M said (And, obviously, I’m paraphrasing.), “Well, it should be fine if they do a, b and c.  It’s their life.”  And then He went on to say, “I mean, obviously, that’s not how we’d do it.  But they’re adults.  They can do it however they want.”  And I wrote it down in my mental “Things Master Says” folder in case I need it later on.

I get really frustrated when I hear anyone tell anyone the way they want to live – or are living – is “just fantasy”, or cannot be attained.  It’s like: Way to go asshole.  You just burst someone else’s bubble.  Hope it made your day.  Buzz kill.

Cause, I mean, who knows, really?

I firmly believe in “Live and let live.”  And I wholeheartedly believe that humans are not capable of knowing the absolute right way to live.  I think if we were, we would.  But I still guess at it just like everyone else.  And I hope, in the end, I get where I’m going and find out that my correct guesses far outweighed my incorrect ones.  But if not, at least I’m having a ball trying.  That’s probably the sports lover in me.

So what about you? How tolerant are you?

prompt found at SubmissiveGuide

Categories: SJPs Tags:

Cin Started It! – Mental Health

September 23rd, 2009 3 comments

sexycrazyJust a forewarning, I’m done tiptoeing around this topic. I’m letting it all hang out. And I’m not even gonna apologize if I offend anyone! I know…I’m a rebel!

My first thought when I read Cin’s post on mental health was, “Wait… You’re cheating on me?” And then she explained that I’m a moron for thinking for a second that she’d cheat on me and I felt about an inch tall.

Then I started thinking about all the things wrong with the way mental health issues are perceived. Especially in the online “BDSM community”.

First, it’s not just us kinksters blaming all our woes on our mental issues. M’s oldest daughter nonstop blames all the fucked up shit she does (and she does some pretty fucked up shit) on her mental illnesses (that we’re not 100% sure she has cause we’ve spoken to her therapists who aren’t 100% sure she’s not faking it for attention). And she’s not, by any means, the only one.

But we, as a country and as a society, foster this behavior. We find out someone’s been wronged in some way and we immediately start in with, “oh my god. I’m so sorry! Is there anything I can do for you?” and, “She can’t help it. X, Y and Z happened to her!” and, “You should be nice to him. He had to deal with blahzayblah growing up.” It’s become cool and hip to have a mental illness or be a victim. And it certainly wins a person more attention and, occasionally, lots of dough.

Let’s back up a bit, shall we?

When I talk about my mental illnesses, I’m often making fun of them. Usually, I call my vast array of diagnoses “diagnonsense”. You’ll occasionally hear me call therapy “they-rape-me” and a therapist “the rapist”. I don’t hold the mental health profession in the highest regard because I’m walking, talking proof that they seriously don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.  Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags:

BBW Submission

September 21st, 2009 7 comments

bbw33This probably won’t make me very popular.  As it is, I sort of feel like I’m turning on my own kind.  I shouldn’t.  It’s not “us vs. them” and I’m not saying anything insulting.  But that’s how I feel.

I am a beautiful woman.  I don’t always think so, but a lot of other people do.  It’s difficult to deny that when people are constantly telling me.  And I’m big. 230lbs of big.  So I guess, technically, that puts me in the BBW category.

So…  I’ve bounced back and forth between belonging to the group BBW Submission probably for as long as I’ve been on FetLife.  My original thought was, “Huh.  Well… obviously there must be enough different about submitting as a BBW that we need our own group.  I don’t know what it is, but I guess I’ll go find out.”  and I joined.

But the more I look around, the more it seems to be a support group for big women.  Which is fine.  Anyone who knows me knows I’ve got some pretty serious self esteem issues.  So I can see how having a support group for us fatties would be an excellent tool.

But why call it “BBW Submission” if it’s more like a BBW support group?

While I understand there are things some of us big women just can’t do, I really don’t see our submission as being all that different from skinny women.  I just… don’t.

Like I said, I’m 230lbs of big.  And I kneel and squat and bend and scrape just as much as, if not more than, most skinny submissives.  I crawl around on the floor and get bent into a pretzel during sex.  If we had the equipment and ceiling for it, I’d probably be suspended quite frequently.

I don’t really have a problem buying collars or cuffs that fit me.  Matter of fact, I have rather small wrists and ankles for being as big as I am.  And there’s certainly nothing about what’s required of me that would be different (easier or harder) if I were smaller.

Sure, my knees would probably hurt less after a night of kneeling (Maybe… Part of the pain in my knees is from arthritis developed from old softball injuries).  It would take longer for my feet to fall asleep.  I’d probably be more comfortable in some of the crazy positions M likes to beat me in.

But those things are physical and, from where I sit, have absolutely nothing to do with my submission.

Maybe it’s because submission is so mental for me? Maybe it’s because when I think of submission, the physical stuff – the sex and SM and such – is an afterthought?

I mean, sure! Sometimes I’m made to submit to sexual acts/positions and SM that I’m not particularly fond of.  But even that is mental torment more than physical.  I mean, physically it makes me so effing hot hiding it’s impossible.  Mentally is where it gets to me.  My mental being is what I have to prepare.

I dunno.  I guess the nonsense exclusivity is getting to me.  Why can’t we all just hang out together, act like adults and get along? ~sigh~

Categories: Rayne Tags:

Product Review: Lust for Love Edible Massage Oil by Lust Cosmetics

September 20th, 2009 Comments off

lustmassageoilflavorsRemember a while back when I won that giveaway held by DominaDoll and Lust Cosmetics? I still haven’t gotten around to trying the product again so I can review it.  I’m going to have to do that soon.

But! Lust Cosmetics sent me some of their other products to try.  Among them are three of the four flavors they carry of Lust for Love Edible Massage Oil.  They sent me Wanton Watermelon, Hot Caramel Craving and Creamcicle (It also comes in Cherried Treasure).  And oh. my. god, do they taste good.

Can I just say that again before I dive into my review? They taste phenomenal.

Lust for Love Edible Massage Oil comes in a white and silver 1.01oz (30ml) bottle sporting a label matching the flavor (green for watermelon, orange for creamcicle and a creamy beige for caramel) with the company’s pretty lady in red lingerie.  It has a pump top that dispenses the perfect amount in three quick pumps, which is so much less wasteful and easier to use than the pour top on other brands.  The pump is protected by a clear snap-on top (think mousse lid) and it was all wrapped up in shrink wrap with a perforated strip for shipping.

It’s not actually an oil.  On the label, the ingredients are listed as: Read more…