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I iz the Kick-assest Intarwebz Slave Evar! Muahahaha

August 12th, 2009

LOLCatSecksehGeluzCin said something to me yesterday when I was telling her how much of an asshole I am and, thinking about it this morning, I had to laugh.  Not because it was funny or anything but… Well, you’ll see.

She said to me, “A lot of M/s relationships have the facade of being all about the master, but, in most cases, they’re really not.  With Melen and you, though, it is.”

Yesterday, it didn’t even register.  The only thought in my head was, “But isn’t it supposed to be that way?” And the answer, of course, is yes.  In my relationship, I am absolutely supposed to be a martyr.  I’m supposed to worry about only what pleases Him.  If my needs get met in the process, great! But if they don’t? That’s just tough shit.

And it is that way.  Most of the time.

I mean, sure, Master usually gives me what I want when He can.  But He doesn’t only give me what I want because I want it.  I often get told no when I ask for things I want that He doesn’t think I should have.  And that’s the biggest factor.  Whether or not He wants me to have it.  Most of the time, my happiness pleases Him.  But sometimes, it clashes with what will make Him happy, and then I’m denied.

Six years ago? Hell, three years ago – especially when we were involved in the Gor channels – if someone would have said that to me, I’d have been all, “I gno! I iz teh kick-assest intarwebz slave evar! Worship my feet, imbecile!” Or something.

Because back then? Back then I was dying for someone, anyone, to recognize the sacrifices I make to be enslaved to this man.  To recognize my uber slave skillz.  Because He just didn’t.  Openly, anyway.  

He rarely praised me to my face or told me He was proud.  He rarely, if ever, admitted, to me, that being owned by Him was hard as hell.  And He didn’t feel the need.  He still doesn’t most of the time.  But He’s realized that I need that “Attagirl!” occasionally to know where I stand.  And when I deserve it, He gives it to me.

Derailed for a moment: Apparently, it’s weird to walk your husband to the bus stop.  The people across the street stared at me like I’d just sprouted a second head right there before their very eyes.  Okay… back to your irregularly scheduled Rayne post.

Him not praising me sent me on a wild goose chase to find someone who would.  Cause, you know, heaven forbid I just accept my master’s way of doing things.  I’d go on and on in IRC channels, on forums, and where ever anyone would listen about all the reasons I was the kick-assest intarwebz slave evar.  Until we got to Gor.

In the Gor channels, I was afraid to even speak.  Mostly because, in the Kaverns, the only slaves who weren’t reprimanded for being outgoing and silly were the channel owners’ slaves.  The rest of us were treated like dirt.  I hear that’s how it usually was in the Gor channels.

So I would study the channel owners’ slaves.  I’d spend days at a time riveted to my monitor, watching their every move.  I’d save their serves and read them over and over.  And then I’d make sure to one-up them at every turn.  Until one day, the only thing keeping me from being the kick-assest intarwebz slave evar was the fact that I was restricted.

But at home? In real life? I was slacking.  Bad.

I’m not sure what the moral of my story is, except to say that what you do, what you say on the internet means nothing.  It’s what you do in real life that matters.  And I guess I’m just done caring how the intarwebz views me.  Cause it didn’t even occur to me to be happy that someone had noticed the sacrifices I make.

I am absolutely supposed to be a martyr.  I am absolutely supposed to let my wants and needs fall by the wayside in favor of making sure His wants and needs are met.  And I am absolutely going to start trying my damnedest to make sure I do.  Because I’ve come to the realization that when His wants and needs are met, mine usually are, too.  And when they’re not? It’s because He doesn’t want them to be.  And that’s the prerogative I gave Him.

I love you, Master.  I’m sorry I scare you so often.  I will redouble my efforts to be the slave you deserve.  And that’s the toasted toads truth.

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  1. Joji
    August 12th, 2009 at 12:08 | #1

    Aww Rayne I love this post. And personally I think you’re a kick ass slave off the interwebs. I love reading your blog.

  2. August 12th, 2009 at 12:38 | #2

    @Joji Thanks, Joji 🙂 Glad you poked your head in to comment.

  3. August 12th, 2009 at 13:35 | #3

    Yeah, the internet can definitely fuck up the fantasy side of all this. People get too carried away with the la-la-land of online D/s room and forums, etc. Where everyone competes on how “real” they are in an unreal world. Which is an okay place to be in if you’re aware you’re in fantasyland and it’s not reality. Nothing wrong with fantasy, I enjoy it too.

    But trying to emulate exactly what we see online is a mistake. It can’t be done to that level in reality.

    I’ve seen so many people ruin their dynamic by trying to do just that. I’m glad you got out of that world. 🙂

  4. August 12th, 2009 at 13:46 | #4

    Rayne,

    I worry sometimes that people will try to emulate and copy the things I put in my BDSM stories, especially since they were written (ad still are so far) from the perspective of ZERO personal experience in them. That’s the ultimate crossing of fantasy and reality, it seems. I hope I ca be half as grounded in reality when I find the submissive I was meant for (and who was meant for me) as you seem to be now; and that I’ll remember that what I write now, may have nothing to do with reality.

    Dave

  5. August 13th, 2009 at 17:41 | #5

    @Amber “Where everyone competes on how “real” they are in an unreal world.”

    That’s exactly it in Gorean chatrooms. At least, from my perspective. It’s sucky. I mean, a little competition is a good thing. But those girls took it to insane levels that I was not prepared for. Backstabbing and backbiting and just your normal every day bull shit.

    @dweaver999 The way I look at that, that’s their problem (someone emulating your erotica). Especially if they don’t do their own research and find out if what you wrote about is safe. Stupid should hurt.
    .-= rayne´s last blog ..Weird News (AKA Poly Proposal) =-.

  6. Joji
    August 19th, 2009 at 15:17 | #6

    I somewhat fluctuate btwn this, i found when i first joined fet, it being my real only link to community so to speak I kept measuring up my slavery to the hard core girls on there, as time progresses i find i care less and less what people think. I’m happy. Masters happy. Thats all I care about.

  7. August 19th, 2009 at 16:06 | #7

    @Joji One of the things I’m steadily learning as Master and I head down the road of retraining and reconnecting is:

    If I continue to compare our relationship with everyone else’s, my relationship will always come up lacking. Be it because Master will never nail my boobs to a board or because I’ll never throw an ashtray at His head or because, if I want to live, I’ll never know what it feels like to fight back. In some way, we will not have what everyone else has.

    I realized I have to be okay with that. Because it doesn’t matter if I’m with Master or my ex or some random person off the street. All relationships are different. You can never truly have what someone else has. That’s life.
    .-= rayne´s last blog ..SJP#358 – Choices =-.

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