Cin said something to me yesterday when I was telling her how much of an asshole I am and, thinking about it this morning, I had to laugh.  Not because it was funny or anything but… Well, you’ll see.

She said to me, “A lot of M/s relationships have the facade of being all about the master, but, in most cases, they’re really not.  With Melen and you, though, it is.”

Yesterday, it didn’t even register.  The only thought in my head was, “But isn’t it supposed to be that way?” And the answer, of course, is yes.  In my relationship, I am absolutely supposed to be a martyr.  I’m supposed to worry about only what pleases Him.  If my needs get met in the process, great! But if they don’t? That’s just tough shit.

And it is that way.  Most of the time.

I mean, sure, Master usually gives me what I want when He can.  But He doesn’t only give me what I want because I want it.  I often get told no when I ask for things I want that He doesn’t think I should have.  And that’s the biggest factor.  Whether or not He wants me to have it.  Most of the time, my happiness pleases Him.  But sometimes, it clashes with what will make Him happy, and then I’m denied.

Six years ago? Hell, three years ago – especially when we were involved in the Gor channels – if someone would have said that to me, I’d have been all, “I gno! I iz teh kick-assest intarwebz slave evar! Worship my feet, imbecile!” Or something.

Because back then? Back then I was dying for someone, anyone, to recognize the sacrifices I make to be enslaved to this man.  To recognize my uber slave skillz.  Because He just didn’t.  Openly, anyway.  

He rarely praised me to my face or told me He was proud.  He rarely, if ever, admitted, to me, that being owned by Him was hard as hell.  And He didn’t feel the need.  He still doesn’t most of the time.  But He’s realized that I need that “Attagirl!” occasionally to know where I stand.  And when I deserve it, He gives it to me.

Derailed for a moment: Apparently, it’s weird to walk your husband to the bus stop.  The people across the street stared at me like I’d just sprouted a second head right there before their very eyes.  Okay… back to your irregularly scheduled Rayne post.

Him not praising me sent me on a wild goose chase to find someone who would.  Cause, you know, heaven forbid I just accept my master’s way of doing things.  I’d go on and on in IRC channels, on forums, and where ever anyone would listen about all the reasons I was the kick-assest intarwebz slave evar.  Until we got to Gor.

In the Gor channels, I was afraid to even speak.  Mostly because, in the Kaverns, the only slaves who weren’t reprimanded for being outgoing and silly were the channel owners’ slaves.  The rest of us were treated like dirt.  I hear that’s how it usually was in the Gor channels.

So I would study the channel owners’ slaves.  I’d spend days at a time riveted to my monitor, watching their every move.  I’d save their serves and read them over and over.  And then I’d make sure to one-up them at every turn.  Until one day, the only thing keeping me from being the kick-assest intarwebz slave evar was the fact that I was restricted.

But at home? In real life? I was slacking.  Bad.

I’m not sure what the moral of my story is, except to say that what you do, what you say on the internet means nothing.  It’s what you do in real life that matters.  And I guess I’m just done caring how the intarwebz views me.  Cause it didn’t even occur to me to be happy that someone had noticed the sacrifices I make.

I am absolutely supposed to be a martyr.  I am absolutely supposed to let my wants and needs fall by the wayside in favor of making sure His wants and needs are met.  And I am absolutely going to start trying my damnedest to make sure I do.  Because I’ve come to the realization that when His wants and needs are met, mine usually are, too.  And when they’re not? It’s because He doesn’t want them to be.  And that’s the prerogative I gave Him.

I love you, Master.  I’m sorry I scare you so often.  I will redouble my efforts to be the slave you deserve.  And that’s the toasted toads truth.