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Training is Painful

July 30th, 2009

“Training is painful.”  He said, as I sat and stared at the floor.

I blinked back the tears that were freely flowing before He got home and lifted my head.  I remember those words.

Seven years ago He said them.  Stole a line – or three – from a book.

He told me that my collar was to teach me, to control me and to bring me pain.  He said it wouldn’t always be good pain.  He said it wouldn’t always be intentional.  But He promised me that my collar would bring me pain.

Tuesday was different.

Back then, He was jumpy.  Nervous.  The training was sexual in nature.  The craving driven by our loins.

Night after night, I knelt in the kitchen while He circled me.  And night after night, He sent me to another man to be used.  Reminded of my place.

Back then I wasn’t ready.  I would have taken any nervousness on His part as weakness.  Incompetence.  Probably did.

Back then I was irrational and unreasonable.

We made major progress Tuesday.  An argument that threatened to spiral out of control… didn’t.  Because I controlled myself better than I have in years.  Because when He said, “Shut up and listen.”  I shut up and listened.  The second time.

What? I didn’t say I was perfect.  I said we made progress!

He was calm.  Collected.  Commanding.

He told me how things were going to be.

He didn’t let me waver from the topic at hand.  He told me like it was.

And that tone that hasn’t been in His voice in a long time was there.

I don’t know if I’m ready.  But I know I’m giving it my all.

He’s back to the reminders that I used to love but always bitched about.  Walking over just to slap me for no reason other than He can.  Making me crawl to Him.  Having me repeat what He says about me.

He made me crawl to Him yesterday.  He was allowing me to use something that belonged to Him.  And when I stood up, He said, “No.”

I froze.

He said, “Crawl.”

I stared at Him for a moment in that half-awed “Are you serious?” kind of way.  His gaze didn’t falter.  His jaw was set.

I crawled.

I’m required to be naked when He’s home again.  I never wasn’t.  I just sort of took on liberties.  And He didn’t stop me.

It hurt, sitting there.  Being told about myself.  Actually listening instead of blowing it off or making excuses or arguing.

And then He said, “Training is painful.  Do you remember? You’ll be told how you think and what you feel is wrong.  And that hurts sometimes.”

I blinked back tears and stared at Him.  I remember this.  It does hurt.  And I asked Him for it anyway.

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  1. July 30th, 2009 at 19:59 | #1

    I have a list of blogs that I read everyday and I look forward to reading yours everyday. It seems that lately you have been growing in your submission and it’s been nice to read. It also gives me a lot of things to think about concerning my own submission to my Master.

    Kari

  2. July 30th, 2009 at 23:29 | #2

    Rayne,

    You’ve reminded me of two things I read once. “Anything worth having is worth hurting for,” and, “We only value those things that were hard to obtain.” I don’t know if these are universal truths, but they seem to fit. You know you can do this, and that you want that which brings you to tears. Go for it.

    Dave

  3. July 31st, 2009 at 07:48 | #3

    Gosh darn it. I *really* make it a point not to cry before I’ve finished my first cup of coffee.

    I guess I need to drink faster before coming here to read. 😉

    This is a really beautiful moment that you’ve shared with us. Thank you.

  4. July 31st, 2009 at 09:49 | #4

    @Kari Thank you. It’s not been easy, but we’re getting there.

    @dweaver999 Those sayings definitely fit. Thank you.

    @kaya Well… Payback’s a bitch, I guess. 😛
    .-= rayne´s last blog ..Training is Painful =-.

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