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Permission to Cum? Please?

July 28th, 2009

I’m required to request permission to cum.  I don’t talk about it because…  Well, because orgasms are a touchy subject with me.  I was raised to believe that female masturbation is bad and I get all sorts of embarrassed when discussing an orgasm.  I’d rather hide in a dark hole alone with just my fingers than ask to cum in front of someone.

That doesn’t stop me from masturbating when I’m allowed, mind.  And I’ve long since gotten over being embarrassed by masturbating in front of Him…  For the most part.  I had to.  So far, an orgasm during sex has proven to be impossible in most instances.  With anyone, not just Him.

Maybe I’m doing something wrong.  Ah well.  I don’t mind so much.  And maybe I’ll figure it out, what with all this sex stuff I’ve been reading.

I’ve actually managed to manipulate the situation so that Master tells me to cum after sex because I won’t ask.  No matter how many times we fuck or how long it’s been since the last time I came.  Half the time, I won’t even tell Him I’m horny.  Try to seduce Him.  None of it.  Between my crippling fear of rejection and the embarrassment of having to ask to do something I’ve been conditioned to view as “bad”, I can’t bring myself to do it most of the time.

On top of that is the assumption that He’ll say no.  Even though I’m asking if I can diddle myself, I feel like I’m being rejected.

And then there’s the, “Well, He said no the last ten times.  He’ll probably say no the next ten times.  The answer’s no.  Stop asking.” mindset.

And by the time I would normally have gained the courage to ask to cum, I’ve convinced myself He’s going to say no anyway.  So I spare myself the embarrassment and accept the answer He never had the chance to give me.

There are no restrictions on when I can ask for an orgasm.  There isn’t anything I have to do to earn one or anything like that.  And there’s nothing stopping me from asking Him for one of those long, slow masturbation sessions I used to love when I was single but never ask for now that I’m owned.

Except the fact that He’s always saying, “Hurry up and cum, cunt.”  But that doesn’t mean I can’t ask for a less rushed session.

But really, all bullshit aside, it’s a manipulation tactic I’ve used since I was a child.  I don’t like having to ask to do things I feel I should be able to do whenever I want.  And, masturbation being so personal a thing, I think I should be able to do it whenever I want.

Master disagrees.  Master thinks I should only have orgasms when He wants me to.  And He doesn’t think my masturbating should be personal, what with me being a sex slave and all.  And that’s His right as my owner.

So…  Instead of asking for them when I want them, I talked myself out of wanting them.  Because I’m five years old and “You have to ask.” still sounds like “You can’t have it.” to me.

I don’t like having to ask for things I want.

Okay, I do.  But it’s embarrassing being an adult and not being allowed to just go get whatever I want.  Course… That’s why it’s hot.

I think I’ve probably said a hundred times, “I’m gonna start asking when I want to cum.  You’re gonna get annoyed cause I’m not gonna stop asking.  I always want to cum.”  And I do.  Once or twice.  And He tells me no.  And I don’t ask again.  Because I’m petty and immature.

But god damn it.  It takes a lot of work to muster up the courage to ask! He should just say yes out of sheer appreciation! Or something.

ANYway…  Just another something I’m gonna have a blast working on.  Something I have no choice but to work on now that I’ll be reviewing toys.  Cause, you know, I gotta masturbate to review them.  Lol.

Speaking of reviews…  I tried the Double O Potion.  I’ll be writing a review on that pretty soon.

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  1. July 28th, 2009 at 13:31 | #1

    Rayne,

    For the life of me, I can’t help but compare your reluctance to ask for an orgasm (and the reasons you don’t bother asking) to my own students’ relcutance to ask questions in class (or answer questions I ask). They’ve been told so many times that “they shoudl already know this” that they give up, which is iroic since I love answering student questions and don;t think there’s any such thing as a stupid one.

    Dave

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