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Making a Commitment to Sex

July 23rd, 2009

One of Master’s biggest complaints, lately, has been that I’m cold.  Distant.

I don’t touch Him often.  I rarely, if ever, initiate sex.  If I kiss Him, it’s often because He was making kissy faces at me.  I’ve gotten really uncomfortable with all things intimate.

And I don’t let anyone else touch me.  Never have, really.  I will avoid touching people as if grazing against them will mean my death.  So it’s not like I’m interested in getting the attention elsewhere or have lost interest in getting it from Him.  I’ve just gotten really uncomfortable with all things intimate.

I get embarrassed when I talk about sex.  I can’t talk about anyone’s genitals without stuttering or turning beat red or blurting the words out like I’m trying to shock you.  It’s really that I’m shocked they’re coming out of my mouth.

And I’m really not sure why this is.

Yeah… My parents treated sex like it should be a secret.  But in three months with Master, I had gotten over that.  In three months with Master, I was embarrassing Him with the things that would come out of my mouth.

And then, a few years ago, talking about sex started to embarrass me.  Pain started to become something I couldn’t handle.  Being a slave became something I should be embarrassed by.

I’m not sure where it came from.  Maybe because I stopped interacting with people in the BDSM and sex-positive communities.  Maybe because the only people I knew were vanilla and kept their sex lives private.  Maybe because people kept telling me how I was living was wrong.

We’ve been working on it the only way I know how.  Baby steps are for the birds.  I’m throwing myself headlong into all kinds of sex-related stuff and reading an insane amount of literature and…

I always do this to myself.  I get lazy or depressed and stop doing the things I love.  And then I get more depressed cause I miss the stuff I love.  And then I sit there doing nothing about it as if it’s supposed to magically fix itself.  Cause I rock.

This morning, I asked if I’d been better about being attentive and intimate.  He said I needed to start concentrating on another part of His body.  Lol.  In my defense, I tried.  He was too tired.  I have terrible timing.

I’m to the point that I have to come up with some ideas to get the mojo flowing and then force myself to do them.  Cause otherwise, I’ll let all this volunteer shit I do get in the way of our sex life.  And that sucks ass.

I had three wishlists not too long ago.  Today I deleted all three and decided to start over.  The fact that the majority of the toys on it one were purple kind of freaked me out.  I mean, purple’s my favorite color and all, but I totally did it without paying attention to what I was doing.

But it’s been fun.  And M’s not freaking like I thought He would.

That’s my bad.  I assumed He’d be all “Why do you need vibes and stuff? You’ve got me!” because every guy I’ve been with in the past has said those exact words.  But I’ve been having a bitching time playing with the vibes and insertables we have with Him.  I enjoy mutual masturbation and teasing His cock with my vibe (which was something I tried on a whim and He liked it and I liked it and I feel silly for not thinking of getting Him vibrating toys to play with sooner) and…  Assumptions are like assholes.

So here’s me making a commitment to getting back to a place where I’m happy and comfortable with my sexuality.  It’s gonna be fun!

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  1. July 23rd, 2009 at 13:07 | #1

    Rayne,

    It’s going to be fun watching too. 😉

    Dave

  2. July 23rd, 2009 at 19:25 | #2

    Erotica, read to each other, it’s sexy, it’s intimate and its fun. x

  3. July 24th, 2009 at 07:24 | #3

    @vanimp That sounds fun. Wonder if He’d go for it.

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