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Making a Commitment to Sex

July 23rd, 2009 3 comments

One of Master’s biggest complaints, lately, has been that I’m cold.  Distant.

I don’t touch Him often.  I rarely, if ever, initiate sex.  If I kiss Him, it’s often because He was making kissy faces at me.  I’ve gotten really uncomfortable with all things intimate.

And I don’t let anyone else touch me.  Never have, really.  I will avoid touching people as if grazing against them will mean my death.  So it’s not like I’m interested in getting the attention elsewhere or have lost interest in getting it from Him.  I’ve just gotten really uncomfortable with all things intimate.

I get embarrassed when I talk about sex.  I can’t talk about anyone’s genitals without stuttering or turning beat red or blurting the words out like I’m trying to shock you.  It’s really that I’m shocked they’re coming out of my mouth.

And I’m really not sure why this is.

Yeah… My parents treated sex like it should be a secret.  But in three months with Master, I had gotten over that.  In three months with Master, I was embarrassing Him with the things that would come out of my mouth.

And then, a few years ago, talking about sex started to embarrass me.  Pain started to become something I couldn’t handle.  Being a slave became something I should be embarrassed by.

I’m not sure where it came from.  Maybe because I stopped interacting with people in the BDSM and sex-positive communities.  Maybe because the only people I knew were vanilla and kept their sex lives private.  Maybe because people kept telling me how I was living was wrong. Read more…

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