Home > Rayne > Everything I learned about BDSM, I learned on the internet.

Everything I learned about BDSM, I learned on the internet.

July 21st, 2009

On every board, in every group, about every subject I’m researching, I’ve posed this question:

What resources would you suggest to a newbie?

At least one answer is almost always:

Not the internet.

The only real exception? World of Warcraft.

Why? Because while you can learn about any subject on the internet – love, hate, life, death, war, peace – there are so many subjects that you just can’t truly understand without experience.  Without having lived it.

Sure, it’s great to learn how others do it.  It’s an awesome way to get new ideas and learn which paths to avoid and meet people and put your own issues into perspective.  But it can’t compare with good, old-fashioned experience.

Especially if you’re like me and you’re susceptible to peer pressure.  Even unintentional peer pressure.

I have a lot of friends who absolutely are not into ritual or labels.  Have no purpose for them.  They do nothing for them.

Some scoff at them.  Say ritual and labels are the stuff players are made of.  Call those of us who enjoy, want, crave, need them immature, insecure, or arrogant, even.  I assume they don’t mean me, because they’re my friends, but I have a lot of friends with qualities I don’t particularly care for.  If they’re unobtrusive, I ignore them.  So who knows? I’ve never asked and they’ve never offered the information. 

Though I assume if they thought I was an immature, insecure, arrogant ass, they’d tell me.  They’re blunt like that.  Or maybe, since I already know, they don’t feel the need.  I dunno.  Anyway, I’m all rambly today.

I need ritual.  But more importantly, we need ritual.  Our relationship needs ritual.

We do fancy ourselves master and slave.  Or at least we did.  I’m not really sure what that means anymore because it’s been so lax of late.

Once upon a time, I was scraping and kneeling and… Obeying orders! As soon as they were given! That’s a novel idea, eh?

Then I went to the internet, to talk to other people like me, and, when I couldn’t find any, decided to become like everyone else.  But Master never said I could go down that road.  And He certainly never asked to be dragged on some cockamamie trip to Emerald City to find a home He was in to begin with.

I sure tried, though, didn’t I?

At this point, this realization is so ridiculously cliche that I’m almost ashamed for posting it.  I’ve heard no less than ten women on FL recite almost this exact thing in reverse.  “Everyone I know is into ritual but we really just don’t need it.”  and “I thought we were doing something wrong because there wasn’t much ritual in our relationship, but I found that it’s really just not what turns our cranks.”  and the ever popular “Just cause it works for some twit on the internet doesn’t mean it’s gonna work for us.”

I know they mean well.  I do.  I’m not bashing them for expressing their opinion.  I commend them for speaking out for couples who don’t want or need ritual in their relationship.  And they are blameless in this.  I don’t know who the vocal majority is anymore.  All I know is, once upon a time, it was those who wanted or needed ritual in their relationship.  And the ones who didn’t were left with their asses hanging in the breeze.

It’s my hang up.  I wanted to fit in.  I forgot that these women aren’t the type to stop talking to me because my dynamic is different or because we have differing opinions.  I’m not used to acting like a grown up.

I’m really not sure where we ended up this morning.  Master would say, “We need the ritual back.” and I would say, “You’re right.  We do.” and He would say, “But, Rayne, the first few weeks are gonna suck.  You’re gonna be such a bitch.  You always are until you get used to it again.” and I’d… change the subject.

Because He’s right.  We need the ritual back.  But I’m petrified of diving right back into the same cycle.

We’ve learned a lot along the way.  Now that I’ve pulled my head out of my ass and started to pay attention.

We’ve learned that Him always using pain for punishment is a very bad thing.  This is not to say that He can’t still occasionally use pain for punishment.  This is not to say that it isn’t warranted in some cases.  But I began to associate pain only with punishment.  And when He wanted to play, I’d go ballistic because I thought I was in trouble.  This is something He and I discussed back in October.

We’ve learned that sparing each other’s feelings only makes things worse.  That wounds have to be allowed to breathe to heal.  And the only way to let them breathe is to talk about them.

We’ve learned that, in order for this 24/7 thing to work, He’s got to keep His hands on the wheel at least 99.9% of the time.  That if He lets go, I start grabbing for it and then all hell breaks loose.

We’ve learned I have to let Him keep His hands on the wheel and stop trying to yank them off.  I am not innocent by any means.  I know that.

And we’ve learned that we need ritual.  That I thrive in an environment where I am not allowed things such as pride and ego.  Where I cannot even fathom them.  An environment where I am at His feet, literally and figuratively, all of the time.

And that scares me.  Because even as I say I gave up my right to control, I often find myself finagling it so that He’s walking a tightrope.  And that’s just fucked up on so many levels.

I can’t guarantee that I won’t be a bitch.  It’s a pie crust promise that I won’t make.  There are things that I want to be doing, liberties that I like having, that I will mourn the loss of.  But I can guarantee that I will try.  And that’s more than I’ve offered lately.

Is it any wonder I question your reasons for being with me? Holy shit, Master.  You deserve a medal.  I’m just sayin’.

Oh…  And I do see the irony in my telling you, my internet friends and readers, to take what you read on the internet with a grain of salt.  I really do.

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  1. July 21st, 2009 at 17:06 | #1


    They say that half the battle is knowing what needs to be done. I suspect in this case, it’s the easy half of the battle. I’m not in a 24/7 relationship of any kind and I can see that you and Melon are going to have to work really hard at this to get it to work. Curing the common cold will be easier than giving up control and trusting.

    There’s a story about a man who fell off a cliff. He managed to grab hold of a root 20 feet down that was sticking out of the rocks. Hanging there, alone, he calls out to God, “Please God, save me!” The answer comes back as he looks at the remaining 400 feet to the rocks a surf and sure death at the bottom, “Let go.”

    The one thing you have is each other. Trust yourselves. I realize I’m not saying anything you haven’t already told yourselves, but reminders are never a bad thing. You, Rayne, need to trust that Melon will take that control back and hold you accountable for how you react. Melon needs to trust that you want to be the slave you say you want to be and that you’ll become that slave again. Sometimes I feel silly giving advice to people who have actually lived this life I’ve come to want when I’ve never been there. I think it must be the teacher in me. I can’t look at someone struggling without offering some kind of help, I just can’t do it.

    As for your opening, the reason I always say not the internet is the sheer volume of bad information out there. They did a study once and found more websites denying the Holocaust than affirming it. It’s too easy to but junk out there that looks good.

    You two will get there again, I’m sure of it. take care.


  2. July 22nd, 2009 at 06:54 | #2

    @dweaver999 Thanks, Dave. I think the internet is an amazing resource if you know how to use it. But you have to have a well-developed bullshit filter.

  3. July 22nd, 2009 at 13:56 | #3

    We enjoy our own private rituals very much. But it took a while to figure out what pleased us and what didn’t. I would say the internet is great as a guide for ideas as long as we don’t compare ourselves to what others do and start to feel what *we* do “lacking” because others aren’t doing it too.

    As you say, there is a HUGE amount of total bullshit out there and besides, not everyone wants the same things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    You guys will work it all out, just keep doing what you *enjoy*, what makes you both happy and fulfilled and throw out anything that doesn’t. 🙂

  4. July 22nd, 2009 at 15:45 | #4

    @Amber Thanks 🙂 Yeah we’ll get it. Just being able to speak to Him like a civil adult was a huge step.

    “I would say the internet is great as a guide for ideas as long as we don’t compare ourselves to what others do and start to feel what *we* do “lacking” because others aren’t doing it too.”

    Definitely. This is something I’m having to learn how to deal with. I’m incredibly susceptible to peer pressure. Intentional or not.

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