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500 Words: Frustration

July 19th, 2009 Comments off

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I’m really frustrated with myself.

I had two dreams growing up.   Two.

One was to be a lawyer.  Even in the late eighties and early nineties, when my dream began to develop, the world was so fucked up that I, a child between the ages of six and sixteen, could see it and wanted to fix it.  And I thought being a lawyer would give me the perfect opportunity. Because, to me, a lawyer isn’t much different from a salesman.  They’re both selling their product.  A lawyer’s product just happens to be their client.

My other dream was to be a writer.  Change the world with my writing.  Help MJ heal the world.

That used to be my favorite song.

I knew writing would never pay the bills.  I assumed I’d never be famous.  I was pretty sure I’d never be rich.   But I wanted to write. Even if that part of me was never noticed until after I died like so many artists who have gone before me.

I’m not sure when it started.  The decline in my self esteem.  The wholehearted belief that I would never amount to anything.  I don’t know what caused it or how it managed to get so damn big.

I know I never used to talk about it.  Would pretend I loved myself too much so I didn’t have to face the fact that, in reality, I hated myself so much I couldn’t even bring myself to do the things I love.  And I would just go on unable to look myself in the mirror. Read more…

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