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Please don’t stop the music. This is my favorite song.

July 14th, 2009

headinhandsSo the other day, when Master and I got into that fight, He grabbed me by the hair and shoved me to my knees with my face on the floor to get my attention.  And He got it.  As well as the attention of the new bitch downstairs.  Which brought the budding KAP who used to live downstairs up to see if I was alright.

It was the middle of the afternoon and they said they didn’t know Master was home.  They heard me walking around and then heard a loud bang like I’d fallen.  I can only imagine just how loud the bang was.  I’m a big girl.

So…  I said I fell.  My toe got caught in my pants leg, like it always does (The KAP has seen me almost fall down the stairs this way more than once), and I fell.

They opened it up for me and it was easier than trying to explain what really happened with the new woman downstairs standing in the hallway.  We haven’t had “the talk” with her yet.  At this rate, we’ll probably move instead.  She’s kind of a cunt.  I don’t like cunts.  Of her grade, anyway.

Later, when I wasn’t around, the KAP lectured Master about how hitting me in anger makes Him an asshole.  Like we haven’t, at length, discussed our relationship with her.

It happened again yesterday.  Not the floor slamming.  The fighting.  I… am a genius.

So much of a genius that He’s not sure He can be with me anymore.  I mean, He wants to.  But He’s not sure how to deal with my breed of crazy, or if He even can, without any way to “handle” me.

He’s… I don’t want to say afraid.  But I guess that’s the sum of it.  He’s afraid to handle me the only way that works.  Afraid that they’ll hear something downstairs, assume the worst, and call the police.

He stayed as far away from me as possible last night.  He was afraid that, if He was close enough, I’d be able to provoke Him into doing something that would bring the cops here.  And I’m really fucking pissed off about the whole thing.

Not at Him.  He’s done nothing wrong.  At them.

This woman just got a degree and is considering opening her own sex therapy office.  And then she’s going to put herself on the list of kink-aware professionals.  At least, that was one of the first jobs she told me she wanted when we met.

We hang out with her on occasion.  We have a few things in common and usually have a lot of fun.  And the conversation has spun to our relationship on more than one occasion.  Specifically to just how fucking insane I am.  What lengths I make Him go to to get me to shut the fuck up and pay the fuck attention.  Just so we can resolve something as small as whose shirt is on the dryer.

And no, that’s not what last night was about.

It took five hours.  Five hours of sheer insanity.  Five hours of me, seemingly, trying to whittle Him into a sliver of the man that He is.  Five hours of me not being able to make sense of anything.  Five hours of numb.

And when I finally was able to shake it, I had destroyed Him.  Because I thought I was right.  Because I believed, wholeheartedly, that I was right.  Because…

I hoped I was right.  Because of the situation, I really and truly hoped I was right.  Him being right means all sorts of icky things that I really don’t want to think about; though they really don’t affect me aside from possibly costing me a friend I don’t really want to lose.  And I’m too proud and stubborn to entertain the idea that I might be wrong when I believe (or hope) I am right.

What it comes down to is, I have to figure out how to control myself.  How to rein myself in.  How to remain within the confines of reality when all I see is red.  On my own.

Cause nothing He says when it’s happening helps.  If anything, anyone talking, regardless of what they’re saying, makes me burrow deeper into my insanity.  Makes my brain empty its contents that much faster.  Makes the connectors that form my logic short out.

If I don’t figure it out, I am going to lose Him.  And I can’t handle losing Him.

I wish, just once, someone would be in the room when I go nuts.  An objective someone.  An observant someone.  Then maybe we could figure out how to stop me.  But I wouldn’t dare engage Him in something like that with people around.  So I guess it’s left to me to figure out.

I love you, Master.  I’m sorry.

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  1. July 14th, 2009 at 13:09 | #1


    I’m so sorry to hear how scared you are right now. The thought of losing Melen must be truly horrifying to you; especially when it seems like it you who’s driving him away. The irony, for me, is that even though I’m dominant instead of submissive, I’m quite unlikely to press an issue where I know I’m right and they’re wrong; different personalities, I guess (unless it’s in my classroom). I’m reminded of the sign our band director had in the band room. “Band rules: 1) the director is always right. 2) In the event the director is wrong, refer back to rule #1.” I know it’s probably going to take more than deciding to apply this to your relationship, and I hope and pray you’ll find a way.

    As for the…neighbors…fuck ’em. Seriously, tell the cunt downstairs that what happens above her is none of her fucking business and that you want, demand, that she ignore whatever she hears from your apartment. Tell the not very kink aware budding professional that your dynamic is YOURS and to keep her two bit opinions to herself; that you want Melen to be able to “hit you in anger” when it’s needed. Remind her that being kink aware is being aware of EVERYONE’s kink and respecting that kink. Seriously, what’s she going to do when she sees someone professionally who has knife scars from a little blood play? Pet her on a suicide watch? Sheesh!

    Sorry, I get carried away sometimes. I’m pulling for you and Melen.

    Dave (wishing I lived under you so give you that buffer of sanity)

  2. July 14th, 2009 at 13:53 | #2

    Oy, so many things here.

    Okay, first off, you know, Rayne, I don’t say anything unless I’ve been through it myself. Never played D/s with others so I don’t say boo about that. We don’t do knife play or needle play, nothing like that so I don’t say a word about that stuff.

    But what you two are going through is so close to what we went through and countless other D/s types have been through, THIS is something I know a lot about. I daresay much more than the KAP.

    So I’m going to put on my advice hat. 🙂

    You have a good man in Melen. He knows that the line is very thin between controlling you in a D/s, disciplinary kind of way and abusing you. He knows that he is a man and as a man, he has the power to really hurt you if he isn’t careful. He doesn’t want to abuse you, that’s the last thing he wants. He loves you and wants to help you. But using BDSM or D/s or DD (and what you two are really doing right now is DD, Domestic Discipline with a BDSM edge), using this dynamic to “contain yer crazzee” is not going to work. Not for you. And it doesn’t work for me, either.

    You are not alone; I have watched I don’t know how many couples over the last 6 years I’ve been reading and writing and meeting various people online about TTWD and how many more go through it but don’t have the guts to talk about it? Probably a significant percentage don’t have the courage you do to even admit it.

    I also get/got the “crazee” at times. I hated it when I’d act out like that, I hated fighting and I hated hurting Dan. So when I first discovered the concept of DD, I thought OMG this will solve that problem! Now Dan can just MAKE me submit when/if I get like that. Problem solved!

    But it didn’t work that way. I acted out more and more; it was as if I felt now I had a safety net; Dan. Dan would stop me, right? I was free to get as balls-out crazy as I liked but Dan would be there to stop me before I got too out of control.

    And at first it worked. But then I got more and more out of control and Dan had to step it up. And step it up. And yet again. And finally he did hurt me, his anger got away with him, he couldn’t help it and honestly, I was being so horrible and I got hysterical about what he’d done, ran and when Dan chased me to try and calm me down (he already saw that the punishment had not worked and had backfired), he wracked his knee pretty badly running it into the door.

    So there we were, both physically hurt and both emotionally wounded. It. Was. A. Big. Hot. Mess. We stopped everything for a few days and backed off for a while.

    I firmly believe that this power-exchange dynamic is NOT meant as a tool to physically force you into submission when you are angry and do not want to submit. This is a murky concept, because of course as subs we are often told to do things when we don’t want to; that is an important part of submitting. And for the Dom to watch us struggle to submit; this is a huge part of the whole thing.

    But I’m not talking about that stuff; I’m talking about when you are really mad, spitting mad, you’ve lost your mind and your control and your whole attitude is “Fuck you Melen and I’ll take you down if you try and make me calm down, just try me ASSHOLE”, when your head is in that place, BDSM has no place in what happens next.

    It’s far too dangerous and Melen is right to stay away from you during those times.

    They are MEN, they are not machines; they do not want to lose themselves and truly hurt us out of their anger and frustration. And it’s not fair to ask them to try to hold it together under circumstances like that. It’s wrong.

    So my advice to you, and to anyone who finds themselves in this position, in future, when you lose it to that extent, the whole dynamic is off. A timeout on the D/s until you get your shit together. Melen walks away from you and ignores you as best he can. He is not your dom until you become yourself again for the simple reason you are no longer honoring your role as his sub.

    Later, when you have calmed down, even if it’s the next day, then you can resume your roles. And Melen can decide what is to be done then and you will obey, whatever it is.

    Be aware that for many people who have had this happen, they are so afraid of losing their relationship that they abandon the kink-side for good. This doesn’t have to be the case and you don’t have to let it get that far.

    Just stop trying to use DD or D/s to solve arguments. For you two, like for us, it just doesn’t work. Whether because we are too volatile or whatever, it doesn’t work.

    Drop what doesn’t work, keep what does.

    And Rayne, you have to learn how to control yourself. Grit your teeth, bite your tongue, scream into a pillow, gouge your fingernails into the palm of your hands, whatever it takes for you to stop the spiral down into insanity. I had to learn, too. I’m not perfect, I still lose it at times, but I’m worlds better than I was. The best thing Melen can do is completely ignore you when you get like that. When you start to ramp up and he tells you to knock it off and don’t “go there” to that place you go in your head, you either obey his word on the spot or he walks away and doesn’t speak to you.

    What most subs hate most is their indifference to us.

    And I’m not talking about the times we are clearly struggling to obey; if you are trying to obey, that’s one thing. I’m talking about the “fuck you” mentality.

    If we get in that headspace, best thing he can do is leave.

    Without feedback, eventually you’ll learn to stop doing it.

    Okay, sorry for the direct advice, but oh hon; I’ve been there and it sucks and there was no one to say this to us back then. We felt like failures and it was rough. I hope I helped, even if it’s just to know someone else has been there too.

    Many have. Many many many. You are so not alone.


  3. July 14th, 2009 at 14:45 | #3

    @Amber I’m going to email you a response but I wanted to say, here, that the advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

    @dweaver999 Thanks. We appreciate the support.

  4. July 14th, 2009 at 19:51 | #4

    Rayne, email me any time. Glad I could help! 🙂

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