Rayne,

I’m so sorry to hear how scared you are right now. The thought of losing Melen must be truly horrifying to you; especially when it seems like it you who’s driving him away. The irony, for me, is that even though I’m dominant instead of submissive, I’m quite unlikely to press an issue where I know I’m right and they’re wrong; different personalities, I guess (unless it’s in my classroom). I’m reminded of the sign our band director had in the band room. “Band rules: 1) the director is always right. 2) In the event the director is wrong, refer back to rule #1.” I know it’s probably going to take more than deciding to apply this to your relationship, and I hope and pray you’ll find a way.

As for the…neighbors…fuck ’em. Seriously, tell the cunt downstairs that what happens above her is none of her fucking business and that you want, demand, that she ignore whatever she hears from your apartment. Tell the not very kink aware budding professional that your dynamic is YOURS and to keep her two bit opinions to herself; that you want Melen to be able to “hit you in anger” when it’s needed. Remind her that being kink aware is being aware of EVERYONE’s kink and respecting that kink. Seriously, what’s she going to do when she sees someone professionally who has knife scars from a little blood play? Pet her on a suicide watch? Sheesh!

Sorry, I get carried away sometimes. I’m pulling for you and Melen.

Dave (wishing I lived under you so give you that buffer of sanity)

Oy, so many things here.

Okay, first off, you know, Rayne, I don’t say anything unless I’ve been through it myself. Never played D/s with others so I don’t say boo about that. We don’t do knife play or needle play, nothing like that so I don’t say a word about that stuff.

But what you two are going through is so close to what we went through and countless other D/s types have been through, THIS is something I know a lot about. I daresay much more than the KAP.

So I’m going to put on my advice hat. 🙂

You have a good man in Melen. He knows that the line is very thin between controlling you in a D/s, disciplinary kind of way and abusing you. He knows that he is a man and as a man, he has the power to really hurt you if he isn’t careful. He doesn’t want to abuse you, that’s the last thing he wants. He loves you and wants to help you. But using BDSM or D/s or DD (and what you two are really doing right now is DD, Domestic Discipline with a BDSM edge), using this dynamic to “contain yer crazzee” is not going to work. Not for you. And it doesn’t work for me, either.

You are not alone; I have watched I don’t know how many couples over the last 6 years I’ve been reading and writing and meeting various people online about TTWD and how many more go through it but don’t have the guts to talk about it? Probably a significant percentage don’t have the courage you do to even admit it.

I also get/got the “crazee” at times. I hated it when I’d act out like that, I hated fighting and I hated hurting Dan. So when I first discovered the concept of DD, I thought OMG this will solve that problem! Now Dan can just MAKE me submit when/if I get like that. Problem solved!

But it didn’t work that way. I acted out more and more; it was as if I felt now I had a safety net; Dan. Dan would stop me, right? I was free to get as balls-out crazy as I liked but Dan would be there to stop me before I got too out of control.

And at first it worked. But then I got more and more out of control and Dan had to step it up. And step it up. And yet again. And finally he did hurt me, his anger got away with him, he couldn’t help it and honestly, I was being so horrible and I got hysterical about what he’d done, ran and when Dan chased me to try and calm me down (he already saw that the punishment had not worked and had backfired), he wracked his knee pretty badly running it into the door.

So there we were, both physically hurt and both emotionally wounded. It. Was. A. Big. Hot. Mess. We stopped everything for a few days and backed off for a while.

I firmly believe that this power-exchange dynamic is NOT meant as a tool to physically force you into submission when you are angry and do not want to submit. This is a murky concept, because of course as subs we are often told to do things when we don’t want to; that is an important part of submitting. And for the Dom to watch us struggle to submit; this is a huge part of the whole thing.

But I’m not talking about that stuff; I’m talking about when you are really mad, spitting mad, you’ve lost your mind and your control and your whole attitude is “Fuck you Melen and I’ll take you down if you try and make me calm down, just try me ASSHOLE”, when your head is in that place, BDSM has no place in what happens next.

It’s far too dangerous and Melen is right to stay away from you during those times.

They are MEN, they are not machines; they do not want to lose themselves and truly hurt us out of their anger and frustration. And it’s not fair to ask them to try to hold it together under circumstances like that. It’s wrong.

So my advice to you, and to anyone who finds themselves in this position, in future, when you lose it to that extent, the whole dynamic is off. A timeout on the D/s until you get your shit together. Melen walks away from you and ignores you as best he can. He is not your dom until you become yourself again for the simple reason you are no longer honoring your role as his sub.

Later, when you have calmed down, even if it’s the next day, then you can resume your roles. And Melen can decide what is to be done then and you will obey, whatever it is.

Be aware that for many people who have had this happen, they are so afraid of losing their relationship that they abandon the kink-side for good. This doesn’t have to be the case and you don’t have to let it get that far.

Just stop trying to use DD or D/s to solve arguments. For you two, like for us, it just doesn’t work. Whether because we are too volatile or whatever, it doesn’t work.

Drop what doesn’t work, keep what does.

And Rayne, you have to learn how to control yourself. Grit your teeth, bite your tongue, scream into a pillow, gouge your fingernails into the palm of your hands, whatever it takes for you to stop the spiral down into insanity. I had to learn, too. I’m not perfect, I still lose it at times, but I’m worlds better than I was. The best thing Melen can do is completely ignore you when you get like that. When you start to ramp up and he tells you to knock it off and don’t “go there” to that place you go in your head, you either obey his word on the spot or he walks away and doesn’t speak to you.

What most subs hate most is their indifference to us.

And I’m not talking about the times we are clearly struggling to obey; if you are trying to obey, that’s one thing. I’m talking about the “fuck you” mentality.

If we get in that headspace, best thing he can do is leave.

Without feedback, eventually you’ll learn to stop doing it.

Okay, sorry for the direct advice, but oh hon; I’ve been there and it sucks and there was no one to say this to us back then. We felt like failures and it was rough. I hope I helped, even if it’s just to know someone else has been there too.

Many have. Many many many. You are so not alone.

{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Rayne, email me any time. Glad I could help! 🙂