Home > rayne > I did it again.

I did it again.

July 10th, 2009

headinhandsI’m not sure how many of you noticed that ID was among the missing for a while yesterday.  As was Mindcryme.  I caused it.  Apparently, arguing with an m-type about something you want to keep is not the best idea in the world.  Who knew?

For those of you who’ve noticed I’ve removed myself from every group not owned by me or a friend, I’m on thin ice with FetLife and I’m taking a self-imposed break.

I’m hoping that taking these steps will be enough of a shield for me.  I’m extremely vulnerable right now.  And I’m fighting asking permission to put my part of ID on hiatus and going into hiding for a while.

I shoulda known the good was leading to bad.  Bad caused by me… as always.

Master said if I go back through my blog, I’ll find that I cause bullshit about once a month and end up feeling like an asshole every time.  I don’t need to go through my blog to see it.  I know it.  At least once a month, either I lose control or I just don’t feel like controlling myself or… something.

I don’t know if it’s PMS or PMT or what the fuck ever we’re calling it these days.  I don’t keep track of my period.  My tubes are cut and burned, and it hasn’t been regular since I had that done, so there’s really no reason to.  But I’m pretty sure it’s a week or two away.

And I realize I have a laundry list of diagnoses.  But some of it’s so over-diagnosed that it’s difficult to know how much I really have.  And most of the time, I maintain pretty good control.

Yesterday, instead of just letting it be over with, we took the time to analyze what happened to me while it was happening.  The trigger, the progression, what went on in my mind.

My mind, quite literally, goes blank.  I lose the ability to follow simple logic.  I can’t put two and two together.  I hear what’s being said to me in brief snatches.  My tongue becomes a weapon so sharp it cuts like a warm butter knife through softened butter.  I lose all concept of time.  I forget statements made by either of us (not all, but some) within a few minutes.

And I get very, very scared.  Losing my grip on reality and not having the ability to make sense of anything is very scary for me.  Not being able to control my mental/emotional state freaks me the fuck out.  And fear always translates into anger with me.  That’s why I don’t like to be afraid of Master, for any reason.  Because it makes me angry.  And I still have yet to learn how to control my anger when I’m in that frame of mind.

We’re okay.  Our relationship, I mean.  We’re going to be okay.  I’ve at least managed to not push Him away yet.

I am not okay.

I started waking up around 4am and reaching out frantically for Him.  He was awake for most of it and would let me cling to Him until I fell back asleep even though it bothers Him and makes it impossible for Him to sleep.  He would run His hands over me and hold me and drift in and out of sleep in similar patterns to mine.

I started crying and apologizing over and over.  And I begged Him to hold me.  We clung to each other for hours.

I’m still on the verge of tears and everything everyone says to me gets me all teary-eyed.

And I knew it was coming.  I felt it.  I tried not to let it.  But it got the best of me.

I guess that’s progress, though.  I usually don’t know it’s coming.

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  1. July 10th, 2009 at 13:56 | #1

    Rayne,

    No advice, I wouldn’t know what to give. Just know we’re pulling for you to survive and eventually conquer whatever “this” is. I can only imagine what it must feel like to “see” you’re ability to function rationally fading before your eyes. Get better, okay?

    Dave

  2. July 11th, 2009 at 10:48 | #2

    My reactions are somewhat different, but no less scary for me. When I get that angry with Dan, when I go into an emotional spiral like that, I shut down. My vision even changes; I lose colors. I lose the ability to think or respond other than monosyllabic words. My emotional me, the real me, shrinks to a pinpoint way deep down inside. I look at Dan and feel numb. I think about myself and my life and there is nothing but gray. I feel I am the reason for all the bad there is in the world.

    It’s a bleak place to be, especially since I tell myself there is no coming back.

    Eventually, with Dan’s help, I do thaw out again.

    I haven’t had an episode like that for a long time. I am coming to the end of peri-menopause so I attribute some of the waning to that. But also to Dan, who never stops trying to get me back when I’m in that place.

    What does Melen say to you about this? I’m willing to bet that when you “go there”, he is being supportive. Frustrated and angry probably, yes, but not wanting you to go to that place you go, either. I’m willing to bet that he is/does try to help you stick around and not go down that hole into despair. He holds you and tells you he loves you and you are NOT the horrible being you end up thinking you are.

    And he’s right, you know. Our brain is not always our friend, did you know that? Our brains can lie to us.

    Listen to Melen and not to the lies, Rayne. Let Time and Melen help you. Give up to them and stop struggling. There is no evil in you that needs to be “fixed”; you are Rayne and you are good. 🙂 Sometimes we get off the path a little, that’s all. We create these massive, ugly flaws in ourselves that are untrue and we cannot bear it. It’s okay that this happened to you, we ARE women, we DO go through hormonal shifts and sometimes we just lose it.

    He loves you and we care about you. Let go and relax. Let him love you and take care of you right now.

    You are safe. 🙂

  3. July 13th, 2009 at 10:23 | #3

    Thanks you guys. 🙂

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