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Admission and Rambling

July 8th, 2009

Until recently, I haven’t really tried in this relationship.  That’s hard for me to say but it’s true.  I’ve given it a half-assed effort like I’ve done with everything I’ve ever done my whole life.  I’ve never admitted that to anyone until just now.

I think Master knew.  I think He’s been telling me that for a long time (What was your first clue? When He said, “You’re doing a half-assed job of being a slave. We both know you can do better.”?).  I always have to see it for myself.  Why is that?  I’m so god damn pigheaded.  Gah!

I’ve realized when I started to doubt my interest in this type of relationship.  And I know, now, that I’m an idiot.  Lol. Cause now that I’m behaving and trying and things are going smoothly and…  I can’t imagine not living like this.  I’ll probably question again.  My moods change with the weather and the weather is damn kooky up here.  But I have this time to look back on and remind myself.

I also know when my faith was restored.  And why. 

There are a lot of things I’ve closed off.  From everyone.  Master, my friends, myself.  I allowed myself to get jaded.  To let the assholes I’ve dealt with bring me down.  To allow them to make me question who I am.

No more.

I am a loving slut with sadistic tendencies and masochistic desires.  I try to see the good in people and give them five million chances because I hope they’ll change. I’m always cautious.  I only ever trust them with what cannot do me damage.  And I don’t try to change them.  I just hope that my caring for them as deeply as I always do is enough to make them want to change.

I rarely get anywhere.  It hurts.  But I like to give people a chance.  Or fifty.

That’s what happened with our recent company.  That’s done, too.  I need to spend less time with energy leeches.

Oh…  And Master says I need to learn to like the things that I don’t.  If only because they please Him.  He says He doesn’t always expect me to like things.  But that if I don’t learn to, and He does, I’m going to be pretty miserable.  I can see how that would be the case.

I think that’s all for today.  It’s gorgeous out and we’re stuck inside cause of His job and His hurted foot.  I haz a sad.  *sniffle*

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  1. July 8th, 2009 at 16:15 | #1

    Heh you are not the only one 😉 I am a ditz most days.

  2. July 8th, 2009 at 23:47 | #2

    Rayne,

    I spent 20 years in a dead end job becuase it was…easy to stay that way. We all have to grow, so cudos on seeing yourself and choosing to do better (of course, this doesn’t make it feel any less worse, the realization of what you’ve been doing for so long–it sure didn’t for me).

    Dave

  3. cinnamon
    July 9th, 2009 at 13:34 | #3

    It pains me to see you call yourself an idiot, and makes me laugh all in the same breath. Lol. I can understand what you’re saying about half-assing everything in your life, cause that’s how I’ve always done it myself. I promised myself when M and I started this journey, that I would not be that way about our M/s. HA, fat chance. Not only have I half-assed that, but now it seems as if I’m half-assing our marriage too! There are other things that add to it, but I see my part for what it is.

    Either way, you are an intelligent slave, who has opened my eyes on so many things in this lifestyle. You have been an amazing friend that I’m not sure I could get along without anymore, but you’re right about getting jaded. I have watched you go through some things with people who are supposed to be you’re “friend”, and all they are really doing is walking all over you, or using you for what they can get out of you, then getting mad that you have to put your foot down on the issue. It’s a sad case really, but I love you, and that should make it better, lol. Seriously though, I learned the hard way, like you, that not everyone has good intentions.

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