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Is your happiness related to your owner’s happiness?

July 6th, 2009

headinhandsA slave should be happy with whatever makes her owner happy regardless of her true feelings on the matter. ~Unknown

My little turmoil for the day.  I’ll use my recent gift from Master as an example.

I hate my hair long.  It’s hot and heavy.  It gets in the way.  It looks horrible on me (in my opinion).  I don’t know how to take care of it and, truth be told, even if I did I probably wouldn’t.  And I wear it up more often than not.  Because it’s hot and heavy and gets in the way.

I’m just not a girly girl.  I can’t usually be bothered with what clothes are in fashion, which shampoos work best for what types of hair, what kind of face wash I should be using…  And it shows.  In everything about me, it shows.

My clothes are faded and worn.  My hair (was) tattered and dying.  My skin is dry and porous.  And even if we had the money to do something about it all, I’d let most of it fall to the wayside, eventually, because it’s too damn much effort being feminine.

But Master loves my hair long.  Loves it.  Even when it looks like shit.  And for as long as we’ve been together I’ve been required to get permission from Him for any alterations to my hair.  Trims, cuts, styles, dyes.  I’ve had one hairstyle for the past seven years.  Long.

He cut it yesterday.  And as the cool metal traced across the naked flesh at the middle of my back, I got so excited I almost ran through the house while He was trying to cut.  When He was finished it ended up 2-3 inches below my shoulders.

Ecstatic doesn’t really cover the emotions I’ve been feeling since He cut it.  I went to sleep stroking my ponytail.  That is not a joke or an exaggeration.  I went to sleep stroking my ponytail.

Today, I’m feeling guilty.

He does not like my hair short.  Not because it doesn’t look good or anything like that.  Simply because He likes long hair.

But I can hear it in His voice.  The cut looks good.  And it feels good.  My head’s lighter.  I’m cooler.  And I get more excited with every stroke of the brush.

I think I’ve brushed my hair a hundred times since He cut it.

Kaya posted almost the exact same thing a while back.  I wanted to link to it but a quick search did me no good cause I suck at search engines.  I’ll lose my train of thought if I get too involved so if y’all are interested go find it.  Lol.  It’s a good post.

I am happy.  I’m bubbling over with happiness.  I’ve wanted a hair cut for a really long time.  I’ve wanted it short.  I’ve wanted it out of the way.  Just long enough to put it in a ponytail that won’t bother me when I’m doing anything.  And I’ve got it.

But I remember the tone of His voice when He finished.  When He said, sadly, as if defeated by how good it looked and how happy I was about it, “It’s too short.”  And I’m torn.

I’ve heard it so many times.  “If it makes my master happy, it makes me happy.” and “I’ll do whatever makes him happy and like it.” and “His opinion is the only one that matters.  He likes it so I like it.” and I think, “Jesus.  Will I ever be like that?  Do I want to be like that?  Can I be like that?”…

Should I be like that?

I guess the only one who can answer me is Master.  But I’m afraid to ask.  Afraid of what His answer will be.  Afraid I’ll find out one more fault.  One more thing I have to change.  And I’m overwhelmed already by the things that need to be different.

I’m sure I signed up for the easy slavery.  ~nods emphatically~  This is so not easy slavery.

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  1. July 6th, 2009 at 15:33 | #1

    Rayne,

    Actually, at least one of those questions only you can answer: “Do I want to be like that?” But, you’re right about only He can answer the vital question of should you. I’m sorry I can’t be of any more help. I do suspect that you’ll never feel right about your hair until it’s back the way He likes it; and that might be just the answer you’re looking for, or at least a guide to it. Answer this one; what’s more important to you, His happiness or your happiness? (I know, loaded question in the extreme)

    Dave

  2. July 6th, 2009 at 18:07 | #2

    @dweaver999 Well, actually, at this stage in the game if that’s not what I want to be and He wants me to be that, I’m kinda gonna have to suck it up. I’ve given up my choice.

    I just gotta ask Him, I guess.

  3. July 6th, 2009 at 20:38 | #3

    Another example of “I got what I wanted!” and it turned out it really wasn’t what you wanted after all.

    Yeah. Been there. Like when I’ve yelled at him and stamped my foot and it really felt good to do that, you know? “YEAH! TAKE THAT!”

    Then I have to pay the price of feeling shitty about treating him so disrespectfully for days/weeks afterwards. Was it worth it? That’s what I ask myself again and again.

    And generally speaking, no. No it wasn’t. It usually isn’t.

    Was it worth it to get your hair cut? You don’t know yet.

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