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Something Positive

June 26th, 2009

348730-7-true-measureSo way back when, before we updated and lost comments (Boo!  On the losing comments part, not the updating part.  I really like the new layout.  M did a kick-ass job.  In case I haven’t said it, thank you, Master!), I put up a post called Scared Stiff: Insecurities.  It’s basically just a list of some of the things that being so damned insecure and self-conscious affects in my day to day life.  Things that piss me off, that is.

I also mentioned I want to overcome them.  And promptly did nothing about it.

But I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t spend hours at a time crying over not being a super model.  I can’t keep freaking out about details that are just not possible to correct right this second.  And most of all, I’m sick of being fucking depressed all the time.

Someone said to me the other day, “It’s always something with you.”  And they’re right.  Something is always going wrong or pissing me off or upsetting me.  Try as I might, looking at the bright side does me no good.  And that needs to change.

Anyway… Vanimp and Amber both said I should make a list of my good qualities.  Things I like about myself.  And I’ve been meaning to and putting it off.  Because I have a really hard time seeing any good in myself.  And I have a hard time believing people when they compliment me because my opinion of myself is so low.

I’m already crying just thinking of the exercise.  Heh.  But without further ado, my positive traits.

1. I am hella good in bed.  I know because even men who absolutely hated me personally came back for more.  And because I’ve only been with one man out of 30+ (Yes.  I have lost count.  Your point?  And no.  I don’t mean the one currently tenting between your legs.) who has lasted longer than ten or fifteen minutes.  He currently owns me.

2. I have a pretty high pain tolerance.  For a while, there, it was tapering off.  I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while.  But lately, while it’s not where it was a month ago, it’s hella better than it was a year ago.  I’m pretty happy about this.

3. I have a pretty high bull shit tolerance, too.  It takes a lot to piss me off enough to finally do or say something about it.  It takes even more to actually offend me.  But you don’t want to offend me.

4. I learn pretty quickly and am eager to learn new things to please Him.  Case in point: Hand jobs.  When Master and I first met, I absolutely sucked at hand jobs.  Ask Him.  He’ll tell you.  I hated giving blow jobs (at first… blow jobs had really negative effects on me because of things in my past) but I would give Him a blow job before a hand job any day just to avoid the humiliation of how bad I sucked.  And now?  After having Him show me what He likes and watching instructional videos and being less pussy about it?  I kick ass.

5. I’m intelligent.  I often lack the common sense to act on my gut instinct.  But I do have the smarts to know what’s what.

6. I’m a pretty damn good writer.  Whether it’s just random thoughts running through my head that I make you all sit and endure or some fictional tale I weave or even a mostly non-fictional memory, I’m pretty damn good at it.

7. I enjoy making people happy.  Truly happy.  Nothing brings me up more than seeing a smile I caused.

8. I have an amazing mouth.  Seriously.  I wish I could give myself head.  I’m that good.

9. I’m a kick-ass cook.  Master gained 100lbs after we got married because of my cooking.  It’s next to impossible to stop eating when you’re full with my meals.  You want to lick the plates clean.

10. I’ve not found a hard limit yet.  There’s a lot we haven’t done and a lot we probably never will.  That’s just how the cookie crumbles.  But of the things we’ve tried, I haven’t found a single thing I would refuse to do again if given the option.

11. I know how to take care of my man.  It might not be the same for all men.  But for mine it works.

12. I follow instructions to the best of my ability and enjoy being bossed around for the most part.

13. I’m a hard worker.

14. I’m punctual to a fault.  As in, I’ll arrive somewhere an hour early if I’m not sure how long it takes to get there.  I used to literally stand at the door and fret in the beginning of our relationship because He was always at least half an hour late everywhere.  I really don’t remember why that changed but He’s almost always on time now.

15. I have beautiful hair when it cooperates. Speaking of hair, I washed my hair for two weeks or so with a cheap moisturizing shampoo likened to Herbal Essence and conditioned it with Dove’s moisturizing conditioner.  It started to look even better than normal!  Then I ran out and had to switch back to Suave.  And now it’s back to its old self.  Proof enough, I think.

16. I have a pretty face.

17. My eyes kick ass.  They change colors.  All shades of blue but some really kick ass shades.  They’ve been deep violet, steel gray, teal, sky blue, green… and all with a dark rim of navy that never changes.  I love them.

18. I’ve got nice tits and a really hot cunt.

19. I’m not one of those sissy bitches who can’t take a punch.  A few years ago some bitch sucker punched me and gave me my first nose bleed and my head didn’t even rock back.  I just sort of stared at her for a moment before pummeling the fuck out of her.  When Master hits, I feel it.  And I still stand there and wait for it.  Cause if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s a pussy.

20. I’m not a pussy but I choose my battles wisely.

21. I’m funny and I know how to have a good time.

22. I try to see the good in all things that are not me.  But I’m working on seeing the good things in me, too.

23. I actually enjoy sex.  I love all things sexual.  Toys and lubes and whips and chains and fucking machines and cocks and pussies and tits and asses…  You wouldn’t know it from how I’ve been acting.  I’m not really sure what caused the change.  But I’m damn sure gonna figure out how to change back.  Cause I miss being that happy with my sexuality.

24. I know what my faults are and I’m making an effort to change.  Not because anyone else wants me to.  But because I want me to.

I guess that’s it.  Now I feel super conceited.  But I guess it’s time I start recognizing the things that I know are awesome about me.

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  1. June 27th, 2009 at 13:25 | #1

    You shouldn’t feel conceited; that was a great list and all true! Your Master is lucky to have you, really. I’ll bet he knows that, too. 🙂

    You forgot to say you’re a softie way down inside too. 😉 (YES YOU ARE!)

  2. June 27th, 2009 at 16:35 | #2

    @Amber Lol I am. It sucks. But it’s true.

  3. June 27th, 2009 at 21:16 | #3

    That was one helluva awesome list! So please you did it and you should be proud those are some pretty damn awesome things to fell good about *hugs* xxx

    P.S. You are a beautiful person

  4. June 29th, 2009 at 06:47 | #4

    @vanimp Thanks, Vanimp. 🙂

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