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Back to Square One

June 18th, 2009

I feel like I’m starting over from the beginning.  Like the past six years meant jack shit and I’m just now starting to really comprehend what it means to be a slave.  The knowledge is still there, but all the questions that keep coming up are things I should have had answers to ages ago and didn’t, or did and chose to ignore them, because I had my head firmly implanted in my ass.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.  On the one hand, I want to be really proud of myself for finally getting back on track.  On the other, I feel like a complete moron and want to chalk it up as one more failure.

A ton of stuff is changing.  In me, I mean.

I mentioned my focus.  But it’s more than that.

I’ve always been a very selfish person.  I usually don’t want to do anything if it doesn’t benefit me in some way.  And things like “Cleaning benefits me because I’ll have a clean house.” or “Sucking Him off benefits me because He’s pleased.”?  Yeah, that just didn’t cut it. 

The past week or so, my focus has been 100% on what He wants, what He needs, what’s best for Him.  There have been numerous times what I wanted was the exact opposite of one of those things.  What I felt I needed clashed completely with something He needed.  And I didn’t even so much as make a face.  Didn’t even have to talk myself out of getting irritated or upset.  I just did what was required of me.

I’m getting out of my own head.  Instead of sitting and stewing in my thoughts, I tell Him everything that’s going through my mind.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I’ve been honest with Him, and with myself, just how deep and dark my self-loathing is.  And I’ve begun the process of working through my problems and changing, rather than throwing a pity party.

I’m recognizing my addiction for what it is and trying to pull myself out of the spiral.  I’m addicted to being miserable.  And I will find any minuscule thing to latch onto and turn into something massive and painful and torturing.  Because I was miserable my whole life until I met Master.  I’ve never known anything else.

And I’ve finally realized that I can’t be happy because I won’t let myself be.  I don’t feel like I deserve it.  But, god damn it, I do deserve it.  I’ve been punishing myself, and my owner, for things that are/were out of our control for far too long.

But what’s most shocking – and I’ve probably talked about it too much already but it really is shocking – is the sudden change in behavior and attitude.  Neither of us can fathom it.

In the past, getting me in line has always taken serious work on both our parts.  Intense training and severe punishment and constant micromanagement.  Nonstop reminding and prodding and threatening.

There’s been none of that.

It’s great.  Don’t get me wrong.  We’re both settling into this new and improved slave I’m turning into quite nicely.  But we’re worried that, without knowing where it’s coming from, we won’t be able to reproduce it should the need arise.  With how my mood and personality both turn on a dime, we’re too jaded to believe this good behavior is here to stay.

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