Home > rayne > Reward for Service? Part Deux

Reward for Service? Part Deux

June 17th, 2009

excellentserviceaward1I thought I’d expand on Reward for Service? a bit.

When I say I expect a reward for my service, I don’t mean I expect Him to come home with flowers every day or flog me to beautiful, bursting orgasms or allow me to choose dinner or anything like that.  I just mean an occasional, “You did a good job, slave.” here and there.

Or like the other day when He was picking on me about being on point for an extended period of time for once.  He kept saying, “What ever will we do if you suddenly are Super Slave?  How will I justify beating you?”  He wasn’t being mean-spirited.  He was letting me know He’d noticed I’d stepped up my game.  Letting me know He was pleased without making a huge deal about something I should be doing anyway.

Or even just being able to watch Him relax when He walks through the door knowing there’s nothing He has to talk to me about or have me do.  Listening to His breathing slip quickly and easily into that deep, even pattern that eventually becomes soft snoring because, whatever happened at work, I made His evening better. 

Knowing that He is pleased and that He appreciates and notices my service is important to me.  It always has been.  It always will be.  And it’s the only reward I need.

Kaya asked:

Is it that you don’t value your submission? If you don’t, how can you believe that he does?

Maybe those expectations of reward are better described as explicit expressions of being worthy?

And I’ve been turning the questions over and over in my mind.

I don’t value anything about myself.  I believe I am a waste of space.  I always have.  And making other people happy has always been my way of redeeming myself.  Doing things to elicit praise from other people has been the only way for me to view myself in any sort of positive light for as long as I can remember.

I trust Master.  I believe in Him with every fiber of my being.  I don’t do it blindly.  We’ve been through a lot.  So when He tells me His feelings, I trust Him to tell me the truth.

But in short, I think you’re right, Kaya.  I think it is me looking for my worth rather than a reward.

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  1. June 18th, 2009 at 06:08 | #1

    “I don’t value anything about myself. I believe I am a waste of space. I always have.”

    That makes me so sad. 🙁

    In time, given that you trust him and believe that he will tell you the truth, maybe hearing that praise will erase that “waste of space” mentality and replace it with believing in your worth. Even if that worth is entirely wrapped up in being his, which, considering the lives we lead, is not a bad thing at all.

    And I think that once you really do believe it, though you’ll enjoy hearing that praise no less than you do now, you won’t *need* it. You’ll already know.

  2. June 18th, 2009 at 07:44 | #2

    @kaya I’m sure you’re right. It’s better than it used to be, though, and that is 100% due to being with Him and knowing that I mean something to Him. So I can only imagine that eventually I’ll have some sort of sense of self-worth. If only, like you said, because He values me.

  3. June 18th, 2009 at 10:43 | #3

    I’m glad it’s better than it used to be, good for you. Keep working, you’ll get better the more you work on it. Remember, would this man you look up to and worship so much care so deeply for someone who was a “waste of space”?

    That’s kind of putting him down, isn’t it? To suggest he would be so stupid as to do that?

    He treasures you, so learn to treasure yourself. 🙂

  4. June 20th, 2009 at 15:04 | #4

    @Amber If only it were that easy. But thanks. 🙂 I’m sure it will only continue to get better.

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