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Archive for May, 2009

Reality or Illusion?

May 21st, 2009 Comments off

There’s a discussion on FetLife about whether our slavery is real or an illusion. It’s getting pretty heated because people in these relationships tend take offense to the slightest hint that what they’re doing might be make believe. And I’m reminded of the timeless quote, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” Hamlet Act 3, scene 2, 222-–230

Here’s my thing.

While I’m sure we’d all love for society to accept our way of life, the vocal majority still maintains that we’re fucked in the head and need to be saved from ourselves. Sadists and masochists. Masters and slaves. Dominants and submissives. We live the way we do, enjoy the things we do because we’re not wired right.

Forget that the shrinks have all finally taken sadomasochism of the mental illness list. That was only the first step.

In most places, society still hasn’t taken the next step. And that would be making consent a defense in cases of women who claim abuse after begging to be beaten. Read more…

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Scared Stiff: Insecurities

May 19th, 2009 Comments off

I’m ridiculously insecure. There. I said it.

Yeah, yeah. You already knew. I’m always babbling about my self esteem issues and yada, yada, yada. But today, I’m going to talk about all the ways it affects me.

1) I won’t beg. Not ever. Not in the conventional sense of the word. I think I suck at it and look stupid and sound stupid. But most of all, I’m terrified that after all that… after putting myself out there and acting all humble and begging for what I want, I’ll be told no. And to me, that sounds like rejection. It sounds like “You’re not good enough.” And it’s more than I can handle most of the time.

2) I have trouble making friends. I manage to convince myself that none of them are really my friends and they talk to me for some unknown reason that I can’t fathom. Some ulterior motive. Like maybe they think if they don’t talk to me all our mutual friends won’t talk to them. Or something.

This leads to ridiculous paranoia. I worry about what people are saying or doing behind my back, what they really think about me, what they’re saying I said, what they’re saying I did… Most of all what they’re using me for. Read more…

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Gratitude and Happiness

May 16th, 2009 Comments off

I have a really bad habit of only expressing the negative. I think I assume He knows the positive stuff. That I don’t have to tell Him.

Recently, I’ve been making an effort to tell Him when I’m happy. When I’m having fun. When things are good.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping to accomplish except to show Him that I am grateful. That I’m happy. That I enjoy being owned by Him. I think that’s important.

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Me and My Big Mouth

May 15th, 2009 Comments off

Was it really me who sat on the floor clinging to His leg and whispered up to Him with tears in my eyes, “I think the week in May is a good idea. For all the reasons you do.”? Did I do that? Me?

Cause, you know, the week in May is a week away. And it’s actually a week and two days.

Was that really me?

Oh god. It was.

Anyone got a space for a little slave girl? I won’t take up much room and I’ll eat scraps.

(And before anyone thinks differently, I’m joking about needing a hiding spot. Mostly.)

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Anais Nin

May 15th, 2009 Comments off

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh god, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling… but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” ~Anais Nin

Since the first time I found this quote I’ve been avoiding putting it up like the plague. Because everyone and their sister has it in their blog somewhere. And I don’t make a big deal of it, but I try not to be a follower.

But when it comes right down to it, if something is true for you – really, really true… not just true because everyone else says it’s true – then you’re not following. Not really. So here it is.

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Asshat? Who me?

May 14th, 2009 Comments off

I’ll be the first to admit I can be kind of an asshat. I’m pretty ridiculous when it comes to my standards for women. Seriously.

So I’m sitting here pouting because I’m going through the few groups I’ve found on FetLife that are for people in our area and… the women are not living up to my standards. I mean no offense! Honest! I just have weird standards.

For example, if it’s left up to me, I won’t have anything to do with a woman (beyond friendship, I mean) if she has a fucked up nose. I can’t exactly describe what a “fucked up nose” is. And I don’t think I currently have any friends with fucked up noses or I’d show you a picture of a fucked up nose. I just know it when I see it. A fucked up nose is a deal breaker.

And I don’t really want a “chain sister” who’s over 40. I’m sure there will be exceptions. And it’s got nothing to do with whether or not we’ll have anything in common. From ages 19-22, my best friend was 49-52, so I know that’s not the case. I just… guess I want someone closer to my own age. Read more…

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