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Emotional Blackmail

May 30th, 2009

We’ve all done it. We get into a fight with our significant other (be it in a vanilla relationship or not) and when things get heated the emotional blackmail comes into play. What started as a small disagreement suddenly turns into a relationship killer because one of the parties uses things such as “Then I’ll just leave and you won’t have to deal with me anymore!” or “I don’t want to be with you anymore, happy now?”.

The sad thing is that most times when these types of things are said it’s not something the one who said it is even considering. It’s just a heat of the moment type of utterance that can be one of the most long term damaging things someone in a relationship can do. More after the jump.

I used to go through this with rayne, even after she became my slave. We were both guilty of it. We would start arguing about something tiny (work, hers and mine, was a common topic). Before we knew it either she was saying she didn’t want to be a slave anymore, or I was standing at the door threatening to leave. In our relationship, this kind of reaction on both of our parts had lasting consequences that have not been easy to repair.

I’m guilty, being the Master, for allowing arguments to continue to that level, and that was something I had to accept and deal with internally. Unfortunately, being in control of another human being doesn’t mean that you have the right to just switch it off when things get tough. In fact, those are the times dominants need to be even more consistent and not allow the heat of the moment to damage an otherwise good relationship.

Lets face it, everyone fights. It’s part of being in a relationship. You can not live closely with someone for many years and expect to never have an argument. It’s more important how you deal with the situation. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be striving for a 24/7 blissful relationship, but that you need to handle it correctly when it’s not so blissful.

After going back and forth many times in arguments with rayne, we finally hurt each other enough where we had to talk about it and say enough is enough. We know it’s impossible to never get irritated with someone you’re living with, but we can absolutely control how we react to it. We had to decide that no matter how pissed off we get, we were going to stay away from emotional blackmail and threatening to leave. It wasn’t a real threat on either of our parts, so it was also lying, and no good relationship can be based on lies.

I, also, had to come to terms with the fact that ultimately I am in control. This can be a little bit of a mindfuck for some people because they assume since they’re in control they can act however they please. This is true, but as I’ve tried to explain before, the fact you can do something doesn’t mean you should. By accepting responsibility for another human being’s welfare, certain responsibilities come into play. This means staying in your chosen role when things get tough and trying to be consistent.

We do still occasionally get into arguments, and rarely we will say things we don’t mean, but on the whole we’ve put those types of games behind us and it’s allowed us to communicate better. On the rare times things do get out of hand, it ultimately comes down to me to get us out of that rut. Sometimes it’s as simple as reminding each other that we’re pissed but still love each other. Sometimes, when rayne is unable to control herself, more drastic measures are needed (such as grabbing her forcefully by the hair and pushing her fact to the floor at my feet). Either way, it can’t be left to spiral out of control.

So, if you are sure about being with each other, do whatever it takes not to resort to emotional blackmail. Slaves, trust me when I say it’s better to get out of line by calling your Master an asshole than it is to (falsely) tell your Master you no longer want his collar simply because you’re pissed off.

If, however, you actually do feel that way sometimes, it’s time to sit down and have a good talk. People should not be attempting a D/s relationship (especially between husbands and wives) if they’re not sure they even want to be with each other.

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