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Update: Week in May

May 28th, 2009


This week was supposed to be a week of retraining and micromanagement. Lots of punishment and conversation and bondage and brainwashing.

And I dreaded it. Right up to the very moment Master came home Friday evening.

I was petrified of how hard on me He’d be and how emotional it was going to be and what things would be like when we came out the other side.  And then He came home Friday night and took me to the convenience store to grab a couple 20oz Smirnoffs (though I ended up buying Parrot Bay Mojito instead… good stuff!).  We sat on the couch all comfy cozy and drank our bottles and watched South Park.

Yes.  South Park.  It’s funny.  Shut up.

I didn’t even cook that night.  He did.  He made beef and vegetable curry.  Well, okay I made the rice. Minute rice. Which requires boiling water, pouring in rice and letting it sit for five minutes.  So… I didn’t even cook that night.

That’s when the nagging thought of “Just one more thing He said He’s going to do that’s going to be pushed to the wayside.” started eating at the back of my mind.

I haven’t really talked about it before because I don’t think it’s my place to point out His faults.  Inconsistency has been one He’s struggled with since the beginning, though.  Usually because by the time He’s able to follow up on things He’s said He’s going to do, He’s so utterly exhausted He’s lucky if He can concentrate on TV, much less training His property.

And I knew that He was going to need a day or two to recuperate.  He’s been working 10-16 hour days since last September and at least 4 hours on His days off.  And this is His vacation, after all.  So I shrugged off being treated like a wife on Friday and just enjoyed having a night of completely uninterrupted time with Him.

Saturday was more of the same.  We finished up working on His new pet project (a blog for news that pisses us off, mostly, but also stuff that’s just plain interesting) and then got busy revamping (read: making it look almost exactly like it did a few years ago) Insatiable Desire.

He chained my ankle to the couch for a little while, but mostly I roamed the house freely and worked on the website.  I played a few games to keep my eyes from crossing and talked to a few of my friends and basically just chilled.  And it was awesome.  Relaxing and fun.  I love working on projects like that with Him.

But I won’t lie.  By Monday I was disappointed.  And no amount of reminding myself “This is what pleases Him.” was helping.

The other night, He said He was going to beat me every night and chain me to the bed to remind me of my place.  And then… didn’t.  And let me tell you, am I a royal bitch.  Because when He said He was going to beat me every night I was all, “But I’m behaving!  Great way to reinforce positive behavior!”

Not out loud, mind.  I do still have at least half a brain.  Honest.

Then He said to me, “I know you’re disappointed because I haven’t done what I said I was going to.  But you’ve been good.  I really can’t see beating you for being a cunt when you’re… not being a cunt.  And as for chaining you up at night, I can’t use that chain.  One of two things will happen.  It’ll get caught between the bed and the wall and destroy the wall or it will cut your foot off. The idea was to remind you of your place, not dismember you.”

And I felt like an asshole.  Because just the fear of this week was enough to improve my behavior and He was acknowledging that rather than punishing me anyway.

So I’m not disappointed anymore.  I’d kill for an ass-beating, and I’m probably going to get one because yesterday I was hella mouthy.  I’m dying to sleep chained. Have been for years. And tonight I’ll get my wish because He found a smaller chain that won’t destroy the wall or chop my foot off.

But I learned something this week.  I learned that my plan will not always match His.  And His is what we’ll follow.  And He knows what He’s doing because He’s been molding me for almost seven years.  So I need to stop being so damn critical and just go with the flow.

This is what pleases Him.  And when He’s pleased, I’m pleased.  And hell… we’ve still got three and a half days left.  Plenty of time for playing.

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  1. cinnamon
    May 28th, 2009 at 16:15 | #1

    I’m glad that you have been having a good week despite the negative emotions. I know the topic has come up at least once, but seriously, I’m positive the 3 of us have done little but focus on ID, which looks super awesome! *big pats on the back for us*
    I also know the topic has come up for me as well, though I’m not sure I came to the same conclusion as you have, until now.
    I know for me when I get like that I just lash out, and become a world class cunt immediately, but Master hasn’t ever put me in my place to remind me of where I need to be yet. Hopefully, I can do my best to come around on my own.

  2. May 28th, 2009 at 17:01 | #2

    @cinnamon Yeah, well… It’s really not easy taking your hands off the wheel and saying, “Okay. Fine. You drive.” when you think you know for a fact that your way is right and they’re just drunk or sick or something. When you’re pretty convinced that, with you at the wheel, you’ll get where you’re supposed to be going.

    And take your hands off the wheel *and* cover your eyes? Are you nuts??!? Then you won’t be able to tell them when they’re going the wrong way!!

    And sometimes, like with me, it becomes a “Fine. Have it your way. I’m leaving it the fuck alone.” thing before it becomes a “Oh. Yeah. You’re right. It’s your decision.” thing. And even though I get to the same place – surrendering to His will – the latter should be the route I take.

  3. cinnamon
    May 28th, 2009 at 18:32 | #3

    @rayne You always manage to put things in a way that I can understand, and that’s why I love you! Perfect description!

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