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Shutting Me Up

May 26th, 2009

So.

Master’s hella stronger than me.  Hella stronger.

We were getting into crazy fights every Monday.  And I wasn’t telling Him what was bothering me and when I’d finally tell Him, He was pissed.  Or I was wicked disrespectful. Or something.

This one day we were fighting over god knows what.  I wouldn’t shut up.  He punched me in the back.

A few moments later, I was screaming again and He pinned me by the throat to the wall.

Not long after that, I started again.  I sat on the bed basically calling Him a liar and telling Him where to stick it.

I honestly cannot recall what the fight was about.  It degenerated into one of those “Well, now that you mention it…” fights everyone has once in a while.  You know the kind.  Where you start out fighting about the color outfit you have on and end up arguing about which one of you loathes the other more.

Only we never get to the loathing part.  He has the good sense to knock me on my ass before I say words I won’t mean but can’t take back.

This is about when He grabbed a fistful of my hair on either side of my head and pulled my face really close to His.  I tried to pull away but I couldn’t move.

I need those days sometimes.  I get so overwhelmed and unbelievably panicked that I feel like if He doesn’t knock me on my ass I’m gonna self-destruct and take the whole house with me.

I don’t understand not living this way.  I’ve been living this way my whole life, I think.  Pushing people to force me to behave.  Make me shut up.  It’s just…  who I am.

Master doesn’t like it.  It hurts His feelings, hitting me out of anger.  Choking me out because closing my windpipe is literally the only way to make the words stop.

But it feeds something in me.  A hunger that otherwise goes unsated.  And it leaves me feeling a peace I can’t achieve otherwise.

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  1. May 27th, 2009 at 10:41 | #1

    I understand the urge. But for us, Dan disciplining me that way didn’t work out. Made *me* feel better. For a while at least. I would feel all blissed out and at peace. But it made him feel bad, like your husband. And created a endless loop for me. Where I needed it again and again and more and more. We had to stop all that.

    I’m not saying you guys should stop it; just saying that’s what happened with us and we’re not you and you’re not us. 🙂

  2. May 27th, 2009 at 10:58 | #2

    @Amber I could see that happening. I kinda hope it doesn’t here. But at the same time, learning to control my outbursts myself would be rockin’ awesome. We’ll see what happens, I guess.

    I totally forgot that I have a reply button now. this new layout’s gonna take some getting used to. But I adore it.

  3. May 28th, 2009 at 11:09 | #3

    It seems to go two ways in couples I’ve read about where the Dom doesn’t like doing it so much but the sub cannot help it/looks for it; the cycle either becomes part of the dyanamic and everyone relaxes about it or there is a really bad blow up over it at some point and the sub has to learn to stop doing it.

    With us we had a bad blowup and I finally realized Dan truly means it when he says wants me to submit his will. He doesn’t enjoy disciplining me if he thinks I can control myself or otherwise handle it on my own. He wants to do it only if we’re having fun with it or if I’m truly lost and incapable of controlling myself because of outside pressures.

    I’ve slowly learned to control my outbursts with help from Dan. Verbal help, reminding me of my place. If I continued to act out, he will simply ignore me.

    Ignoring me worked better than *anything*, lol. It’s the WORST! Worse than anything else he can do, I will actively avoid that at all costs, ahahahaha! Seriously, withdrawing his attention from me sucks the most. I can’t stand that.

  4. cinnamon
    May 28th, 2009 at 11:32 | #4

    @Amber I totally understand what you mean. I absolutely hate it when I’m ignored, and I’ve mentioned it to Master, but He hasn’t tried out the technique as of yet.

  5. May 28th, 2009 at 17:19 | #5

    @Amber Ignoring me would drive me insane, too. But… at this point, only if I’ve come around to realizing I’m fucking up. If I haven’t, I just sit there thinking at Him “How dare you ignore me! You’re the one who’s wrong!” Cause… I’m sort of a bitch. I’m working on it.

    @cinnamon Master almost never incorporates punishments I suggest unless and until He thinks they might do me some good. He says if I’ve suggested them that means the idea doesn’t bother me that much. If it doesn’t bother me, then it won’t do any good.

    He’s right, too. When I read about a punishment that freaks me out, I pray He won’t see it and I don’t mention it.

  6. cinnamon
    May 29th, 2009 at 08:49 | #6

    @rayne See, I’m the total opposite, I’ll point anything out that I think will truly help me, because I really want Him to help me change.

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