Archive for May 19th, 2009

Scared Stiff: Insecurities

May 19th, 2009 Comments off

I’m ridiculously insecure. There. I said it.

Yeah, yeah. You already knew. I’m always babbling about my self esteem issues and yada, yada, yada. But today, I’m going to talk about all the ways it affects me.

1) I won’t beg. Not ever. Not in the conventional sense of the word. I think I suck at it and look stupid and sound stupid. But most of all, I’m terrified that after all that… after putting myself out there and acting all humble and begging for what I want, I’ll be told no. And to me, that sounds like rejection. It sounds like “You’re not good enough.” And it’s more than I can handle most of the time.

2) I have trouble making friends. I manage to convince myself that none of them are really my friends and they talk to me for some unknown reason that I can’t fathom. Some ulterior motive. Like maybe they think if they don’t talk to me all our mutual friends won’t talk to them. Or something.

This leads to ridiculous paranoia. I worry about what people are saying or doing behind my back, what they really think about me, what they’re saying I said, what they’re saying I did… Most of all what they’re using me for. Read more…

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