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SJP#347: Advice for a Newbie

May 7th, 2009

What would you tell someone new who is starting a journey similar to your own?

Sometimes I try to avoid newbies. I know… I know. But, occasionally, it gets tiring saying “Suck it up, Buttercup.” over and over. And even more so when you can see, from the beginning, that they’re going to get too frustrated with the whole thing and give up. It’s like, why waste my time, you know?

Once in a while, though, I see something in them that resonates with me. That reminds me of me in the beginning. And I think, just maybe, this one is worth helping.

I know. I’m a horrible person.

What would I tell them?

None of this is written in stone.

It’s about what makes you and your partner happy. What you and your partner can live with. Not what makes Joe Blow in Connecticut happy.

Know yourself. And if you don’t already, at least make an effort to learn who you are.

Research what interests you as well as what doesn’t. Take what you read with a grain of salt.

Talk to other people who do it, but form your own opinions. Listen to their advice, send it through your personal BS filter and decide for yourself what’s right for you.

Dream big but start small. You can always add to it. It’s difficult, though, to take something back once it’s done.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Don’t give up.

Go easy. On yourself and on your partner. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Don’t sweat the small shit.

Make a list of what you want and expect to gain from your relationship. Preferably hand written, in a notebook, in pencil and readily available for you to add to it – or erase things – as you go along.

Don’t commit to anything you’re unsure of.

Don’t, for any reason, make promises you can’t keep. If you’re not sure, say so.

Communicate. As often and as well as possible. If this means keeping a journal, do it.

Be honest. With yourself and your partner. About everything. All the time. No matter what.

Stand up for yourself and what you believe in but remain within the boundaries of your agreed upon dynamic when you do.

Express your thoughts, feelings and opinions. Regularly, openly and respectfully.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Ask for a safe word, if you feel the need, and don’t be afraid to use it.

Know your limits and express them. And when you find a new one, don’t be afraid to say so.

Don’t be afraid to push your limits. And to speak up when you’ve pushed too far.

Know what’s expected of you. And when something changes, ask for time to adjust.

Admit when you’re wrong. Even if it’s only because you changed your mind or learned something new about yourself.

Take your lumps as they come. Gratefully, if possible. No one – not even your partner – *has* to take the time to teach you.

Keep a journal and occasionally go back and read what you wrote the month before. Take note of how you’ve grown and what you need to work on.

Work on yourself. No one else can change you.

When things get rough, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Breathe. Then think of the solution, not the problem.

No one’s perfect. Not me. Not you. Not even Mother Theresa.

Life happens. Take it in stride.

And last, but certainly not least: Suck it up, Buttercup. You signed up for this.

prompt found at SubmissiveGuide

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