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Unselfish for a Day

April 23rd, 2009

I talked about a bizarre reaction the other day. Okay it was like a week ago. I gotta find a way to keep up with my blog when Master’s home.

I didn’t want to go into detail. I figured it wouldn’t last long. And it didn’t. A couple days at most.

It’s not that I don’t want to keep it up. It’s more that I forget I was doing it and stop. I haven’t forgotten the emotions behind it, though.

After the last time I was in serious trouble, I had a major attitude adjustment. I mean, the likes of which I’ve never seen.

I’m extremely selfish. I don’t apologize for it. I try to curb it but it doesn’t always work.

I know… I know… A selfish slave? What’s wrong with me, right? I never claimed to be perfect, here, guys. Really.

After my last beating, it was like the light of the promise of perfection shined down on my head and I was healed.

Okay not really. But I was being less selfish for a little while. Not caring about what I wanted to be doing and sitting on the floor next to Master of my own free will was a huge first step. And then I stopped.

I’m not really sure why I stopped. If it really is just that I forget I was doing it or if I just had other things I wanted to do. But I’m kicking myself for it.

And I can’t say “I’ll start again tonight!” Because in Raynespeak that means “I won’t start again tonight!” Without fail, when I say I’m going to do something with regard to my slavery that I don’t have to do, I don’t do it. I’m an asshole that way.

At least I admit I’m an asshole, I guess. Ah well.

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