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Master’s psychic!

April 11th, 2009

So I’ve got welts on my ass and they’re not the fun kind. But I needed it. It’s been ages. My behavior was starting to show how long it had been.

I could have asked for another week when I realized my period was going to start. He probably would have said no, but I could have asked! At least then He would have known that I wasn’t sure I could handle both. Instead, I figured I’d just quit like us quitters do.

And I’m okay. Really. Yesterday I could have sat down and smoked a whole friggin’ pack in five minutes. But I’m okay.

Five days under my belt and counting. I don’t see it as an accomplishment for me, though, so much as an accomplishment for Him. All I have to do is obey. That part’s usually easy. The hard part is dealing with how bitchy and emotional I am. And He’s handling it like a champ.  

My problem yesterday, as it almost always does, started with my mouth. Master had been telling me for three days to watch my tongue and for three days I ignored Him. And from there it escalated.

Our conversation (read: argument) was all over the place. From me being deferential to dominant men to the difference between what I say when talking about my slavery on line and how I actually act. It seems, through willful ignorance, I’ve been confused for some time.

If I’m to be honest, I’m not really sure why I have an issue with being deferential to dominant men. It could be because it’s not popular among my friends and their owners and I don’t like being odd man out. It could be because for so long I’ve been under specific orders not to. It could be, as I told Master, because I am not really interested in being deferential to the self-proclaimed “master” who allows his “slave” to lead him around by his dick (Not that we currently involve ourselves with any of those, but we’ve known some in the past). It could be all of the above.

Master asked why I defer to Him. He said I at least try to lead Him around by His dick, whether it works or not, and I still defer to Him. Sometimes.

I don’t call Him “Master” often at all. Most of the time, His orders are met with “Okay.” And if He’s lucky, I’ll go do it as soon as He says something. More often than not, though, I finish what I’m doing and then… Ask Him what it was He told me to do.

He was right. I am a shit slave.

And I think I’ve gone backwards. But I’m being brutally honest with every thought that comes into my head! That’s a plus, right? *sigh*

He told me I’m a shit slave and I got defensive. I was already curled up against the wall in His office (This started and finished, with nothing left to deal with but the punishment, at His job. We were the only ones there.) with my knees against my chest and my arms wrapped around my legs. Defeated. And with the last of my strength, I spat at Him, “Then why don’t you just take the fucking collar off.”

And that screwed my courage to the sticking point. And suddenly the fire was back. But the argument wound down from there.

I told Him I was never getting on the computer again. I didn’t even qualify it by saying I’d be on AIM to talk to Him and do my morning tasks. I said, “Well, in that case, I’m never getting on the computer again. For any reason. Period.”  As if that would somehow fix what we were arguing about. Or He would allow it. Or I would even stick to it.

I was even trying to figure out how I was going to ask my friends for their phone numbers. And I hate phones.

I don’t remember how it ended. I’m sure it was me finally realizing how badly I was fucking up and backing down.

I know at some point He told me to start backpedaling and I got all indignant and started defending my position harder. Sort of a “I’ll tell you when I’m finished.” attitude. But I knew I was sunk and I did, in fact, start backpedaling. And talking to Him about the things I took issue with rather than arguing with Him about them.

I still pull teenybopper arguing tactics. You know what I mean, I’m sure. How a teen will take one word out of a statement made by the person they’re arguing with and fly off to another topic barely even related to try to deflect attention from their failings? Yeah, I do that.

Master used to get sucked in by my underhanded tricks. Now He calls me on them. It makes it really difficult to defend myself when He refuses to argue.

So I may be mature on Fet. But I am certainly not mature at home. Where I’m allowed to be me. And I take that little bit of rope and hang myself with it. And I try to hang Him in the process refusing to go down alone.

I asked Him a question. I don’t remember what, but He answered (and I’m paraphrasing at best), “You’re going to be punished with the cane. And then it’s over. And you’ll move on. And you’ll do what you’re supposed to and we’ll be happy. And then you’ll fuck up. And you’ll be punished. And we’ll move on and things will be good for a while and you’ll fuck up. But we’re gonna be fine.”

When we got home, He did punish me. I think twenty lashes with the cane. And I’m not sure He’s ever hit me that hard with it. He grabbed my hair and held me as bent as He could. I couldn’t get away. And believe me, I tried. I squatted. I stood up. I twisted away. And when He was finished I collapsed to the floor and clung to the couch wanting nothing more than to cling to Him but being afraid to touch Him.

He asked what I had to say for myself. I apologized and sobbed.

He asked, “Then shouldn’t your face be closer to my feet.”

Permission to touch Him. And I fell to His feet and wrapped my arms around His calves and sobbed.

I don’t think I’ve ever done that before.

And just like that, it was over.

He ordered me to get Him something to drink and sit on the floor beside Him. And I hugged His leg a moment before He told me He wanted to feel my mouth on His legs. And then I gave Him one hell of a blow job. And we’ve both been happy little jay birds since. Master’s psychic!

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