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Relationship “Shoulds”

March 17th, 2009

Deleted threads piss me off. I don’t care who did the deleting. The OP, the group owner, a mod, my best friend… It pisses me off. Especially when there is good advice in the thread. If you must moderate, delete the offending comments and instruct the participators to keep their comments on point.  But don’t delete the whole damn thread!

There was a thread on FL about a couple experimenting with a M/M/F threesome. At some point, a lot of debate on whether or not the OP was honorable in his post or in life began which had no place in the thread. Regardless of what really happened and whether or not the OP is honorable, the question is valid and the situation is one that arises often.

The basic gist…

A dom and his slave decide to involve themselves in a M/M/F threesome. Before the act, the dom tells his slave he wants her to “lose herself”. Pretend he isn’t there but he’ll be involving himself when he wants to. Basically, he wanted her to be as big of a whore as possible. To not let the fact that he was there allow her to hold back her desires. The slave obeys but, in the process, ignores her owner when he tries to get involved.

A lot of people got hung up on the details. Ripped apart the OP for being angry that his slave followed his orders. And then started going through his profile and past posts with the obvious intention of discrediting him.

But the details aren’t relevant to the question. At least, I didn’t think they were. Which is why I summed it up as best I could here and left out the parts that had nothing to do with the question, which was should the slave have been more aware of her owner’s frame of mind and acted accordingly.

There were a lot of people saying “She did what you told her to. You had no right to be angry.” I call bull shit.

No one goes into a threesome, no matter the persuasion of the relationship or any directives in place, expecting to be ignored. Hell… I’m a slave and I got pretty pissed off when Master and I had our first threesome (which was M/F/F) and I ended up a third wheel. It wasn’t intentional. The bed was too small and we were in weird positions. As soon as He realized I was getting frustrated, He did what He could to adjust. And afterward, things went smoothly.

Till it was time to send her home. I never know how to do that politely… lol. “Thanks for fucking us. Have a nice day!” just sounds… rude. 

But let’s go back to my example. Master owns me. I am His property. It is absolutely His right, should He so choose, to make me a third wheel in a threesome. And yet He remained aware of my body language and, through that, how I was handling things. And as soon as He realized I was getting annoyed, He adjusted the way things were going to include me.

My initial response was that the slave should have been aware of her dominant’s body language and adjusted how she was doing things to please him. I stand by my opinion. A slave’s duty is to her owner above all else. I don’t care what the order or dynamic is. She should be aware of changes in his mood and act accordingly.

Someone said:

Let’s agree that there are no “shoulds” beyond what that relationship at that time has decided.

To me saying “You should have known how I felt and done X” reeks of angsty teen mind reading crap.

Sure… in all else, I’ll gladly agree that there are no “shoulds” in BDSM relationships. It all comes down to dynamic and the people involved. But when it comes to how your SO is feeling… If you’ve been with someone for three months and you still can’t tell when they’re unhappy or don’t care enough to do something about it – especially when it’s a choice between pleasing some random guy or pleasing your SO – then you have no business being in that relationship to begin with. Regardless of the persuasion of the relationship.

Expecting your SO to watch your body language – which should be enough to indicate how you’re reacting to things – and try to “fix” whatever is causing you discomfort isn’t “angsty teen mind reading crap”. It’s how relationships are supposed to work. How people manage to coexist. And it takes almost no effort regardless the situation.

And you know what? I’m tired of walking on eggshells when it comes to talking about what should and shouldn’t happen in a BDSM relationship. A slave’s first concern, regardless of any orders she’s given, should be that her owner is pleased. I mean… sure, obedience pleases her owner. But…

I’m going to oversimplify things. Let’s say Master tells me He wants me to make Him a sandwich. He tells me He wants turkey and provolone with Dijonnaise on white bread. But He doesn’t explain to me how He wants me to put it together. Instead, He assumes I know. So I spread the Dijonnaise on both sides of the bread and put the bread between the turkey and cheese instead of the turkey and cheese between the slices of bread.

Did I obey Him? Sure. Was He pleased? Definitely not. Just obeying isn’t enough. I don’t care what anyone says. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that ignoring your partner in a threesome is going to leave them less than pleased.

My opinion would be the same if it had been a vanilla couple dabbling in threesomes. Both parties in the couple should be aware of how the other is handling things. Should be keeping an eye on their SO and making sure they’re still okay with how things are going. Anything less is a recipe for disaster.

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  1. March 19th, 2010 at 21:42 | #1

    I love this piece! It’s well thought out and has a certain confidence in it, that showcases what an intelligent woman you are!

    That’s not even the real reason I left this comment here though.

    Did you know that it is our first anniversary?

    Big fuckin kiss sugar! here’s to the best friend I could ever have!

  2. March 20th, 2010 at 10:35 | #2

    @cinnamon Aww Love you, Cin 🙂

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