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Consent to Nonconsent

February 17th, 2009

I think I’ve actually talked about consent to non-consent before. But I posted a question about forced sexual encounters on FetLife and wanted to talk about it again.

A commenter said:

And actually, no Dominant can force that. The sub/slave has the right, always to say NO to absolutely anything.


if one has agreed to do something, then it’s not “forced,” is it? The problem with this question is the whole idea of “forced.” There’s two options. You don’t want to do it, any way , shape or form. But you do it anyway because you have agreed to submit to that person, and have agreed to obey their commands. Still, it’s not “forced.” It’s the slave’s choice/decision to comply with their Master’s commands. If they don’t want to do it, say NO, then are made to do it against their will, after saying NO, then they are being forced. In that case, someone should be arrested, in my opinion.

I was excited, at first, seeing the part about it not being forced. I agree with that. If you’ve agreed to obey and then submit to something you really don’t want to do because you agreed to obey you’re not being “forced”, per se.

It’s the part about forcing a slave who gave up the right to say no to do something against her will being being worthy of a 911 call I have a beef with.

I know what society’s law says where I live. Consent is not a defense. BDSM is assault. No one can own another human being. Slavery is illegal. According to society, I have the right to walk away whenever I choose and if He attempts to take away that right by force or violence He can be (and will be, if He’s turned in) prosecuted. And if I hadn’t wholeheartedly and uncoerced given Him the right to force me to do things against my will, I would agree with that.

But by giving me the right to walk away whenever I choose, aren’t they also giving me the right to choose to stay against my will? By giving me the right to be free of persecution and chains, aren’t they giving me the right to take them upon myself should I so choose? By allowing me to be my own person, aren’t they, too, allowing me to become who my lover wants me to be?

And why is it wrong if I choose to do it by coercion, now that I’ve given consent to being coerced, instead of the way so many of us do it in “vanilla” relationships? 

Because many of us change who we are to fit our lover’s ideal in vanilla relationships. We can’t always thrive that way but we do it anyway. And then it’s considered “sweet” or “cute” or, in some cases, “the right thing to do”.

For me, being a slave isn’t about me. Sure, it feeds something in me and makes me feel complete and all the other “it” things slavery’s supposed to do these days. But once I let Him put His collar around my neck, it ceased being about all that and began being about Him. His desires. His perversions. His needs.

Making His life easier. Making Him happy. Taking care of Him.

What feeds Him doesn’t always feed me. What makes Him happy doesn’t always make me happy. And sometimes taking care of Him means letting taking care of me fall by the wayside.

Situations I want no part of come up on occasion. Things that, were I in a vanilla relationship, I’d sooner punch Him in the face than do them. And once or twice it has taken a good amount of coercion to get me to comply. To be honest, I’m not sure which either of us actually prefers.

He says He wants an obedient slave. But He enjoys forcing me to abide by His will more than I can put to words. I want to be an obedient slave. But I enjoy being forced to abide by His will more than I can put to words.

He becomes the hunter and I the hunted. And the thrill of Him conquering me in the end is erotic as hell. Regardless of how badly I wanted to opt out of the service.

By society’s rules consent to nonconsent isn’t legal or real or possible. But by our rules? We live by consent to nonconsent. I gave Him consent to do whatever He wishes with me. Including forcing me to so things I want no part of. And I’d be furious if someone turned Him in for using what I gave Him.

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