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State of the Relationship Address

February 5th, 2009 Comments off

I had an amazing idea for a blog entry last night but, as usual, forgot to write it down and can’t, for the life of me, remember what it was. So… here I sit trying to think of another one. You’d think I’d utilize the prompt page I found. Not today, though.

There’s a lot of talking going on between Master and me right now. About anything and everything that comes to mind regarding our relationship and our life together. Something we’ve really been concentrating on is my ability to express myself verbally without clamming up or lashing out. It’s not easy. For either of us. But I’m doing a lot better with it. So I guess that’s a plus.

I’ve mentioned my communication issues on FetLife on occasion. I don’t really go into why I have problems communicating and everyone seems to think that I’m afraid to talk to Him because of Him or because I am owned by Him. I get suggestions like “Ask Him for permission to speak freely.” and “Talk to Him about having a ‘free’ day where you can say whatever you want whenever you want.” and “Set up a time and place that’s ‘safe’ for you to express yourself without repercussions so you guys can air all your dirty laundry.”

My communication issues have nothing to do with Him.

Even before I left and we realized we had communication issues, I was allowed to say whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, all of the time. As long as I did it the “right way”. In other words, I’m required to maintain an even tone and be respectful. I’m not allowed to sling insults or name call. And I have to be realistic… not pull shit out my ass in attempt to prove Him wrong or at fault.

Oh, I tried to push some of it off on Him. With comments like “Every time I try to talk to you, you get mad!” and “If I express how I’m feeling and it doesn’t jibe with how you think I should be feeling, I get in trouble!” But in all honesty, that’s simply not true. My issues with communication run much deeper than that. Began much earlier than our relationship did.

While He did often get mad when I tried to talk to Him, it was usually because I was screaming at Him. Not talking. While occasionally He does tell me that my thoughts or feelings are wrong (i.e. built on misunderstandings or assumptions), I get in trouble because, instead of listening to Him and talking to Him, I scream at Him.  Read more…

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