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Rape Dreams

January 22nd, 2009

I have this recurring dream that I started having when I was somewhere around ten or eleven. Oddly enough, though the components of the dream are always horrific, I’ve never been too terribly disturbed by it aside from it completely destroying my sleep.

In the dream, I start by being faced with a wall of buttons. I think the buttons vary dream to dream but I can’t be sure. This time, the wall was made of beigey stone and the buttons were  square with the centers caved in, sort of like keyboard keys but different. They were different shades of brown and different textures.

The only importance the buttons hold in the dream is that they flip me from dream sequence to dream sequence. When each sequence is finished, I come completely awake, adjust positions and fall back asleep, where I’m promptly confronted with the wall of buttons again.

More often than not, the dream is what they call a [[lucid dream]], and last night was no different. I knew every time I woke up that I was going to be faced with that wall again. And every time I fell asleep I got the distinct impression that there was a button that would lead me out. I never found it. Eventually, just as I was about to press the last button, the alarm dragged me back to reality.

Every button leads to a different scenario. In each scenario, I’m a different age and am raped by a different person. Each rape is different. They’re all brutal. And, oddly enough, they’re never perpetrated by anyone I’ve ever actually been raped by. I fight back in some, just lay there in others. And when i wake up from this series of recurring dreams, I’m always soaking wet.

I wonder what that says about me. I wonder if I care.

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