Archive for January, 2009

Rant #54386928348

January 27th, 2009 Comments off

I haven’t ranted here in a while. I guess because all my rants come across as petty and whiny and I don’t like it! But a few things over at FetLife have been driving me nuts and… I’ve pretty much given up on starting threads there. So I figure I’ll bitch about them here.

1) No one ever reads the entire OP. Regardless of length or content. On pretty much every thread I’ve started or participated in there are at least 3 people responding to what they think the question is and not the actual question.

I started a thread just to see how many people felt the same way Master and I do (Sometimes I like not being the only one, you know? But if I am, I am. So what?). Knowing full well at least half the answers would be “This is what I’m supposed to say.” answers but hoping to get some honest ones, too. And I was sure to put in the post “This is not relationship based. I’m just wondering!” Yet I still got scores of advice either questioning how I could possibly be a slave (not in so many words – sometimes it’s just the tone) or explaining to me, step by step, how to handle the situation. Those last varied from “Get out! Now!” to “Make him listen!”

Pfft! Make Him listen. Yeah. Right. Read more…

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Rape Dreams

January 22nd, 2009 Comments off

I have this recurring dream that I started having when I was somewhere around ten or eleven. Oddly enough, though the components of the dream are always horrific, I’ve never been too terribly disturbed by it aside from it completely destroying my sleep.

In the dream, I start by being faced with a wall of buttons. I think the buttons vary dream to dream but I can’t be sure. This time, the wall was made of beigey stone and the buttons wereย  square with the centers caved in, sort of like keyboard keys but different. They were different shades of brown and different textures.

The only importance the buttons hold in the dream is that they flip me from dream sequence to dream sequence. When each sequence is finished, I come completely awake, adjust positions and fall back asleep, where I’m promptly confronted with the wall of buttons again.

More often than not, the dream is what they call a [[lucid dream]], and last night was no different. I knew every time I woke up that I was going to be faced with that wall again. And every time I fell asleep I got the distinct impression that there was a button that would lead me out. I never found it. Eventually, just as I was about to press the last button, the alarm dragged me back to reality.

Every button leads to a different scenario. In each scenario, I’m a different age and am raped by a different person. Each rape is different. They’re all brutal. And, oddly enough, they’re never perpetrated by anyone I’ve ever actually been raped by. I fight back in some, just lay there in others. And when i wake up from this series of recurring dreams, I’m always soaking wet.

I wonder what that says about me. I wonder if I care.

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It’s in His eyes…

January 21st, 2009 Comments off

Master stayed home yesterday, as I’m sure some of you guessed, so I didn’t do much besides play stupid flash games while He worked and clean house a bit. I had something in mind to write but I wasn’t exactly sure how I wanted to go about it so I mulled over it a while instead. I’m still not sure how I want to go about it and my blogging has been quite… lame lately so if this sucks, I apologize in advance. ๐Ÿ™‚

In any case, we did it again over the weekend. Only this time, He wouldn’t allow me any items of torture. Just my ribbed vibrator. Which was fine with me. About a half hour in, I didn’t want anything else anyway.

It was hours. I don’t remember what time we started. We ate dinner and then some time later ended up both poised on the couch with our hands massaging our respective bits. I remember that He didn’t finally fuck me until almost noon. I was allowed to cum after that. And not long after, He came all over my chest and stomach. I was mostly asleep at that point.

I still don’t know how to put into words what I was feeling.

I’ve always been a closed-eyes-girl during sex and making out and… well, everything exciting but roller coasters. I like to watch the track. And I always thought it was more fun, being a masochist, to close my eyes and not know when it’s coming. To be helpless against it.

The other night, my clit and pussy lips were begging to be left alone. I swear that vibrator rubs off skin. By the end of the night I hurt so bad I couldn’t even pee without yelping.

Master was trying to work His cock in and I did my best to hold still but it’s one of those pains that makes you want to jerk away, slam your legs shut, curl into a ball and beg to be left alone. So every once in a while, my legs would jerk toward each other and my hips would buck away. And then we’d have to start the whole process over.

And then He ran His finger over my clit. Gently at first, but even that brought grimaces and moans of pain. And then, more firmly, His fingers dragged over it and I cried out. For some reason, my eyes fluttered open and I began to study His face. On it there was a look I’d never seen before.ย  Read more…

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Grumpy Bear

January 15th, 2009 Comments off

I don’t know what it is with me in the morning lately. I mean, I’ve never really been a morning person anyway. But lately I wake up hella grumpy and, if I’m lucky, I’m fine by noon.

Ooo… I know! I’ll talk about competition!

So a few days ago, someone on FetLife posted something I feel pretty strongly about. And I almost didn’t respond because I’ve gone off on tirades about it before and only had to listen to submissives whine about how if they behaved the way I believe they should they’d be equivalent to a doormat.ย  And how they shouldn’t have to respond differently to some “self-proclaimed dom” than they would to anyone else.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the topic of discussion (that got over 500 on and off topic responses) is the way people of the submissive persuasion respond to dominants on forums.

If I’m to be honest, I’d have to say that, really, the way a lot of submissives respond to anyone who disagrees with them on one thing or another drives me nuts. It’s like we’re in some sort of competition to see who can be the biggest bitch. Cause, you know, if you hold a different opinion than I do, you must be the biggest ass hole in the world, right? Cause all the ways around here are my ways and I’m always right!

So I responded. Something about how submissives should be more conscious of their surroundings and shouldn’t be disrespectful to dominants just because they aren’t owned by them. I got the usual responses and I was asked about how dominants should treat submissives they don’t own and how other submissives should treat each other.

While I’m all for “Doms should be nice to us too!” I still say who the hell are we, as submissives, to set that rule? Where do we get off saying “I’m submissive! But you better be nice to me or I’m not gonna be nice to you!!”

And then I explained that I really don’t give a shit how submissives treat each other. I mean, so long as they’re not beating each other to a pulp without their owners’ permission, who cares? We’re a competitive bunch and sometimes competition leads to bickering.

Thus began the competition to prove we’re not competitive. My favorites were the ones who were adamant that they absolutely did not compete with other submissives and they viewed it as deconstructive to their lifestyle, and then would say “I never said I’m not competitive.” or “I never said competition was a bad thing.” That was when I stopped responding. Besides, Kaya was doing a way better job of fighting my battle than I was so I just sat back and watched. ๐Ÿ™‚

Being competitive is natural. Survival of the fittest isn’t just something we say to remind ourselves to better ourselves. It’s a way of life in the wild and it was a way of life for us before we invented all this technology to allow the unfit to survive.

But when people hear “competition” the picture that most often comes to mind these days is backbiting, backstabbing, and all out bitchy behavior. I’m not really talking about that competition. I’m talking more about the civil competitions of adding more flourish to your service (online or in real life), being more proactive, trying to be as pleasing as possible. And, personally, I see nothing wrong with it. And I’ve known a few doms who enjoy watching submissives scramble around them trying to be found the most pleasing.

Anyway, Zedd decided he wanted to be out of his cage and I’m having way more fun watching him tear up the cardboard on top of his cage than typing about competition. And I said pretty much all I wanted to say anyway.

*wavies* Have a great day!

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Self Bondage

January 13th, 2009 Comments off

I’m lame today. I couldn’t think of what it’s really called since I didn’t actually tie myself up or anything. Just hurt myself… a lot. And goodness was it hot. I had hoped He’d be inspired to write about it. It was so completely out of character for us. It’s looking like someone’s going to have to drop a bomb on Albany for Him to be inspired to write *pout*

So, I think I’ve mentioned before the many ways I discovered the fact that I’m a masochist but it’s possible I haven’t. Either way, I guess I can tell you a little bit about it before talking about how Master and I rang in the New Year. Though I guess it wasn’t actually New Year’s Eve. Anyway…

I don’t remember exactly how old I was. I was still wearing barrettes and bows, but I wore barrettes and bows all the way through my freshman year in high school. It was the only feminine thing I did growing up. I stopped when I realized only the cheerleaders wore bows.ย  But the barrettes served more than one purpose until I realized that clothespins work just as well. Barrettes, rubber bands, clipboards, objects small enough to fuck but large enough to hurt… anything I could find that would cause pain. I thought I was a freak (and maybe I am). I couldn’t imagine anyone being turned on like I was by pain. I’ve since learned otherwise, obviously.

So over the New Year weekend, Master and I were watching TV. I’m not sure what started it, but we began a lengthy (something like 12 hours… Don’t ask me how we managed it. I have no idea) mutual masturbation session. This is utterly bizarre for us. First, because Master doesn’t masturbate. At all. Ever. It wasn’t until just recently that He started touching His cock during sex at all aside from adjustments and putting it in and such. Second, because we’re almost always in a hurry. Hurry up and get off cause He’s gotta go to work. Hurry up and get off cause our show’s coming on. Hurry up and get off cause the dinner bell’s about to go off. You get the point.

That night, we had nothing but time. And after first telling me to just touch myself, He sent me for a toy. The clovers were already sitting on the arm of the love seat and there were paddles laying around. I wanted my nipples clamped something awful and started asking Him to do it. He told me no and then after a few minutes handed me the clamps. Handed me the clamps.ย  Read more…

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January 8th, 2009 Comments off

Someone shut off the damn snow already.

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