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My Take on Deity

December 30th, 2008

So I have a rant for FetLife but I figured I’d better get this done first. I’m tired and whiny and missing Master and all I want to do is curl up on the couch with my blankey and watch Maury or something. But I can’t. Because then I’ll fall asleep and then I can’t talk to Him on AIM while He’s at work.

There were a lot of epiphanies over the Christmas weekend. Some good. Some bad. Some down right depressing. And some pointed out by Master so I’m not sure they can really be called epiphanies.

I’ve heard mention a time or two of slaves viewing their owners as their gods. And I’m sure I’ve said it a time or two as well. I’m sure  it’s the same with everyone, but when I said it, I didn’t mean in the theological sense. He’s not astrophysical, can’t move mountains with His mind, doesn’t have any super powers of any sort. Or does He? *ponders last night’s romp in the hay*

This weekend pointed out to me one of the reasons I’ve become so disheartened and cynical. So… jaded. I don’t believe in any god.

I tried to deny it. To pretend that every logical bone in my body wasn’t telling me that it was all a hunk of lies. To hold on to the faith that was so focused on the Christian god when I was a child and then, once I realized I really could believe whatever I wanted and not just what my parents told me, moved on to a plethora of Pagan gods and goddesses.

It’s said that people need to believe in something bigger than them. To give them something to look forward to. To keep them from falling into the trap I’ve been locked in since I was twelve. Realizing that nothing that happens on Earth means anything in the grand scheme of things is too much for some of us to bear. Self included.

This weekend I realized that I… just don’t. I believe there are disembodied spirits running around. I believe that we can communicate with them if we just listen. But I believe they’re just like us. The only real difference being they can see how time flows and we, being trapped in mortal bodies, can’t.

I don’t know why I believe that. I guess mostly because I’ve had paranormal experiences that I can’t explain and this theory makes the most sense. But maybe the KAP downstairs is right and I am just crazy. Who knows, right?

This weekend my inebriated mind couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t deal with knowing there’s nothing out there waiting for us when all this is over. That, when it comes right down to it, all the suffering and bull shit we’ve been through (collective we – everyone’s been through something no matter how large or small) is for nothing.

And then Master asked why there has to be a god. A purpose. Why I need there to be a higher power. And really, I don’t need it. Don’t have to have it. I just hoped there was. I hoped there was a reason for all the “bad stuff”.

That’s when He told me He’s the only god I need. And the usual “Of course you’d say that, Master.” type thoughts didn’t come. Instead, little miss “Go get the fucking paddle.” said, “He’s right, you know. And wouldn’t things be so much easier if you believed it? Have a little faith in the one you begged to guide you.”

Since then (until today… I think I’m just under the weather today), there’s been a smile on my face. An extra spring to my step. And faith. Faith I’d lost the week I left. Faith I so desperately need to function.

Not just faith in us, though that’s a major part of it. But faith in everything.

And now it’s back. Refocused and stronger than it was before.

And you know what? In the grand scheme of things, it may all be for nothing. But I’m having a hell of a time. So who cares?

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