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I Don’t Know!

December 16th, 2008

“Life’s not fair, is it? You see, I… well, I shall never be king. And you? You shall never see the light of another day! Adieu.”

“Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?”

~Scar and Zazu, The Lion King

Yeah, I’ve been quoting movies lately. Not good quotes, either. Just ones I thought were cute.

“Mama always says life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

“Lieutenant Dan! Ice cream!”

~Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump

“That is fucked up, Daisy!”

~Lisa Rowe, Girl Interrupted

I got nothing. Really. Move along, now.

Unless you want to hear me babble about not feeling like a slave.

Me leaving did a lot more damage than I ever thought imaginable. There’s a lot of fear involved in finding our way again. On both our parts.

I’m terrified of letting myself become immersed in slavery again. I’m afraid we’ll go the same route, end up in the same rut, and then what do we do?

I won’t ever just leave like that again. It was wrong. Whether I’m a slave or not, it was wrong. I should have talked to Master and told Him how I was feeling. That I was suffocating. That things were traveling down dangerous paths and I was petrified. That things just plain weren’t going the way I expected and I didn’t like the way they were.

And He’s scared of pushing too hard. And me walking out the door again. And who can blame Him, really? I’ve already proven I’m capable. I’ve shown that I’d do it. And that’s just bullshit. Especially since our relationship was built on (among other things) the facts that a) neither of us believe that’s my place as a slave and b) we both never wanted to have that done to us again or do that to each other. 

I can excuse it away as much as I want but the fact still remains that I did this to us. And I’m still mixed up and scared. But I want this.

I guess I just need to get my head out of my ass. I’m so wishy washy all the time. I go from “I need this!” to “I’m not sure I want this.” in the blink of an eye and then can’t figure out why He won’t just beat me already!

He won’t just beat me already because I can’t even be straight with Him about how I feel about it. He won’t just beat me already because one day I’m begging for it and the next day I’m pissed off that He even suggested it. He won’t just beat me already because I keep grasping for control instead of grasping for Him when I get scared or depressed or nervous or tired or mad or whatever.

I don’t know how to do this. I really and truly do not know how to do this. And even though I know all relationships, D/s or vanilla, are a work in progress and no one really knows how to “do it”, it scares the bejesus out of me.

I’m used to being able to study things for a minute and then pull them off flawlessly. A female version of “The Pretender” wrapped up in a neurotic shell. And I don’t know how to do this. And I’m scared.

I guess the first step is admitting it.

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