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Pondering

December 4th, 2008

So let’s see. A blog post.

As time goes on it’s getting harder and harder for me to do this. This coming up with new ideas to babble about. I used to wander around on forums to see what everyone’s talking about and throw my opinion up here. But lately I’ve been throwing my two cents on the forums and ignoring this place. So you guys get all my little “realities” instead.

I need to go through and tag my posts at some point. Probably work on some of them today if I have time. Tried to search for an entry and realized that without tags that’s next to impossible.

Somewhere along the line I had this need bubble up to be viewed as a real person. A real person as opposed to “just a sex toy” or “just a slave”. It’s still there but it’s slowly diminishing.

I’m really not sure where it came from. Maybe too much outside influence and not enough M/s influence? Maybe I just needed to feel human for a little while? Who knows?

Lately, I’ve had a need to be put in my place. To be shown, once again, what it is to feel like a slave. To not be treated like porcelain.

I was reading old entries and wondering where the hell that girl went. The one who reveled in being what she was. Who loved every minute of doting and scraping and serving. Somewhere along the line, she started thinking “What about me?” And that’s when things got crazy.

I don’t think wanting to be happy is a bad thing. It’s human. And regardless of what we identify as we’re still human. And we still have the need to be happy. And sometimes what makes us happy changes. Especially with the laundry list of diagnonsense someone like me has.

Even though I have been diagnosed by more than one psychiatrist, I still haven’t decided if it’s real or just something I tell myself when I need an explanation for why my personality and moods change so much. Some days I get up in an excellent mood, nothing happens and suddenly I’m pissed off. “Normal” people don’t have that problem. Maybe I need to crawl out of my own head for a while and just concentrate on the things I need to be working on.

The biggest problem I have right now is I’m scared. Scared of going back to being what I was before and ending up in the same rut. Miserable. Suffocating. Desperately needing to feel human. And wishing for just one day I could take a break.

If I get a chance today after I’m finished with all He has for me to do, I’ll probably spend some time reading the things I used to read when I needed to get my head where it belonged. I haven’t done that in a while. I know lots of people are suddenly advocating against reading blogs and forums and articles to learn what BDSM is about and put your thinking in the right place, but I disagree. It’s always been rather helpful for me. Of course, I’m pretty good at filtering everything through my own personal bullshit filter. I know some people have trouble with that.

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