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Dos and Don’ts of Bad Situations

November 20th, 2008

So today on Fetlife there’s a discussion about polyamory that, having experienced a similar situation early in our relationship, really gets my panties in a bunch. And I had every intention of coming here all full of steam and ranting about it. Till I mentioned it to Master and realized He has a very different view. And while I don’t completely agree with His point of view, I understand where He’s coming from.

I know there are three sides to every story (yours, mine and the truth) and I’m willing to concur that there are probably important details being left out. But the basic gist is master moved in the exwife, exwife’s a bitch and slave can’t deal with it.

I won’t ever claim to get why people of every size and shape are willing to “just deal” with unnecessary discord in their home. I’m not talking about petty spats between spouses or children. I mean the knock down drag outs between a person who lives there permanently and a prolonged guest. But I didn’t come here to talk about the situation, per se. Well, I did originally and then changed my mind and decided to talk about how to handle difficult situations… from a slave’s point of view.

Things NOT to do: (Disclaimer: I am in no way saying the aforementioned slave did any of the following things. Just pointing out bad ways to handle uncomfortable situations.)

I was going to use made up scenarios, but my mind seems blank all of a sudden.

  1. Manipulation: A serious no-no. Call it what you want. Topping from the bottom is what most call it. And it ranges in style. From the sneaky to the blatantly obvious. But either way you slice it, it’s out of line.
  2. Ultimatums: I just can’t get down with slaves giving ultimatums. Self included, though I have in the past. It’s unfair and puts the person you claim to want to own you in an unwinnable situation. Apparently “unwinnable” isn’t a real word. That’s okay. I’m using it.
  3. Demands: A slave, once collared, shouldn’t make demands of any kind. That’s like my computer demanding that I turn it on every single day even when I don’t use it. It’s silly and I’d laugh at it while it tried to figure out how to turn itself on.
  4. Temper Tantrums: They’re not cute in two year olds and they’re definitely not cute in adult slaves.
  5. Rampant Sarcasm and Other Disrespectful Behavior: Nothing says “I don’t care what you think so fuck you very much, Master.” like sarcasm and disrespect.
  6. Threats: Making threats of any nature only escalates the situation. It puts him on the defensive. A defensive master, in my experience, is hard to bring over to your side. Or even part way over to your side, if you’re only looking for a compromise.
  7. Name Calling: It’s disrespectful and childish.
  8. Slinging Insults: Same.
  9. Leaving, Requesting Release or Breaking Up: I understand the disinterest in being in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Believe me, I do. And if it’s an unsolvable problem, by all means request release. But an unwanted house guest (again, only using it because it spurred this post), a drug/alcohol problem in early stages, petty arguments… these are all resolvable with a little time and effort.

Things TO do: 

  1. Talk!: I can’t stress this enough. If you’re worried that he’ll get angry, do it on your knees. Or some other submissive posture. But do it! Seriously.
  2. Time Apart: I’m not suggesting days spent in another house. I’m definitely not suggesting you go out to the bar and get wasted while you contemplate the many woes of your relationship. These things often cause more harm than good. You should ask for some “me time” in another part of the house or a few minutes to walk around the block to calm down. And respect his decision. Whatever it is. He may have his own reasons for wanting to continue the conversation without allowing you to cool off.
  3. Keep an Even Tone: Something I have to work on. I know in difficult situations emotions are running wild and anger is often at the forefront. But keeping an even tone helps keep the emotion from bleeding over into the discussion which makes problems easier to solve.
  4. Be Respectful: You wouldn’t flip out on him with rampant sarcasm and disrespectful behavior if things were going your way. Don’t do it when they’re not.
  5. Respect His Decision: This is important. It’s what separates the slaves from the subs. It’s something I need to work on. But whereas a sub can say “I don’t care what you say. I’m doing it my way.” a slave cannot and should not. Otherwise what’s the point of him being in control in the first place?
  6. Honorifics: When all else fails, throw a respectful “Master” or “Sir” somewhere in the mix of every comment you make, if you don’t already. It helps you remember where you stand in the grand scheme of things and shows him that you want to resolve this on his terms.

And that’s really what it’s about. Resolving things on his terms. Because, in reality, any other way puts you in control. And if you’re like me, that’s not what you want.

Hope this is helpful. And now I’m off to read it myself so I can work on the things I do in the don’t section.

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